What would you do?
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion Archive: Archive March 2005:
What would you do?
My daughter is in an advanced math class and has been struggling with it all year. She was able to maintain a B with a lot of trouble, then it went to a C last term and now she is failing. I emailed the teacher and got a not very nice response, basically saying my dd has an attitude problem (she doesn't) and is lazy (she isn't - she is maintaining an A+ in every other class). I asked her about a tutor and she again responded w/the lazy/attitude thing. So, I was discouraged and sent that email to my mother who works at a really big college and all I wrote on it was "now what?" with the email from the teacher.
My mother, apparently (unknown to me), isn't so great at email and ended responding with "blah,blah,blah - did you notice how the teacher made this about herself and not about dd" - My mother was in a bit of a mood anyways last week and that email didn't help - so this all would have been fine and dandy, but my mother accidently sent this email to both the teacher and I.
Then the teacher came up with having dd have a paper that the teacher would sign every time she came for extra help. So I emailed the teacher and told her this seemed to be working and I appreciated the extra time she was putting in w/dd - this was BEFORE I found out my mother sent her the email -
I got a very sarcastic email this morning from the teacher asking if in the future she should CC (my mother's name) on future emails.
I just deleted it. I don't think I am even going to respond. But what would you do?
First of all, being a teacher, I can't stand it when people assume I'm making things up. She *could* have an attitude in that class dependent upon what other friends are in there (kids DO act different in school and around peers) and she *could* look lazy because she might not be doing her homework, or choosing not to do it in class.
Numerous reasons could be (and this is obvious to me) that she doesn't understand the material if she is getting all A's in other classes and failing this class. She needs to ask for help from the teacher, and go in for tutoring like she is doing now. Not to give her an excuse, but I would have an attitude if I felt I wasn't being helped and I would look lazy if I didn't even know how to do the problems.
As far as the email...I would just let it slide. Would it be so bad if she remained angry at your mother? It could be far worse...and she knows that you didn't write it...just seemed to be frustrated, that's all.
Always, always, always, try to be supportive of the teacher (unless there is something obviously uncalled for) and just try to help her understand the material...that's what it's really all about.
Have you told the principal about this teachers attitude? I think I would, probably before I would talk to the teacher again. Save all your e-mails and print them and take them to the school, see what the principal has to say about it.
Sorry you are going through this. Regarding the teacher saying that your dd is lazy: I was in honors government in High school and I did horrible at first, I will admit now that I only took the class because my friends were in it. I didn't know it could be so hard, well after getting a D the first half ofthe semester, I starightened up and started paying attention and realized I actually liked it, and It wasn't all that bad. I ended up passing with a B- because the first half brought me down. Anyway, I am not saying that is going on with your dd, but maybe she needs some time to get used to the class, is that a possibility? Good Luck and I hope everything works out with the tutoring! 
Thanks - I became very frustrated with this teacher because she was adamant that I not get dd a tutor. Sometimes, esp. w/math different teachers explain it different ways and it might just be the thing dd needs. She had been going to the teacher for extra help, but if you don't get the basics nothing is going to help and it has been clear to me that dd is not getting the basics. I don't know why she was ever put in this class because she has always struggled with math. The teacher went so far to tell me that if I decided dd needs a tutor, I should make dd pay for it. I don't care if the teacher is mad at my mother, I just don't want her to take it out on dd.
Oh, I haven't even told my mother her error yet. She called me in a panic, thinking she had sent it, but the IT department told her that she didn't - I guess they are not such a great IT dept - I think I am just going to keep it to myself because I know my mother will just make it worse with whatever she tries to do to fix it.
Thank you Mrs.Heidi for your post. It's nice to see a teachers point of view. I just wish this teacher had the common sense to respond in a less accusatory way towards dd, and I can't for the life of me figure out why she is so against a private tutor. I ended up emailing the guidance department for their advice on the math class.
The teacher must think that she CAN do it, but just chooses not to do it. I think that's where she is coming from...although, to TELL you who should pay for the tutoring is quite obnoxious. She must have something personal against your daughter...how sad and immature.
It's your daughter, her grade, but most of all, her confidence in the classroom. I would make sure that whatever tutor you get, communicates with the teacher on what she is helping her with and vice versa. (Have them CC you on any and all emails and correspondence.)
I wish I could help!! I'm a math tutor and I know how frustrating math can be. I'm actually starting an online math website soon.
Make It Simple Tutoring
Oh, and by the way, you can get cheap tutors and GOOD tutors at a nearby college if you have one.
I think it is totally unprofessional for the teacher to say your daughter doesn't need a tutor when you ask for one. I would definitely go the principal about that.
As for your mom, how on earth did she do that? I guess she hit "reply all" instead of reply. And I can understand the teacher is miffed, but that isn't the point. And, by the way, if I got a sarcastic email from a teacher or anyone else dealing with my children, I certainly wouldn't delete it. I'd definitely save it - you never know when you might need it.
I think if it were me I'd go back to the teacher and say, look, my daughter has been doing better with the extra time you are giving her and I think this proves that she needs some extra help. I am again requesting that you recommend a tutor for my daughter.
Math is a very difficult subject - it is, in essence, a foreign language. I know my middle son had a terrible time in an advanced math class in 5th grade, but in 7th grade he absolutely flew with it. Children change, different teachers make a difference. I think this teacher is totally out of line being so adamant against a tutor. I suspect that she is being defensive and blaming it on your daughter instead of thinking - hey, maybe this child needs a teacher other than me.
If after you again ask for help in finding a tutor this teacher continues to resist, then I would indeed go to the principal. I would admit what happened with Mom's email, but that is really not relevant except to the teacher's feelings. I don't know if your mom was right in saying that the teacher's email was all about her instead of your daughter, but the bottom line is that it IS all about your daughter.
If I were her teacher (and I am one) and I *really* didn't think it was her ability I would tell you that I don't think she needs a tutor but if you feel that she does to definitely get one. I would never be adamant to the parent that the student doesn't need a tutor. I would give my opinion on it respectfully, but I don't understand why she/he's being so stubborn about it. It's your $, if you want a tutor it's not really her concern.
I agree with Heidi to always support the teacher as much as possible because kids *do* act differently in the classroom, but there are also a lot of reasons for that. Sometimes it really is a personality conflict between teacher and student (it's sad but true, we're all people no matter what our age and we all don't get along), but the teacher should be overcoming it if is because that's her job. Maybe it's not a cool class to do well in, maybe it's other students in the class, you just never know. It sounds like your dd is a good student.
God I feel bad for you! I really don't like when stuff like this happens. What an "OH POOP" moment!
I hope someday its funny......someday.....
I hope you figure out what's going on soon.
Hi.
I have taught small children in preschool and elementary children in daycare/after school but I have not taught public school.
Having said that, I can tell you, that as a teacher, I have had the very, very, occaisional accidental or on purpose confrontational parent and I always try to communicate the best plan for the child and let the rest go. I think (and I am using a hypothetical here) but I think that if I were the teacher and I got the email, I would just "blow it off" and chalk it up to one of those "most embarrassing moments" that's a good story at the kid's wedding.
HOWEVER if I had a child in my after school class who was struggling with a subject to the point of a significant drop in grades I ALWAYS informed the parent "Andy was really have a problem with homework time today" and encourage the parent to help/work with the child and I can say with certainity that I NEVER suggested a discipline technique (have the child pay for the tutor) I think that crosses a line.
Now I am on the other side of the fence. :-) And as a parent, if my child were struggling with a subject to the point that it affected her attitude and her grades I think I would just withdraw her from the gifted class and tell her something like, "In our family, we do not regard trying something different and finding that it doesn't fit a failure. Rather, we open ourselves up to new challenges and if it doesn't seem to be the right time, or the right opportunity then we go and try something different. Why don't we put you back in the regular math class for a while and see how it goes?" Maybe your daughter will be relieved and with the upswing in her grades she will become more motivated and her attitude will improve. Hope that helps. MM
Not so sure I would switch her class...most teachers go at a different pace and she might be further behind. I would just encourage her to stick with it and get a tutor. I think the teacher is just adimate about not getting a private tutor bc I think she sees that your daughter is not trying hard enough in class. BUT, not getting a tutor is not the solution.
Tutors help gain confidence in the classroom and I think that's all she needs. I can't imagine her having this grade *on purpose*? What does your daughter say? Does she understand the material and the way that she teaches? I think she just needs it taught a different way...her teacher ought to be humble enough to recognize that.
Besides, it's HER grade and HER future, not the teacher's.
Amen Mrs. Heidi.
HER grade HER future, not the teacher's.
I just suggested changing the class because I thought that if the child went back to the "regular" class she could bring the grade up and this might help her confidence and so, her attitude, but I suppose a tutor could accomplish the same ends.
This reply is in regards to your DD (not your teacher)
I was an A student, honor student and in all advanced classes. In highschool, at some point, my math skills evaded me. (long story, and I seriously doubt it would relate to your daughters reasons). I was in Trig class one year sooner than required. We had had 3 tests to date, I had perfect 100% scores. The next thing I know, I was pulled from Trig and sent to remidial math class. We are talking about telling time, reading charts, schedules, adding, subtracting, etc. This was due to a stupid test given in which I skipped #2 and had to erase ALL my answers and reanswer them. Clearly the computer grading couldn't read where I erased (ON ALL OF THEM). So I was tagged as not knowing the foundations of math. It was a mess, my parents sort of fought on my behalf to get me back into Trig. But they didn't fight hard enough and an entire semester passed before I was returned to Trig. I still have no recolection of my Trig class.
The next year (i guess it was the next year, I don't even remember it was so traumatic for me), I was in Alg III. In class I understood everything that was going on. But on tests I would FAIL. I mean, miss everything! I had a wonderful teacher. He made allowances for me to take a test with no time limits. I can't remember everything else he did, but he bent over backwards for me. The end result, I bombed out in Alg III. To this date, I have no idea why I couldn't do the work. I was making high grades in math all my life and now I just couldn't do it. Whether it is related to this test mix up or not, I have a mental block on math. I made A's in all my other classes. but math I just go blank. Perhaps, for whatever reason, your DD is also going blank. It was an awful time in my life and I felt SOOOOOOO STUPID. Never did find the answer, but a tutor would have really made me feel better. Either I would confirm that I couldn't do the work, or I would start to catch on and it was just a mental block that I had made for myself. One on one help would have been wonderful regardless of the results of it.
If your DD would like to email me, feel free. it might help her to talk to someone who was an A student w/ a trouble area when there used to be no trouble.
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