I am getting worried about my ten year old DD. She recently asked me how to lose weight and said she wanted to do so to become a 'better athlete'. My DD is not a 'stick' by any means, but is not even 'pudgy' either. She is quite normal and I have charted her BMI and everything. Her doctor is not at all concerned about her weight and never has been. Her tummy does still stick out a bit and her legs are solid and sturdy, not bird-like like some kids this age have. So I know the tummy and heavier legs are bothering her. I told her she was fine the way she was, but that her diet could certainly use improvement as her nutrition is far from great. I suggested that she exchange her customary snack cupcake for pretzels or fruit, which she did. She began a love affair with veggie burgers and takes those instead of peanut butter sandwiches (I told her the sandwiches were fine, but she truly likes the veggie burgers). She attempts more fruit and truly has cut down on sweets and cakes/brownies/cookies. She has always been a water drinker, NEVER drinks juice or soda, and only one glass of skim milk a day.

I was actually pleased with this interest in healthier foods and quizzed her at first to see if anyone had mentioned her weight or if she was worried about that, and she stuck to her story of wanting to improve her athletic ability. But after a few weeks of her improved diet, she began wanting to weigh herself and getting frustrated if she didn't lose any weight! She's lost about two pounds, which at first she was excited about but is now upset she hasn't lost more. She doesn't NEED to lose more and I don't think she's going to because she's at a good weight and eating well. BUT, if she really wants to lose, I'm afraid she's going to make it happen by starving herself or throwing up. I don't think she knows about bulimia, but I could be wrong.

She's been asking me if she looks thinner, if we can weigh her again, if EVERYONE'S legs spread out that much when they sit down, etc. Tonight she told her father to go easy on the margarine he was putting on her potatoes because "that stuff is fattening!"

She is in a very small class and while one girl is truly overweight, the rest are either normal or stick-like. She really likes and admires the girl who is a stick. That doesn't help. As far as I know no one has mentioned her weight to her in any positive or negative manner at all. Her neighborhood friends are also stick-like. Her church club friends are ALL sizes. The other day she told me she is now going to ride her bike in the hardest gear at all times to help improve her exercise and weight.

I know there is a ton of info out there on this subject, but it's a lot to wade through and I was wondering if anyone had been through this already and had any advice or could point me in a particular, helpful direction.

By Luvn29 on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 09:58 am:

Wow, I'm not really sure what to say at this point, having a daughter almost that age myself. I just wanted you to know that someone saw your message and does think it is serious enough to take seriously. I'm sure you understand that with it being the weekend, and a holiday at that, you may not get too many responses at first, maybe not until Monday or Tuesday, but don't get frustrated.

I just wanted to really say what a terrific parent you are to have picked up on these things as quickly as you have because most parents wouldn't have and if they did, they would chalk them up as nothing. I think you are correct in recognizing them as red flags. The healthier eating aspect of it is great, but the part where she is worried about losing weight and is so serious about it is what is concerning me. If you let this go at this age, it is very possible it could turn into something much more serious not too far down the road. So you are definitely doing the right thing by acknowledging it now.

I really don't know what to do about that part, but I am positive someone here will have some wonderful advice. I am also sure your pediatrician will have some advice for you.

Good luck and you and your daughter are in my thoughts.

By Tripletmom on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 12:08 pm:

Ditto Adena-The alarm bells are going off in you're head and so they should.I have no experience myself but I know it should be taken seriously.I think she needs to see a peditrician and get it figured out before it gets out of control.Girls do start young today regarding appearance.Some always want to be someone else besides themselves.Maybe concentrate on the things she likes about herself and boost her self-esteen until she does see someone professinally.I'm sooo sorry you're dealing with this.(((HUGS)))) My DD is 7 and I hope we never go in that direction((((HUGS))))

By Mrsheidi on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 04:03 pm:

I would just encourage the healthy eating and put away the scale for now. Ask her how she "feels" and if she has good energy, etc. It should be more about how she feels than about pounds.
However, and I hate to say this, but most women who weigh themselves every day do not have weight problems. But, it should be at a MUCH older age.
Read the book "Fit for Life" because if it TRULY is about being athletic and feeling good about herself, this book can help. It provides other goals that aren't related to pounds, etc.
HTH

By Sandysmom on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 05:15 pm:

No advice, just (((((((hugs)))))))). I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Please keep us updated & let us know if she goes to the Dr., what they say. It's so important for children to have a positive body image. Just a suggestion, you may want to ask the teacher if maybe she is picking it up from another kid in her class. Maybe even that "stick" girl. Or come up with questions like, "so, what did so & so (stick girl) have for snack today? She may be influencing her in some way. Does she like sports? Get her some posters of women in sports like Mia Hamm who has very healthy legs. (DD has some on her wall) I'm just worried this may turn into an obsession. (((hugs)))

By Cocoabutter on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 06:50 pm:

I have no experience in this, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that if she really wanted to be a better athlete, then she needs to exercise more and increase her endurance and physical strength. Diet alone does not a better athlete make.

Is she involved in any sports? Does she have PE at school? Have her talk to her PE teacher or a coach. Better yet, get her to a licensed clinical social worker or other counselor who specializes in this type of behavior. Nip it in the bud- don't let it fester until she's in her teens and it's too late.

By Tarable on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 07:34 pm:

I have a little experience with this. About 2 years ago my oldest daughter started on the whole nothing with any fat or anything like that is good for you and this was a HUGE problem since her dr has been after me for 5 years to get her to gain weight. Come to find out they learned in health class about fats and carbs being "bad" which they are not in the right proportion. My daughter is a STICK and always has been. You might want to find out if it is coming from something like this or if it is because she feels she is not the perfect size. If it is the size thing the only thing you can do is try to show her how she is not fat and should not lose weight. This is a very hard thing. My daughter actually lost some weight from her issue with fat and carbs but when I took her to the to the dr. her dr chewed her out and explained good nutrition to her and how fat and carbs are required for a healthy diet just in the correct proportions. I hope this helps. Good luck.

By Tarable on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 07:45 pm:

I wanted to add another thing. My daughter just got out of 5th grade and she told me the other day that one of her friends is taking Diet Pills.. I was in shock. So please take this seriously

By Sandysmom on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 08:10 pm:

After reading Tara's post, I do seem to remember a time when my daughter was learning good nutrition in school. I remember that the teacher told them they shouldn't use mayonaisse along with other things they shouldn't eat. I was very irritated with this because as far as mayo goes, my DD likes that on a sandwich, but only a VERY thin layer; not enough to even worry about. I thought that it was ok for them to teach DD about good nutrition, but not to push their convictions about certain foods on the kids.

By Emily7 on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 08:20 pm:

I would be very concerned, bulimia & anorexia start somewhere! I don't remember being concerned at that age about those kinds of things. There is so much peer pressure these days & such an emphasis on size, it really is sad. I think that you stressing good eating habits is great & more parents need to do that. I just think that if she is concerned about the size of her legs it goes way beyond eating habits.
I can't believe that a 5th grader would be on diet pills Tara, have you talked to her mom about it?

By Tarable on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 10:21 pm:

I emailed her teacher. I do not know the little girl's parents or I would have contacted them myself. I have never seen this little girls mother, but her father is very active and takes her to everything. I was told that my concerns were not the frist that were relayed and that the school counselor was contacting the parents. I hope that goes well and that the parents are not the one giving those horrible pills to her because she is the tinyest girl i have ever seen and my daughter is a stick.
I really wanted to just let you know what I went though with the "nutrition" classes they had a few years ago because they were geared toward overweight children and not ones that are in great shape or need to gain weight.
I would just hate for anyone to take something like this too lightly because of how young she is since things like that seem to happen so much earlier now than they used to.

By Anonymous on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 10:39 pm:

Thanks everyone. Tonight was actually worse. The topic came up (by her) and I rehashed some things and she said she wasn't worried about her weight and thought she looked just fine, but then after eating her bedtime snack she hopped on the scale and burst into tears crying "why won't that number go DOWN?" I tried to explain to her that the number isn't supposed to go down, it is supposed to go up as she grows up. She said 'Stick Girl' is often complaining about how thin she is and says her ribs show. I think she definitely wants Stick Girl's problem. She is also in competition with me and her younger sister. We are both naturally thin. DD has always been off the charts for her height and is destined to be very tall, and being very tall she's going to have more weight on her than an average height girl. Of course none of this means a thing to her because rational thought is not part of an eating disorder.

She already has a check up scheduled for mid-June and I will be calling next week to let them know what's going on and see if we need to extend the appointment or move it up, or just give them a heads up. I plotted her BMI tonight, with accurate height/weight measurements (I had her weight because of the fiasco earlier, and I had her height because we checked to see if she was tall enough for all rides at the amusement park). She is smack in the middle of 'healthy, normal weight'. In fact, she could gain another 18 pounds and still be 'healthy, normal weight'. But again, that doesn't mean anything to someone struggling with this and not thinking clearly or seeing things clearly.

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 11:30 pm:

Good luck! I agree with you calling the doctor. This needs to be nipped in the bud, now! If stick girl can see her ribs, she's almost too skinny and not really someone to be emulating!

{{{HUGS}}} to you and your daughter.

By Kaye on Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 01:54 am:

My daughter who is now age 12 struggled with the beginnnings of an eating disorder around age 9 and 10. For her it started with a "fat boy" in her class that was often made fun of. She struggle with self esteem issues and feared being made fun of. We had several deaths in the family and it just tossed her off the deep end. We actually had to start watching her eat to ensure that she was eating enough calories, etc. Basically what we did was this, first and foremost, put her in counseling. Mostly she hung out with the counselor played games and talked about school, it was great for her. Second we had a lot of nutriental information. WE gave her facts on that not eating doesn't make you skinny, it makes you dead, it also can mess up your natural metabolism and eventually make you fat. We watched a lot of shows, we saw lots of pictures of people and we talked about eating healthy. We researched what healthy eating was, what that meant for each of us. Both her dad and I are overweight. I talked about why we were that way. Her dad is more genetically that way, but I LOVE food. So I spend a long time mentioning food choices. I also joined weight watchers about 8 months ago. That made a big difference in her view on foods. Ultimately she needed to address her fears on why she was worried about size (her lack of friends and then becoming parents) and we had to find ways to show her how that just wasn't the accurate picture.

The upside is we battled this for about a year, maybe almost 2. But she is very healthy about food these days. I also know that we will probably visit this again one day, but hopefully not. We constantly keep up with the positive food talk. Not oh don't eat that you will get fat, but "how many snacks have you had? Are you eating a variety? which food groups have you had today?" That talk isn't directed at her, but how we address the boys in our house. With her I try to point out when she is eating great stuff. "like great choice having fruit and cottage cheese for a snack, healthy and yummy"

good luck and stay vigilant. It is easier to maybe fix her now, than it will ever be.

By Tarable on Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 07:19 pm:

Now that you have said that she is really tall I have another comment from my own personal experience. I am rather tall, 5'11" to be exact and was the tallest in my class for a very long time and I have always had friends that are much shorter than me. Which means that I always weighed more than them. This was a HUGE issue for me through out middle and high school. I had the biggenst weight complex ever and would thought I was fat because I weighted more than everyone else when it was that I was 6 inches taller than them so I was supposed to weigh more than them. This is somethng you really need to watch. I had a real problem in high school. I really tried everything to weigh the same as those girls that were 5'3 or so and i was 5'11. I ended up in excellent shape because I ran all the time and worked out but I was not always good about eating. When I graduated high school I weighed 120 lbs and that is about 30 lbs under what the dr wanted me to be at. Don't let her do this to herself.

I didn't realize that differnt height people are supposed to weigh different amounts until I was in college and people started telling me I should eat more because I was starting to really look anorexic, and to tell the truth I probably was but I started to realize if I could fit in my roommates clothes (she is 5'1) there is definately a problem. I started eating more and felt better.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to find her some tall role models that are not stick women.. even if it is someone like Brooke Shields. She is pretty tall. But if you look into women athletes like volleyball and basketball you will find many more. And even some you can find profiles on that tell how much they weigh.

I wish you the best of luck because I remember what it was like to be there.

Another thing that might help is if her Stick friend is shorter than her find out her height and tell your daughter how much she weighed when she was that tall. That was something that really helped me.

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 07:39 pm:

Seems to me you've gotten a lot of good advice above. I hope you and your daughter can work this out. Also, for comparison purposes, your daughter out to check out her Body Mass Index. Here is a simple calculator, one for adults and one for teens/children: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/index.htm

By Ginny~moderator on Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 07:46 pm:

Oops, I see you have already calculated her BMI. Sorry.

By Dana on Monday, May 29, 2006 - 04:20 pm:

I'm not sure I have much else to offer that hasn't already been stated. One other thing, she is at that age of becoming a woman. Perhaps her body shape is starting to take on a more womanly shape than her classmates? And there are so many "thick" girls who turn out to be absolute knockouts after that awkard change. So maybe her just knowing the body changes over the next few years will help.

I would definitely look for athletic roll models, esp if you can find some local girls for her to meet.

Take her at her word about wanting to be athletic and do some research online w/ her about nutrition and how much is needed for a body that works a lot. Talk about how muscle weighs more than fat. I would also find info about girls who worked out w/out eating properly and how it hurt their body.

And I would certainly talk to your dr ASAP for their suggestions.

Good luck.

By Kiki on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 08:15 pm:

I would talk to the ped about this because this is when eating disorders start. Society puts so much pressure on woman these days to look a certain way and it's so frustrating as a parent to see that it has trickled down to our grade school daughters.

You are doing a wonderful job as a parent. Keep an eye on her. I had a friend with anorexia while in high school and it tooks years of therapy for her to finally get comfortable with herself.

By Musicmom on Friday, June 2, 2006 - 03:43 pm:

There are so great books out there that can help you help her. I used to work at an inpatient eating disorder clinic. These are some of the books they had the women/girls read and families.
1. Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch (good for everyone)
2. The Secret Language of Eating Disorders by Peggy Claude-Pierre
3. The Body Image Workbook by Thomas Cash
4. 101 Ways to Help your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Richardson and Elane Rehr.

When we start attacking our body image there is always something else going on in our lives, and we don't always know it. We are having a hard time dealing with it so we take it out on our bodies trying to gain "control" of things. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open to her. She may not know why she is focusing to much on this right now and you and a professional if needed and help her to that.

Here are a few links that may help too.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=294
http://centerforchange.com/
http://www.something-fishy.org/
http://www.gurze.com/

Be aware that your attitude about your body and little comments you make about you affects your daughter's attitude about her body. Email me if you want me to send you some more info. I have a 5 page or so hand out that I have used when I talk to teen girls and their mom's about eating disorders. In my house fat is a four letter word and we focus on being healthy instead.

She is blessed to have you so aware of her comments right now and are actively doing something to help her.

By Lauram on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 11:48 am:

I went to school at an all girls' (very well-known) boarding school and it was a HUGE problem with many of my classmates. Not for me! LOL! Haagen-Daz all the way! It was very baffling to me and also extremely "contagious." I remember at one point being really annoyed with the whole thing and I put a sign on my bedroom door that said something to the effect of no talking about how fat you are in this room. I knew girls who were hospitalized over it as well. It's a very sad problem. Some of these girls were really sickly thin. I remember reading a long time ago about a possible connection to OCD and how antidepressants might help. Don't know more than that- but something to consider if it continues to get bad. Personally, I would consider having her talk to a therapist at this point to get a better read on the severity of the issue.

By Kim on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 09:10 pm:

I had anorexia in high school and a very extreme distorted body image. What struck me is "do everyone's legs spread out like that....." I remember comparing myself to a girl in my gym class that was quite large and I put myself in the same classification as her. I *saw* my body that way, truly. If I showed you the picture of our swim class in the yearbook you would be lost for words. There was no comparison. At that point I was quite thin and she was quite large. But I truly beilived that I was almost her size. I don't know when my body distortion started. My eating disorder started between 8th grade and Freshman year. Sometimes I wonder if it was part psychological and part hormonal. I also had social anxiety disorder and panic attacks, but did not know then what they were. When I started taking meds for my PMS, an antidepressant, a lot of the symptoms stopped.

Ten is way too young for her to be worrying about all of this. Being healthy is great. But it sounds like she is leaning towards an extreme. It may not be something you can just talk her out of wither. It may be a compulsive problem like Laura suggested. I would definitely start with the peds doctor and make sure you talk to him about it alone. If she is there it may make her more self-conscious. Hopefully her docotr can recommend some good places to start to diagnose what the problem is and how to solve it. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. Please keep us updated as this information may help someone we know!

By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 09:55 pm:

It's funny this post should come back up today because today was her check up. I had written a letter explaining my concerns which he read while she was out of the room having vision and hearing tests. He tried to stress to her the importance of three meals a day and snacks. He told her she was as tall as a thirteen year old, so if she wanted to compare herself to kids, she had to compare herself to average thirteen year olds and not her shorter classmates because otherwise she wasn't comparing apples to apples. He was trying to make her understand that her extra height meant her weight would be higher than that of her shorter classmates. He explained her BMI and told her how she could gain lots more weight right now and she'd still be perfect and healthy, but if she lost weight she'd not be healthy anymore. He wants to see her in six months again unless it worsens before then.

When we left she said she was starving. She had a shot so I had promised a milkshake as a reward and after she finished that she said she was full and didn't want lunch. I told her dinner was far off and she should eat. Besides, an hour had passed since the milkshake. She ate a yogurt and veggie burger and complained of being stuffed. Then a few hours later she said she felt sick and her stomach hurt and she didn't want to ever eat again. Then she said she knows one is supposed to follow doctor's orders, but she doesn't want to gain weight. I told her the doctor wasn't telling her to go home and gain weight, but that he had been explaining that she COULD gain weight with no problem, and that as she grew older and taller that her weight would go up, too. Then she refused dinner, saying she was too full and would never eat again. Then she came around and decided to have some mashed potatoes and corn on the cob after complaining we had no more Stouffers frozen fried chicken!! It's possible she felt sick today as she was very anxious about the impending shot. It's also possible the milkshake upset her nervous stomach, or that she had a touch of a bug. It's also possible she misunderstood the doctor about gaining weight. But, of course, it's also possible her comments were all more red flags.

Thank you for your advice and concern. I really appreciate it.

By Kim on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 - 11:29 pm:

I am sorry if I confused you any. I am really thinking of you and your dd and hoping, again, that it all gets worked out. Please keep us posted.

By Bobbie~moderatr on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 01:20 am:

Yes please keep us posted.. I have heard of the same connection with OCD by the way. OCD can set in at any age.. Watch to see if you can pick up on any other obsessive issues with her.. 10 is awful young for this but I have seen it in my girls school also so it is out there for sure. too much pressure from the media..

By Tripletmom on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 09:20 am:

It must be frustrating wondering if its a red flag or just normal behaviour.If you start to feel things are not right, can you maybe get you're MD to set something up where you're DD can see kids in her situation.I think if she saw kids whos eating disorders got out of hand it might change her outlook.Eating is something you're DD has total control over.Shes either enjoying the control and the fuss around her or she sees something in the mirror you don't see(((HUGS)))

By Lauram on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 12:25 pm:

Can you give the dr a call and explain how she reacted to his comments?

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 02:11 pm:

Sorry you are going through this, it can be very frustrating, I know I had a mild eating disorder as a teenager.

I didn't want to gain weight for all the obvious reasons, however there was another component to this for me. IT DROVE MY PARENTS NUTS!

It was all about control for me. I felt I had very little control over my own life. I could however control what went into my body and no one could make me eat.

I would go for weeks without eating and my mother worried, and fretted and went to courses on eating disorders and tried to coaxed me to eat. I got plenty of attention another reason for doing it.

I'm not trying to make light of your daughter's situation, I think it's a serious issue and should be watched very closely. I think perhaps a little research and reading on your part might help you understand her a bit better. I would try not to make a big deal of it when she is around. I'm not saying don't worry, I think you should be concerned but just temper your approach to her. My sister actaully went through the same thing as a teenager, she did it mostly for attention. She would sigh "I haven't eaten a thing today, but I'm just not hungry". We are thirteen years apart and I knew she was just trying to get a reaction. She wanted me to say "WHAT! EAT SOMETHING". I would usually just say "Oh yeah" and change the subject.

Again, I'm not saying you should ignore this issue, but please don't talk about it in front of her to your husband, mother, friends. Make sure she is not around. You need to have good healthy food around, accessible and available at all times. If you can cut out all the junk, like milkshakes, chips, soda. Have a plate of fresh fruit and veggies cut up and sitting out when she gets home from school. Set good a example of eating healthy (BTW, I'm not saying you don't do this already).

One last suggestion, if you feel this might become more serious ask you doctor's office for contact information for an eating disorder clinic, go in an talk to someone who either works with young girls, some of the counselors might even have suffered from eating disorders themselves.

Good luck, I hope your situation improves.

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 07:19 pm:

Anon #3 (I think) here. I had a problem with anorexia and bulemia for about five years through high school and still have trouble with it, even now. I think you're taking an extremely responsible, caring approach to this situation. I really want to applaud the way you've handled things. {{{Anon and DD}}}

BTW, I would argue against letting her see other girls having trouble with eating disorders. In the twisted mindset of someone suffering from a distorted body image, we see someone that is thinner than us or that is able to show even more self-control than us and it just spurs us on to try harder. I use to go to the library and look up books about eating disorders just to use the pictures of very sick women as motivation to go a little longer without eating or to push myself to exercise a little longer. If this becomes more than you and your pediatrician can handle, I would highly suggest seeing a psychiatrist that speciallizes in eating disorders. If you haven't BTDT, you just can't understand how differently our minds process things.

By Tripletmom on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 07:37 pm:

Anon #3-I never thought about it that way.I'm glad you posted to help Anon #1.I have no experience in this area but just wanted to help.(((HUGS)))

By Anonymous on Thursday, June 22, 2006 - 07:45 pm:

Anon #3 here again
"If you haven't BTDT, you just can't understand how differently our minds process things."

I knew you meant no harm and if it was another type of problem (stealing, drugs, etc.), it would make sense. In this particular area, the rules that make sense to others just don't apply. Really, you can never be thin enough, go long enough without food, or push yourself too far. It's never enough.

By Amecmom on Saturday, June 24, 2006 - 09:00 pm:

Rather than three meals a day, which may really be stuffing her, could you try and get her to eat six small meals or three meals (small) and three healthy snacks? This way she may feel like she's not eating too much to gain weight, but you'll know she's getting the right nutrition? Just a thought. If there is an eating disorder involved, then of course the solution is much more complicated.
Good Luck
Ame