Has anyone had your child held back? Was it a good or bad expierence. I am more and more determined that my son needs to repeat first grade. I won't have his iep conference until april so we won't fully discuss it until then. But unless a miracle comes forth and he is suddenly able to read and write I don't see how he can go to second. My problem is my dh. He was held back in first when they had no kindergarten back then. He had a horrible expierence. He says the kids were awful and kids are only worse today. He feels that we are saying he is stupid if we agree to this. I am guessing that this is how he was made to feel. His childhood was not that great. But we won't get it in to that. I have to make him see that my son's situation is completely different. He is a very young first grader and has time to spare. I am not happy either that he will miss his friends but I would rather it happen now then later. I of course can't promise that the kids won't be cruel about it. One option is to send him to another school but I am not so sure the other school is as good. How did your dh's react to it. Maybe men just take it harder. I know my dad was a principal and he refused to let my mom hold my sister back and it affected her all her life. Not just with school work but in her relationships. I don't want this for my child.

One more question about this. Did your child repeat with the same teacher? This is what they do at my school. I don't want him to have this same teacher next year. She is not all bad. But I don't think she is the right fit for my son. He is very slow and quiet and she gets easily frustrated with him. He is scared to ask for help and there has to be a reason for that. She also appears to punish him for things that he can't do. Like he has to sit at recess and do it. I have told him that he has to make an effort to at least ask for help.

Thanks for any advice

By Momoffour on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 09:46 am:

Beth my daughter was held back in kindegarten and I think that was the best decision we could of had made. It has done a world of difference. She is sailing along and doing really good. she is also in the excellerated reading program and doing good. We kind of hesitated at the beginning we didn't want to but as we watched her through the year and seen that she was strugling not much work wise just socially she was shy and quiet and now she fits in perfect. As for the same teacher she has a different one. Dh and I thought that repeating with the same teacher she would be boring for her also if there repeating I think a new teacher is best a fresh new start

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 10:23 am:

You are only half way through the year. Why not take matters into your own hands and start working hard with him at home? There are great reading programs out there that can make a huge difference (hooked on phonics, various reading computer games, etc). With extra work he could catch up and stay on track for advancement next year. I think holding a child back can do emotional damage. I guess the big question is how your child would take it. I would just try to get him up to speed so it isn't an issue.
Good luck!

By Vicki on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 10:26 am:

I don't have personal experience with it as my dd has never been held back, but I can tell you that several kids are held back and to the best of my knowledge, at least at our shcool, it really isn't a big deal. My dd knows which kids are held back and she has told me about them, but she doesn't seem to think it is a big deal or "bad" at all. If your child is having problems reading espically, I would hold him back. I can tell you that things really take off in second grade and the kids are expected to be able to read. It isn't "worked" on like it was in first. In first grade (again, at least at our school) it is taught and practiced...in second grade, it is just expected.

By Melanie on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 10:45 am:

Like Vicki, I don't have first hand experience, but holding kids back is very typical where we live. There were 22 kindergarten students with my oldest ds. Five of those were held back. We have a very late cut-off for Kindergarten (December 2) so many parents of kids with birthdays between September and December start their kids in K with the intention of having them do it for two years.

In other words, I don't think there is the stigma attached to repeating a grade as there once was.

Good luck with your decision.

By Conni on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 10:48 am:

My niece was held back in 2nd grade I believe (may have been 1st). Anyway, she aboslutely BLOSSOMED the next yr. Became so much more self confident, the work became easy to her, the teacher had her help with the younger kids in the class that were struggling, etc... So for her it was a *good* experience.

I should have held my oldest ds back in K/1st grade. But for him it was a matter of social issues his grades were fine.

I am considering holding my baby back an extra yr. He will be 5 in April and could go to Kindergarten in the Fall. But, I may put him in a *bridge* class next yr and then send him on to Kindergarten at age 6. My dh thinks its a good idea for SPORTS reasons (rolling my eyes). I just thought it might insure that he is socially mature enough and academically ready. However, I am now struggling with this decision as hia preschool teacher and bible class teachers all say he is one of the most mature boys they have in class. It's hard to know what to do now.

Good luck with your decision. IMO you can NOT harm him by holding him back at this age. It did not bother my neice at all that she was held back. Does he not get extra help at school for reading? Do they have a pull out for weak readers?

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 11:13 am:

Is there another first grade class he can be moved to? Sounds to me like it is a bad teacher/student fit.

Having said that, I wish I had held back my youngest son, although he was very, very bright and was reading well long before he started kindergarten - but he was socially immature. Boys often mature more slowly than girls, in social and educational matters, and it is difficult for schools and teachers to adjust to this (though you'd think by now they'd know).

Have you talked to the teacher about how your son reacts to her style? Is it possible she doesn't realize he is frightened of her and afraid to ask for help?

By Annie2 on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 12:09 pm:

We held our dd back in the first grade. Our school starts a few weeks after her birthday in August, so we considered not even starting her until the following year for K. However, physically and socially she was okay. She did okay in K but we did ntice that she was a little slower than the other kids as far as catching on to new ideas and concepts. We thought about holding her back in K but with the teacher's help we decided she would be bored in K the following year.
We watched her closely in First. She was getting passing grades but not without a struggle and extra help. By spring break with the help of her teacher we knew we were going to retain her. We didn't want her to struggle for grades. If we didn't hold her back now then the struggles would only get harded and if we dhad to hold her back in future grades it would be more harmful socially.
She had the same teacher at our request. My other kids had this teacher and it wasn't her teaching style or personality that was hindering our dd just her age. She blossomed. She is now in the third grade, is getting A's, doesn't struggle and loves to learn.
It's the best thing we could have done for her.
At first my dh was reluctant about the social stigma but once her realized she was having a hard time just staying even with the other kids, never mind trying to do better, he came to terms with it. We started having her have some friends over that she that would be in her new grade. At first she was unsure about the whole thing but once we explained to her why, how it would be better, she actaully seemed RELIEVED. She was having a tough time.
I say go with your gut instincts. It is early in the year but I would keep it in your fore thought, try to work extra with him, talk to the teacher, etc.
Good luck! Let us know what you decide.

By Cat on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 12:15 pm:

Beth, Robin didn't start reading until half way through first grade. By the end of the year he was identified for the Talented and Gifted program. Reading, especially, imho is something that just "clicks" for some kids. Granted, if there's any suspicion of a LD it probably won't, but for Robin and so many other kids I've know that's the way it was. Now having said that, Robin was a very young kindergartener. He didn't turn 5 until October. Looking back I wish we'd waited a year to start him. Academically he was more than ready. Socially he'll never catch up, but that extra year sure would have helped. Of course, Robin has other issues, too. I'd see how the rest of the year goes. I also agree with doing some extra work with him. It couldn't hurt, and may make all the difference. Good luck.

By Beth on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 03:16 pm:

Thank you all for all of the responses. He is in a special reading class. Which I talked to the teacher for that today and she said she had noticed he is getting further behind the other kids now that they are actually putting it all together and not just working on sounds. He was keeping up first semester. She stated he may be moved to another group. I am also going to have him tested with a special hearing test to make sure he is actually hearing the sounds. I am also going to make an appointment with his doctor and make sure there is nothing going on with his head. He had water on his brain when he was a baby and was medically cleared at 4. But dh and I want them to check him again and make sure there is nothing wrong again. The teacher and I both noticed very poor memory skills.

As far as helping him more. I work second and dh is stuck with all of the extra load. He really does try his best. Sometimes he will have 3 and 4 pages of homework that he didn't get done in class. So it doesn't leave a lot of extra time to do much more. Dh really only has about 3.5 hours when he gets home and that has to include supper, getting both kids baths ect... I think that is why dh is taking it so personally to with me suggesting he might need to stay back. We do have a tutor to that comes to the house twice a week. I do my best on weekends to help out. For now we have agreed to table the discussion until the IEP. I think Dh just needs time to think about it.

Meanwhile I have to think of a way to deal with this teacher for the rest of the year. Dh is ready to just go in there and blast her out. He was determined to go there after school today but I talked him into waiting for me and a better time. Its not that she is a bad teacher. she has fun things to do. But she has been taking fun things away from ds when he doesn't do his work. I don't think he can do it on his own. Thats when she needs to pull up a chair and do what she is getting paid to do. If she doesn't have time then she needs to fight to get his one on one aid back that he had last year. I just think she is one of these teachers that doesn't work very well with kids with problems. I admit working with my ds can be very frustrating. But its her job!

Again thanks for all the advice and support. I will keep you updated on what we decide.

By Beth on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 03:26 pm:

Thank you all for all of the responses. He is in a special reading class. Which I talked to the teacher for that today and she said she had noticed he is getting further behind the other kids now that they are actually putting it all together and not just working on sounds. He was keeping up first semester. She stated he may be moved to another group. I am also going to have him tested with a special hearing test to make sure he is actually hearing the sounds. I am also going to make an appointment with his doctor and make sure there is nothing going on with his head. He had water on his brain when he was a baby and was medically cleared at 4. But dh and I want them to check him again and make sure there is nothing wrong again. The teacher and I both noticed very poor memory skills.

As far as helping him more. I work second and dh is stuck with all of the extra load. He really does try his best. Sometimes he will have 3 and 4 pages of homework that he didn't get done in class. So it doesn't leave a lot of extra time to do much more. Dh really only has about 3.5 hours when he gets home and that has to include supper, getting both kids baths ect... I think that is why dh is taking it so personally to with me suggesting he might need to stay back. We do have a tutor to that comes to the house twice a week. I do my best on weekends to help out. For now we have agreed to table the discussion until the IEP. I think Dh just needs time to think about it.

Meanwhile I have to think of a way to deal with this teacher for the rest of the year. Dh is ready to just go in there and blast her out. He was determined to go there after school today but I talked him into waiting for me and a better time. Its not that she is a bad teacher. she has fun things to do. But she has been taking fun things away from ds when he doesn't do his work. I don't think he can do it on his own. Thats when she needs to pull up a chair and do what she is getting paid to do. If she doesn't have time then she needs to fight to get his one on one aid back that he had last year. I just think she is one of these teachers that doesn't work very well with kids with problems. I admit working with my ds can be very frustrating. But its her job!

Again thanks for all the advice and support. I will keep you updated on what we decide.

By Kaye on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 03:49 pm:

Beth I am in a similar situation. My first grader isn't doing as well as I had hoped. He has some issues, but no diagnosis. What I keep waiting for is for him to fall a little further behind. He is keeping up for now, but just barely. We too have discussed the idea of holding him back, no decisions have been made, but we have decided on where we want him to be. I think he woudl really be unhappy socially to leave his friends though. As for teachers, honestly I love my son's teacher, but I think it is better for them to have a different one, it isn't so much like repeating a grade. A different teacher will have different techniques, different crafts, etc.

As for working at home, we do that, every day we read those little phonics books, do spelling homework, 3 times a week we work on flashcards. I am really doing all I can. It isn't a matter of not getting the help he needs as it is he just isn't quite there developmentally. Kids all mature differently and it is hard when they do it considerably later than other kids.

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 03:52 pm:

If there is an issue with the teacher I think you need to have a conference immediately. April is way too close to the end of the year to make a difference! It does not help your child to wait. I went through this with my child in first grade and the only thing that helped was taking an active roll in her education. At that time it was getting with the teacher and trying to work as a team to help my child. It is sad to say but you can no longer expect your child's teacher to teach your child. They simply do not have the time to help a child that is falling behind. There are many programs that do not require you to spend many hours a night on. Even 1/2 hour of having your son read out loud to his dad each night can help make the connection. Have your husband read out loud with your child (both read at the same time). Reading together can sometimes help the child connect to the words and it removes the stumbling over the word process. Print up the dolch word list. If your child can master those words he will be able to read 100% better. If you want some websites that helped us I can list them for you. My daughter really struggled with reading and I learned a lot in helping her. The most important (and distressing) thing I learned is that teachers can not be given 100% the responsibility of teaching your child. A great deal of it is done by the parent (thus the increased homework load being sent home). That is the sad reality of todays school system.

By Yjja123 on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 04:01 pm:

Dolch word lists:
http://www.janbrett.com/games/jan_brett_dolch_word_list_main.htm

The dolch list really made a difference for my daughter. If they can learn those words they can read most books. It is a list of most used words (in books) for that age group. I made flash cards and we played games with the words. I had her write the words. You could just do 1 word per night. Write it and learn it--it improves both writing and reading skills at the same time.
I wish you the best of luck!

By Rayanne on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 04:11 pm:

My friend had to hold her daughter back in 1st. grade, and it has helped sooo much. She is right where she needs to be now, and is constantly getting A's.

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - 05:57 pm:

You definitely have to rule out any physical problems first. Keep working with him at home, but put that as a first priority.
I would also work with him as much as you can. Being a former teacher, we are always swamped with so many kids...not that it's an excuse, but I've learned that if the parents don't supplement there's only so much of me compared to so many of them. You can ask the teacher for supplemental things to work on.

Just make sure when you go into the IEP, you have prepared written questions and you tell them what you want done. They need to have it in writing of course, since the teacher can be fired for not following an IEP. Tell them what you're going to do at home to help too. Send in supplemental work that he did at home as proof that you are working on the problem too. (Do this daily) The teacher will be more willing to help your son more when they see that they are part of a team, and it serves as a gentle reminder that this is very important to you.
It seems like the teacher is not understanding his problem...does she think he can do it, but just won't? That's the only reason why I can think of holding him out of doing fun stuff. Or, what sometimes happens, if he doesn't understand something, he'll "make up" something to do (wouldn't you?) that looks off task and then get into trouble. That's not his fault, and the teacher should recognize that that's why he could be off task.

And, as far as holding him back...think of it this way... kids are going to tease him anyway if he's in the next grade and he can't read...and he'll have reason to believe them. Kids are going to tease about something/anything, but I'd rather him not have any reason to believe what they say. They won't have any reason if he's succeeding and has a lot of self confidence. IMHO

By Beth on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 12:48 pm:

Yvonne, thanks for the list. Dh was just saying the other day that he thought he should work with him on words other then the weekly ones he has. So I will print this out for him.

Heidi, thank you for your input as a former teacher. I emailed his teacher and his reading teacher yesterday. I got two different responses. His teacher feels he can do the work and is just not doing it. That he likes the one on one help. His reading teacher thinks that he is trying but just not getting it yet and needs significant help to complete the assignments. My feeling is the reading teacher probably does not spend as much one on one time with him in a class full of 24 kids. Not really her fault just the way it is. I think that he really is kind of a mystery to all of them. Because some days he can be so right on target but others your like what is he doing?

Well we have a doctor's appointment with his doctor on Monday and I asked all of his teachers to write something small if possible of things that they see with him. So at least I go in with something and not just look like a nervous mother.

Just an update with the teacher. She actually came outside yesterday when I picked him up to tell me that he had done a great job that afternoon. She said the whole class cheered for him which made ds happy. I didn't say anything because I believe she is trying but I thought why does the whole class have to know when he is good or bad? But again she is trying so I can let that go. I think we can work with her and things will get better on that end. I am just so glad I talked dh out of going to the school yesterday!

By Paulas on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 06:56 pm:

I have to go make supper right now but I just wanted you to know that I have read your post and will respond later. I currently teach kindergarten but have taught grade one for 7 years.

Just one thing for now. I understand your husband's concerns. However, when children are 5 or 6 they are much more resilient. Kindergarten and First Grade are two of the best grades to do this. Ask your husband if he would rather have a sad first grader (and I can assure you that goes away quickly) or a Sixth Grader down the road who can't keep up and begins to act out?

Anyway, I have to go but I will comment more later.

By Annie2 on Thursday, January 13, 2005 - 07:18 pm:

I didn't have time to check my typing errors. Yikes.

By Mrsheidi on Tuesday, January 18, 2005 - 05:48 pm:

Beth, how did it go on Monday with his doctor?

By Mrsheidi on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 05:54 pm:

BUMP?

By Beth on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 - 06:06 pm:

I am at work right now but I will reply tommorrow! Thanks for asking!

By Beth on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 09:24 am:

The doctor did not think there was anything wrong with his head as far as the hydrocephulus. He said his head is continuing to grow at the same rate. He gave us some sheets to fill out at home and at school he wants to see exactly what is going on with his attention. I was suprised that he said it was okay if his attention is different with things he likes to do such as video games. He asked me questions that made me think of things that I would not have thought of. Like sometimes I have to tell him a couple of times what to do in the morning. If I give him to many instructions at once. I always just thought of that as Chase. Anyway my dh is faxing them back to him today. So I will call him probably today or tommorrow. I already know though if it comes back and he wants to put him on medication I am going to get a second opinion. My friend gave me the name of a school psychologist that deals with this. Hopefully insurance covers it. Anyway I think if he has ADD its very borderline. I think its hard to tell because he is immature and my ds is slow at everything he does and I am not so sure that is not just his personality. Thanks again for asking I will let you know how it goes.