Sorry this is kinda long...got carried away!
How well do you get along with your DH's ex? Just a curiousity.

I married my DH almost 3 years ago & to the union we each brought a child & our ex-spouses (so to speak). The DKs were 21/2 & 31/2 when we started dating 5 yrs. ago.

It's been over 2 years since my x last saw my DD, that's a whole other story, but we don't talk at all. He is not involved in our new life at all.

My DH & his ex have strived to not become like so many others & have kept a friendship established. DH's ex's parents went through a nasty divorce & until recently wouldn't even be in the same room for a b-day party for DS. So, DH & ex said, nope, we've got 16 years to deal with each other, might as well make the best of it.

Just an example - we moved to the town where his ex lives with DH's DS (at my encouraging) so we could be closer to DS, both kids in the same school (same schedules), and closer to my work. We all get along great. DH's ex is remarried & has another child. We get along very well. She is one of my best friends (weird as it may seem). We all laugh about how weird it is.

My DD stays with DH's ex on weekends sometimes when we're out of town. DH's ex is very considerate & sweet about keeping my DD involved in things they are doing. For the last 2 years they take her to the state fair with them when they go. This year we'll have a combined birthday party for the two kids (birthdays are 3 wks apart)with all the families involved.

Are we really that strange of an abnormality or have others reached the same sort of level with ex-spouses?

By Rayanne on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 11:42 am:

I don't have an ex and neither does my DH, but I just wanted to say that what you have is really sweet.

By My2cuties on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 11:46 am:

I have not btdt but my aunt has and it is almost weird how well her and her ex get along. They have 2 children together so I guess that makes a world of difference, (I don't know). But just thought I would share....you are not alone. Her ex will come over to her house and sit and talk abou this problems, they go out together, he lets her borrow his car if she needs it. They are just like really good friends, she gives him advice about his girlfriends. Weird but I wish all relationships could end good if they have to end at all. My mom and dad hate each other and it gets very discouraging sometimes, when they talk about each other, I wish they could just get along like that...***sigh***

By Angellew on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 12:04 pm:

My parents were like that! My mom and dad always got along great after the divorce and, when he remarried, got along with the new wife. When my half-sister came along, she would often spent nights and weekends with me and my mother! My step-mother would even take my grandmother (my mom's mom) to binge with her! It was a very non-stressful situation for me! I grew up seeing everyone getting along, no friction or name calling. It was very good.

As I got older, I realized that alot of the "getting along" on my mother and step-mother's part was for me alone. I learned that they really don't feel that way, but, I'm 40 now! Gee... I can handle it now, and it didn't impact my childhood.

Now, my DH's ex and him, as well as me... that's a whole different story. She HATES me (she's hardly ever met me, let alone spoke to me), she's a name caller, a screamer, and very high-strung. I haven't heard one conversation in the past eight years between her and my husband that hasn't ended in my DH hanging up on her while she is SCREAMING!!! This puts my DSS in an uncomfortable position. Though we have all talked about it, and his mother's attitude, he knows "the whole deal", so to speak!

So... I have seen both sides of the coin and I can say, you're not abnormal, but, you are exceptional. And you should be commended for it! All of your children will benefit from it!

By Pixie on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 12:26 pm:

Hats off to you! I think its very exceptional!

By Kaye on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 12:30 pm:

Well my brother has a similar situation. I know there is some tension at times, I wouldn't call them friends, but i guess there have been times. Like if their daughter has an out of town soccer game, they have split the cost of a hotel suite and the 2 families shared it. My grandmother treats the ex's second daughter like she is one of them family. I will have to say I guess I have an issue with it. Daughter 2 is not my niece, I take my niece for a couple of weeks in the summer and wouldn't even consider taking the other daughter. I guess part of it is, I didn't like the x when they were married, we have never been friends, I am cordial to her because she is my niece's mother and she doesn't have to let me see her. I appreciate that. We just have never had much in common so we will never be friends. Also I have to admit it chaps me a bit that she is so close to my grandmother, she calls her instead of her own mother (because my family is slightly more sane), my grandmother is needy so this works for her, but her dd gets cards and gifts and mine get left out. That is not her fault, and i guess my grandmother has the right to play favorites, but it does rub me wrong and then I keep thinking, geesh they aren't even related!

So no you aren't strange and it is probably what is best. I think the oddest part is if they got along so well how come the marriage didn't work out? And I think it would be odd to me to be around someone who "knew" my hubby in all his ways.

By Kateg on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 01:38 pm:

Thanks everyone!

Yes, Kaye, one would wonder if they get along so well now well then why???...but, they have always said they are better friends than they were ever married. Life was not the way it is now & both of them have changed over the years. "Odd to be around someone who "knew" my hubby" - at times, yes, it is. But maturity plays a large part. I have had my issues at times, I'm not perfect. I didn't know them when they were married, all I know is how we have strived for what we have now the past 5 years. I have a past & I know DH does, too. So, it's a process we've all worked very hard to come to where we are today.

Besides, his ex was one of the first ones to ask him - when are you going to marry her? All his ex has ever wanted was for him to be happy. And he is.

By Ginny~moderator on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 06:14 pm:

I think this is terrific. Sounds to me like there are three or four very adult people involved in this set of relationships, adults who know how to put the welfare of the children first, who know how to let the past be the past and move on. I congratulate all of you.

If it works, don't fix it! And don't worry about it.

By Dawnk777 on Thursday, March 17, 2005 - 06:41 pm:

That sounds really good. We don't have any ex-spouses to worry about.

By Imamommyx4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 12:20 am:

I have a great relationship with dh's ex. I have seen her exactly 3 times in 15 years! I don't like her bc of the way I've seen the boys hurt over her. But they have all grown up ok. BTW, I adopted the 3 boys when they were little and I (and they) consider myself their mom.

By Juli4 on Friday, March 18, 2005 - 07:28 am:

THat is really a great relationship kateg. You all are doing your children a huge favor and certainly minimizing the effects divorce can have on children. Great job and congratulations!!!