Has anyone had a situation with their dh being unfaithful (to whatever degree) and struggling with trying to keep it together? My husband three years ago April was caught with his best friend's wife. To make it short, they would have had sex if the best friend hadn't caught them. I've never told anyone, it's even hard to type it. I'm suspicious all the time and have really been trying to get the feelings back that I had for him. I'm not sure why I'm writing except that I think I just needed to "say it" to someone. Sometimes I think I'll go crazy.

By Reds9298 on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 06:51 pm:

I can't imagine what you're going through. Trust, IMO, is the most important part of marriage. Have you talked about *why* he was with the other woman?

By Anonymous on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 07:04 pm:

He says he doesn't know why. I know that he just hasn't pushed himself to understand why (or he just isn't telling me the answer yet). Granted, we haven't had any counseling and he is definitely an avoidance type person. Any conflict and he tunes out, so to speak.
I have been reading these boards for about 2 years and have only twice chimed in. It seems kind of odd but I really respect the opinions and views of the Momsview members and I think I really just needed to just say it and acknowledge that it happened. Also, I was out of town this weekend and got back to find a tube of lipstick on the kitchen table (unused). I immediately called him on his cell phone and asked whose it was. He reminded me that his sister was bringing me some over and that was the lipstick. I had forgotten and it makes me feel kind of bad for being accusatory but then again I don't. Know what I mean?

By Reds9298 on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 07:47 pm:

I understand. How can you not feel accusatory when there's been a betrayal of trust?

By Vicki on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 07:59 pm:

I think this is one of those things that you can think you know what you would do, but you never really know until you are in the situation. I think it would be more than I could handle, or be willing to handle. I give people that can get past it tons of credit, because I just don't think I could. It would always be in the back of my mind, and to me, that is no way to live. Trust is everything to me.Good luck to you!!

By Boxzgrl on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 08:21 pm:

(((HUGS))) I don't really feel like getting into the situation but I truly wish the two of you the best. And believe me, listen to the great advice on this site.

By Breann on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 08:27 pm:

(((hugs))) It is so important to let your feelings out. Talk with your DH about it. It will only get worse if you don't work out the feelings.

By Annie2 on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 08:39 pm:

I think you need to talk with your dh and get all feelings out in the open. Otherwise I think it wll manifest into bad feelings in your mind that your dh is not even aware of that you are feeling them. Afterall, he can't hear your thoughts. Hugs, I hope things get better for you.

What happened to the other couple? Are they still together? Do you still socialize with them?

By Pamt on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 08:42 pm:

Having been a teenager when the same thing happened with my parents, I would suggest counseling for both of you. And maybe for the kids if they are older. My parents marriage is now stronger than it ever has been, but it took 2 separations and some intense couples' counseling to get it that way. ((anon))

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 08:44 pm:

I do think you and your dh need counseling, and if he won't go, I urge you to go for yourself. I do think you can get past this if you really want to, but I think you need some help to do it. Certainly going around being suspicious and untrustful all the time is only going to make things worse, both in your mind and in your relationship.

And yes, he was unfaithful. Scripturally, he was unfaithful in his mind. Physically, he was so close, it was definitely infidelity.

I can't really imagine what you are going through. I can say that shortly after my husband and I separated (it was my initiative, not his, and he tried to talk me out of it), another woman moved in. He knew this woman from an organization where they were both members, and I really don't know if they were or weren't before we separated - my guess is probably not. But that she had moved in with him about 3 months after we separated - I was so very, very angry. I was so angry I couldn't think or function. I immediately sought counseling (having had several years of counseling for depression and knowing how helpful it is), and it really helped me get over my anger and figure out why I was so upset.

You know why you are upset, of course. I suggest what you need to sort out is whether you want to put this behind you and, if you do, how to do that. My personal feeling is that we all have our answers within ourselves, but sometimes it takes a trained person - a counselor - to ask the questions we haven't asked ourselves, and to help us open the mental closet doors where we have been hiding all that stuff we don't want to face.

And his avoidance and tuning out conflict isn't fair to you, when the issue affects you so deeply. That's something counseling could maybe help work out - if he goes and if he goes into counseling genuinely intending to try to be honest and work with it.

I know we often turn to our pastors for counseling, and I have done that myself. But for something so intimate, you might want to find a counselor who is a stranger - someone you won't have to interact with in other settings. If you want a religiously oriented counselor, here is an organization I know that is quite good. All of the counselors in it are highly trained, thoroughly monitored, and the underlying premise of this group is that for persons of faith the best counseling is with people who are themselves persons of faith and understand the importance of faith. They are nationwide and may be able to give you a referral. I also know that at least with the local group, they have a sliding scale fee schedule, income-based. It's the American Association of Pastoral Counselors - http://www.aapc.org/

Hugs, and prayers.

By Anonymous on Sunday, March 20, 2005 - 09:29 pm:

Thank you guys for your posts. Really. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Ginny, I just emailed one of the counselors in my area and hopefully will be able to afford going.
I know the things that I would tell my girlfriends if they were in my shoes, it just never quite works that way when you are the person it happens to . I was being a bit dramatic when I said I felt like I would go crazy. It's just lonely sometimes. And by the way, I really hated to go Anon but I've suggested this website to so many people that I was anxious about using my username. Thanks again.