I have a 10 month old son who up until the last 2 months was sleeping through the night. Lately he wakes up at 3:00 a.m., I take him into our bed and nurse him to sleep and he sleeps with us until 6-6:30 a.m.

This bringing him into our bed is a bit of laziness (for lack of a better word) on my part, I'm tired and it's cold so it's just the easiest solution. I am also pregnant and trying to wean him, we have stopped two of his feedings during the day, so I don't want to take this one away too quickly.

My problem: DH is complaining that he can't function at work as he is too tired and it's because we are keeping him awake at night. A little background, DH plays hockey twice a week usually somewhere between 8 pm and 10 pm which means he doesn't get to sleep before midnight. He also travels quite a bit and can be gone up to 1 week out of every month (which means I am also tired because I don't get a break).

DH was going to sleep in the spare room. Now he has decided that I should get up at 3 with the baby and go and sleep in the spare room. I have a real problem with this, not only do I have to get up, but I have to go and sleep in a cold bed. I'm so upset and I don't even fully understand my own feelings about this whole thing. I feel like DH is being a bit of a baby. I feel like he thinks his life shouldn't change now that we have a child that he should be able to golf, play hockey, travel and do all the great things he has always done.

I on the other hand have given up my career, my freedom to come and go as I please, my salary, my independence, my body, not to mention that I lost all my hair from the pregnancy and now have to wear a wig probably forever (pre-existing condition, but brought on by the pregnancy).

I feel like DH wants it all, he me wants to sleep with him and I understand why - this will affect our intimacy if I don't, but then when it's no longer convenient for him he wants me to go and sleep in the other room. I feel like a second class citizen just here to service everyone. I tell you being a mom is hard, I feel like I'm always complaining but I have given up so much and yes the rewards are great, but I still feel like crying and I don't even fully understand why.

What did you do when your babies where small, did you have alternate sleeping arrangements? My thought is that I should just sleep in the spare room right from the start, none of this changing beds, that way DH's sleep won't be broken at all and I can sleep in one place. Part of me also feels like why should he have everything.

I also want to say thank you to all the moms out there, I'm really new here and I've asked for a lot of advice, I really appreciate all the support, help and honest opinions. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

I could really use some perspective, I know this isn't forever, and yes this to shall pass, I've been saying that for 10 months now.

By Bea on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 04:14 pm:

We had a bed in the baby's room that I would use for night nursing. DH is a light sleeper, and it was just how we worked it out. You could have an electric blanket keep the spare bed warm for you. I have a feeling that your pregnancy hormones are causing you to feel ill used. It's not easy to have the energy to care for a 10 month old child while carrying another. Rather than get angry, try to tell DH that you need him beside you these nights to give you the comfort and strength his presence provides for you.

By Sunny on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 04:23 pm:

Is your DH willing to compromise? Maybe agree to trade off on sleeping in the spare room - you do it during the week (or whenever he needs to get up for work) and him on the weekends? I think the both of you need to sit down and discuss what works for both of you without the other feeling like they're giving up too much.

All of my kids slept with us for the first two years (Imagine two adults and a 1 yr old in a double bed. Not fun! We bought a king-sized bed soon after that and have never looked back. LOL) I did everything I could to make sure that my Dh got his sleep on nights that he had to get up for work in the morning, but otherwise, it was my bed too and we had agreed on the sleeping arrangements soon after our first was born, so if he was uncomfortable, he slept elsewhere. Our youngest is 2 1/2 and still occasionally comes into our bed in the middle of the night, but I expect that won't last much longer. If he is anything like his brothers, he'll eventually stay in his own bed all night, every night.

By Kate on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 05:16 pm:

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I don't blame you at all for bringing Baby into bed with you and nursing. You ARE tired, it IS cold!! I would do that, too, occasionally, because I was too tired to sit up and nurse, I had to lie down, LOL! But we also had a bassinet in the room for six months and they slept in that just inches from the bed. I would nurse in the middle of the night and they NEVER fell back to sleep so my husband would then take over and walk them around downstairs until they fell back to sleep. So HE got cold while I got to snuggle back into bed. He did this every single night for months and months without complaint, despite having to get up for work each morning. That's how it should be, IMO. I do think your husband is being selfish...I hope he can see that. Good luck to you! I would keep Baby in bed with you when you're exhausted and if hubby doesn't like it then hubby is really the one who should switch beds.

By Happynerdmom on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 06:16 pm:

Hmmm. I guess I have a different opinion than most, although I do agree with Bea that you may be feeling more put out because of hormones. If he was sleeping through the night before, it seems to me that he should be able to get through the night now without needing a feeding. At 10 months, he needs to learn to get back to sleep on his own, IMO. I also don't think your husband is being unreasonable. If he is too tired to function at work, he's too tired to function at work. I guess I always looked at it that I chose to stay home and do this full-time, and my husband still had to function in the "outside world." He was wonderful and helped out a lot when the kids were babies, but I never expected him to sacrifice his sleep when he had to get up and go to work the next morning. JMHO

By Kym on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 10:53 pm:

I have four kids all that I nursed, only my dd, the oldest slept with us and for us it was a mistake we did not make again! I'm confused why you don't nurse him in a rocking chair and put him back to sleep in his crib? I know it's 20 minutes or so, but compared to the other problems, it seems like a logical solution. If your choice is to have the baby sleep w/ you after 3 AM the sacrifice will be yours, not dh, the baby has alternative sleeping available, in my opinion, use it, put him back to sleep in his crib. Husbands have a hard time w/ 100% nursing, they can't do anything for babies, and 10 month olds have a hard time being independent, so just be patient through this time and ask you dh to do the same, it will get better.

Nursing is definately tough and can put a strain on relationships, but trust me your dh can make up in the years and years and years to come, I have never cleaned up puke or diarreah in the middle of the night

By Kym on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 - 10:59 pm:

AHH, I just read your post, your PG again, oh my! You must be tired, I can't believe your still nursing Now I see why you are nursing lying down, so yes I think it would be ok to go to the guest room, if dh needs a congigal visit, tell him to come to you and bring giftsReally really good gifts!

One other note, be happy that your dh has his hockey and freinds, my dh rides bikes and runs and it has been a source of contention for many years as I do not do either. But about 5 years ago I decided I need things for me, now we work together to make sure we both have time to "complete" ourselves, away from eachother and the kids ( we do ALOT as a family/couple as well), I have so many friends whose husbands have no social life or buddies, and their entire family suffers for it. So while it may seem he has all his activities and the good life, what he will bring to the family because of it, as long as he uses balance, will be tremendous. But you need to make sure you have a social/physical outlet as well. Give yourself and your new family the time it needs to straighten itself out, it will come in time

By Marg on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 06:47 am:

I did the same thing as Bea.

We always had an extra bed in the nursery. If any given (we have 3 dds) daughter and I would fall asleep it did not affect anyone in the house.

I also felt bad, because dh was the sole provider (financially). I felt it was best he received a good nights sleep so that he could do his job effectively and efficiently. He was very grateful for this small gesture and often told me I didn't have to sleep in a different room. However, I knew some days I was irritable from lack of sleep. I did not want this to happen to him.

BTW, it was a full size bed in the nursery. Sounds silly, but the nursery was also a guest room at one point. But it really came in handy.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 09:23 am:

Now that you're pregnant again, is it time to wean? I'm not sure how that works, but I just feel for you. You must be so tired...
Our first month, we had Connor in our room. Then, I felt so bad for my DH to have to go to work just exhausted. So, for the next 2 months, I slept in the nursery. He helped TREMENDOUSLY though as HE slept in the nursery on the weekends. (He did Friday and Saturday nights with a bottle.)
You also might want to start banana rice at his nighttime feeding. I would talk to your pediatrician too. My ped said that they should be sleeping through the night by 6 months and they might have some recommendations for you. Does he take a pacifier? A comfort blanket?
{{HUGS}}

By Fraggle on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 09:34 am:

When my DD's were little and nursed at night I would usually get up to feed them and then go back to bed in the guest room. My DH is a light sleeper and since he has to go to work and can not take a nap in the middle of the day, I did not think it was fair to disrupt his sleep.

By Janet on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 10:12 am:

I used to get up and nurse in the baby's room (sometimes falling asleep in the rocking chair while doing so!), then I'd go back to bed. Dh is a sound sleeper, and rarely woke up. I never did nurse in bed with either of my two girls... I could never get the position quite right, and I think I was afraid of smooshing them. I have no advice for you, but lots of sympathy! {{HUGS}}

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - 10:56 pm:

I nursed in bed at night. We have little lights on our headboard and that was enough to see what I was doing. DH is a VERY sound sleeper, so it never bothered him. Once I fell asleep while nursing the baby. One of my coworkers was concerned that I hadn't burped the baby. Well, she fell asleep too. If she had needed to burp, I'm sure she would have let me know! LOL!

By Hlgmom on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 12:02 am:

We co slept up until 13 months and my dh did not love it- however he was the one to move when neccesary. Yes, they have to get up and go to work but so do you!!! Whether you are pregnant or not you deserve some sleep and consideration! Follow your babys lead and he will begin sleeping through the night again. He may be needi ng you a little more right now! Maybe its a plus to give him some extra attention before the new baby comes!!
Your ds may also wean himself at some point during the pregnancy, as sometimes they do not like the change in the taste of the milk. It is not neccesary to wean though!

I hope it gets better! Maybe if you and your dh have a good discussion he will see your point of view! best of luck and congrats on the new little bundle on the way!

By Kaye on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 08:02 am:

You need to sit down and talk with your hubby. Write down how you feel. I agree that he does work outside the home, with no opportunity for a nap, so he needs his rest. However I think there are options. First can he, is he willing to learn how to sleep with you and baby. We co slept, once you accept that is just how it is going to be it is fine. You do have to know that habits you are starting now will be hard to break once the new one gets here, you will be cosleeping with 2! There sounds like a lot of issues. His travel is his work, that isn't selfish, he doesn't get a choice, and it is to support you and the kids. His hockey is his time, this is okay too, but you need your time. It is time for you to get a hobby! Have you looked into getting a sitter for a couple of hours each week, just to give you some space. Ultimately your post says to me "hey i am drowning here and I need some understanding from hubby and some help". The help doesn't have to come from him, but he needs to get why you need help. I started scrapbooking when mine were little. I found a consultant that did sat am crops once a month. So I would go every month from 8=1 usually and leave hubby with the kids. It was a God send for me. The sleep stuff will work out. Personally I would tell him look this is what is best for me and I think sleeping in different beds is just a bad idea. On an occasional night not a biggie, but starting in seperate rooms will just lead to a bigger gap. Good luck.

By Heaventree on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 08:37 am:

I just wanted to make a comment about dh's activities like hockey. I know many of you have said that this is important and that he needs his time and I don't disagree, however, this contributes to his lack of sleep. When he plays hockey at 10 pm he is so wound up he sometimes doesn't get to sleep until 1 or 2 am. This means he's tired, but somehow he makes it out that his being tired is all about us keeping him up.

As for his travel, yes its for work, but it's a wonderful break for him as well. He stays in 5 star hotels takes clients out for lunch and has nice long dinners on his own and has time to go shopping. Not to mention nights of uninterupted sleep and as much channel surfing as he can handle.

I don't like the idea of sleeping in the other room, it's not working for me and I don't think it's good for our relationship. We have talked and so far have not come up with a better solution.

I also understand that he has to go out and earn a living, however, there is not always an opportunity for me to nap during the day either and my job I feel is equally as important. My sleep deprivation effects my relationship with my ds. I am literaly at my wits end trying to keep it all together.

I did get a sitter yesterday so that I could run some errands and have a nap, it did help and I probably will continue to do this.

I guess in all of this my biggsest complaint is that it often feels like I'm the one making all of the sacrfrices. It's also difficult for me to get out and do the thinks I like to do. I can no longer run because I'm pregnant and trying to fit in activity for myself with DH's travel and hockey schedule, not to mention nursing isn't easy. I know now what it feels like to be last on the list. And yes Kaye, I'm drowning.

I know that things will eventually get better and I really appreciate all the opinions given - all of them. It has help me to better understand my own feelings. Thanks everyone for your honesty and your support.

By Mrsheidi on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 09:26 am:

I know how you feel...it's SO hard being a mommy!! I also get jealous of the travel my husband has...it sounds a lot like what your DH has. He tries to convince me that he's working to the bone, but then he comes home with stories of going out to eat and chatting with adults (would't THAT be nice?) until late into the night. Has he had to take care of the baby all on his own for a full day? Can you pump?
Maybe do a girls afternoon/night out with some friends?

By Heaventree on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 10:16 am:

We are working on weaning, he is finally taking a sippy cup with milk twice a day - dr says it's ok and he's not allergic. Weaning takes time, hopefully in a few weeks nursing will not be such an issue, we have dropped two feedings so far, I just don't want to do too much too soon or we really will have sleeping problems.

DH and I talked on the phone this morning about me having more time to myself. Saturdays will be my day, it's up to me know to make the best of it and get out and have some fun so I can fill my cup again.