How do I tell my DS he's overweight?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2005:
How do I tell my DS he's overweight?
You guys have been so helpful and encouraging in the past. I am hoping you will have some help for me on this issue.
Sigh, I have avoided this question for so long. I have a seven year old who is in first grade. He is overweight, and the kids are teasing him. I have cut out all junk food, and try to exercise (play ball) with him everyday. We don't have many kids in the neighborhood his age, so it's up to me to go out and play with him. I have signed him up for basketball, however it is only twice a week.
He is now asking me if he is fat. I have always told him "No, you're not." However, he is overweight and I am worried about him.
The doctor at his last checkup did not mention anything to him, and I was hoping he would. It is much more easier to take when a doctor tells you that you're overweight than when your Mom tells you.
It has gone beyond telling him I want him to be healthy. What do you say when he wants a cookie, and a simple "NO." won't cut it? He keeps asking "Why, am I fat?" Also, what do you say when all the kids are calling him fat, and he asks if they are telling the truth?
Is there a gentle way to tell your young son that he needs to loose weight? I love him to pieces, and I want him to have a positive outlook about himself. Do you tell him sugar is bad?
I am struggling with a weight issue of my own for the first time in my life. I am avoiding saying diet, and I am focusing on healthy. However, I am coming to the conclusion that kids do not like the word "healthy."
Any ideas? He is 4'9" and weighs 120 pounds.
This is a tricky one. I don't know if I would have the guts? to come right out and say it.
I think I would get rid of the "bad" foods in the house and replace them with a heathier version.
Tell him, as a family, you need to get heathly. It's hard for the family to eat right if there's cookies in the house.
One of my best friends is dealing with issues from her childhood and being overweight. She has some major scars! Kids are so mean!
Another thing, since he's only 9, I would imagine some of it will seem to disappear when he gets taller. My brother was overweight around that age, now he's 21, 6ft and about 165 lbs.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Mary,
I am going thru the same thing you are, my soon to be 8yr old DS is 5' and 150 lbs. and in 2nd grade. My ped refered us to a ped endocrynologist which we saw this past July. He is perfectly healthy without any medical issues. I have lived this life as a child also and been heavy my whole life. The endo doctor is 100% sure it is genetics and what she suggested is 1/2 hour of continuous indoor exercise, riding bike or treadmill. This is hard to do with homework and bed time at 8:00pm and us not getting home until 5:30pm. She did say splenda sugar substitute is OK for children. About a year ago I had cut sugar, fat and carbs in our diet and he still gained, while I and my 14 yr DS have lost. We do not refer to our eating as a diet but as health eating. I show him all the labels on food. We try to stay under 10 grams of fat, and 5 grams of sugar, and lower carbs. He does not like sports and we have tried baseball, swimming, and soccer. I can not force him to do the things he does not like. Another thing is portion control, only one serving of all foods at time and like at dinner if he asks for more I allow more meat and veggies but not potatoes or pasta. I was told to only try to not have him gain, not lose at this time. I weigh him about once a week and if he has gained a pound or two we cut back. If he is going to a party or school function, I adjust his intake the rest of the day. Use low carb torillas for sandwiches and kool aid makes a pouch that only has 10 calories, jello now has sugarless pudding and Russell Stover has great sugarless candy as does Hersheys, but these have to be limited also. The endo doc said just because it is sugar free doesn't mean you can eat a lot of it. You'll find some people who are disagree about the splenda but I tune that out and do what I think is best for him and the doc said it was OK. As for the teasing, my DS hasn't complained yet about that, but I have explained to him that some kids can be cruel and for him to be the better person and let in go in one ear and out the other - sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt you is our motto. It breaks my heart also and I am tearing up just typing this. Explain that God made us all different shapes, sizes and colors. But most of all boost his confidence, make him understand that he is loved for who he is. I didn't learn this until I was in my 20's and was a miserable teen ager and I don't want my son to be like that. Maybe you could check with your ped and have him refered to a Nutritionist, this will be our next step when I feel it necessary. Does overweight run in your family?? In mine there is one person in each family that is overweight on my fathers side, that is just how it is. We do not eat more that others it's just processed differently. If you would like to email me off the board that would be fine hassellmb at hotmail dot com. I tried going to boards for parents of overweight children but they are extreme like kids who weigh 500 lbs in their teens and I can't relate to that. Hang in there he will be just fine!!!!!!!
My middle son is pushing the fat margin. He is 10. Since I am overweight myself it is easy for me to compare and say, if you continue to make these choices this is how you will look. I use the word choice on a regular basis, that is not a good choice, that is a great choice, which makes this best choice. Sometimes we choose to eat bad stuff and that is fine, but not every meal and just because we have a cookie, doesn't mean we should eat the box  Our first step was trying to identify exactly what the issue is. My son his main issue is overeating. For example we just had breakfast. He had 2 biscuits and a glass of carnation instant good start milk. The serving size on the biscuits is 1, for 100 calories, so at 2, he is at 200 calories and the milk is about 150 calories (skim). So he had a 350 breakfast. Not bad, but he is hungry still, so in his opinon he should have two more bisquits. Well that makes is 500 calories and that is officially 1/3 of what he should be eating a day. Well, hmmm, that means no snacks and two small meals. That is a choice he can make, but it is a harder choice. We have really started talking about serving sizes, no more than two servings of any one food, move on to a different food group (my answer this morning is have a 50 calorie apple or some grapes). Awareness is important.
So if it isn't food, you mention inactivity. Well that is simple to fix. No screen time during the week. They use up more calories playing with toys than watching tv. Go for a walk with him, just let him play in the back yard, get a small trampoline, etc. There are lots of ways to get some exercise in that seem like fun. Teach him to jumprope!
In general you may not want to use the word fat, but now is the time to teach him he has control over what he looks like. If he is asking if he is fat, then he knows and he is looking for mommy to be honest. Next time he said something I think I would say, well, yes a little bit. How does that make you feel? What should we do about that? And suggest that you make some changes. You need to be clear that we aren't making changes because somebody made fun of him, but because he wants to feel better.
I have recently gone on WW and my son is also losing weight now. He doesn't right down points, but we talk about points all the time. it has also made me more active. He likes that change in me (better meals, more fun times with me, etc).
One more thing PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM HE IS FAT, there is nothing worse than hearing this from a parent. It is such a harsh word!!! When/if he asks politely and honestly let him know he is a little overweight/heavy for his age and height and that looks aren't everything, it's what's inside that counts.
I would not word it fat or even overweight. I would continue to focus on healthy still. If he asks, I would find a way to bring up BMI and look it up with him and still focus on a healthy BMI and not so much weight. I know BMI has to do with weight, but I think it sounds better. If he asks for a cookie, I would say "Can you think of a healthy choice?" I've been saying that to my DD. Or else I say "Yes, you can have a cookie, but have you had a healthy snack first?" I would not bring up diet at all. Is he filling his time snacking for a reason? I might also have him help you go through a healthy cook book and find some healthy recipes that you can make together.
Please don't ever use overweight or fat. I think something like that sticks with you for the rest of your life and can be so hurtful. All you can do is to help him make better food choices. If you place too much pressure on him, he'll end up sneaking snacks and such. It wouldn't hurt to call your Dr. as well and get some ideas. I'm sure there has to be some books on the subject too. Have you checked Amazon??
Good luck--this is a tough one.
Actually, I changed my mind. I don't even think I would say BMI. I would say "I think we should get fit and healthy together. Let's think of some fun ways we can do that." I wouldn't bring up weight at all....Sorry to confuse you.
I would guide him with questions...
ask him..."What do you think?"
"How do you think we could be more healthy?" You'd be surprised what he already knows. Maybe even make a star chart for how many fruits, vegetables, and water he drinks. (Don't forget protein either.)
Make it a game for him. Little men love "targets", if you will?
And, of course, do it with him so he doesn't feel so alone.
Is he at a high risk for diabetes? There is an epidemic among kids with this disease and it's really in your hands. Maybe go to the doctor again and have a talk with the doc beforehand and voice your concerns. Your doc should say something, at least if anything, that he needs to exercise and eat right.
He might lose his fat when he is a teenager. I've seen that happen many times, but you don't want him to be at risk for diabetes. I would talk to your doctor further and, again, make a chart for fruits, veggies, water, protein. Teach him how to read a nutritional label (if you can)? And, reward him with time with you playing catch. Reward with things that are fun but active.
Oh, and WATCH THE JUICE drinks...they are loaded with sugar. The make all sorts of things without all the sugar. And, kids eat a lot of chips too....there are soy crisps out there that are so much more healthy.
If you need more ideas, email me at
heidi henkel at hotmail dot com
Our school system just started a very good after school program where the kids get on a bus & go to the rec center. Not only do they exercise with the children, but they teach them about healthy eating. You may look into if your school district or rec centers offer anything like this.
Good luck, it hurts to be teased about your weight. I was told that I need to go visit Ethiopia when I was in 5th grade, because maybe I would lose weight.
Wow! Thanks for all of the great ideas. Yes, I will continue to avoid the word "fat" and "overweight" around the house. My sister thought that she was overweight most of her life (I always envied her curves) and she still has a hard time believing compliments and seeing herself as beautiful.
It is sad. I asked my son what he does when the kids call him fat, and he said for me not to worry because he has learned to "Deal with It." What a sad thing for a seven-year-old to learn. I feel as though this is my fault. Which it is.
He has been dying to use my treadmill! He is 4'9", and if he keeps it at a low walking level, and if I watch him, I think it will be alright. It shows how long it takes to burn calories, and even I am surprised at the hard work it takes to burn off one cookie.
I love the idea of the chart. I will make one tonight. I think if we eat "healthy" and exercise then he should get a treat at the end of the week. Not a food treat, maybe something else.
I think I will also curb the TV. I have been tempted to cancel cable because they keep raising rates. Maybe this is a good time to do so.
Thanks so much. I am glad I am not the only one out there that has this problem.
My daughters, 14 and 16, were on the large side when they were young, and now they are a nice healthy size. I know heredity has a factor in our family. My husband and I were fairly chubby when we were young. I do think that some of it will wear off, but a healthy lifestyle should begin at a young age.
My 11 yr old son is overweight as well, Iam too. Its so hard. He wasnt always overweight, he was actually wearing slim jeans when he was 4 and 5. I think he started getting the extra weight about 2-3 yrs ago. Hes about 5'2, and weighs around 115 I think. The dr had a talk with him. She never mentioned the word fat. Actually she talked about more exercise.Hes fairly active when he wants to be, he rides his bike, he rides his skateboard, he plays basketball with the neighbor kids. BUT, I also see how much time he plays gameboy and playstation as well. Ive always been overweight, and got o Weight Watchers on and off. Hes picked up my habits of looking at labels, to see what is loaded with carbs and fat and what isnt.I try not to have any soda with sugar in it here. I only drink Diet coke. Sometimes he has a glass of that. He doesnt drink milk, so hes not getting much calories from that. He probably eats the most fattening/calories at lunch. For breakfast and dinner, he has lowfat/healthy stuff.
Its hard. My husband thinks he will just get taller and wont be overweight. But, my whole family is overweight and I think its in the genes, and I hate it.
Could you talk to him about how everyone's body uses food differently and he is someone who needs the very best foods to feel his best and have the energy he needs for school and play? You could tell him that some people can eat unhealthy foods and their bodies are not affected like he is - he needs the extra special fuel, etc. etc.
I think searching for an active sport he loves will help a lot too.
Good luck.
Amy
I absolutely agree with NOT using the words "fat" or "overweight". Ultimately at his age YOU are in control of what comes into your house and what's in your pantry and fridge. Make sure he has lots of healthy choices for snacks (and limited--too much of any food isn't good). I agree with limiting the carbs/starches. Protein tends to fill people up and keep them full longer. Make sure he's getting lots of fiber, too. I'd suggest getting in touch with a nutritionist. She/he can help the whole family and will focus on healthy eating. If he gets into good habits now, by the time he's 15 I can see him being a healthy, fit kid.
That being said, I gotta tell you both my nephews are on the big side. *S* will be 12 next week. He's 5'2" and weighs in at about 160lbs. I have some concerns about his size, but not a lot. Why not? His brother, *M* will be 16 in January and was the same size when he was *S*'s age. Now he's 6'2" and weighs about 200lbs, but he looks great! He's a very handsome, well built young man. He plays football and is in the marching band (good exercise). These kids are going to be big no matter what. My brother (their dad) is 6' and weighs about 275lbs and my sil is about 5'9" and weighs about 220lbs. Yes, genetics play a lot into it, but just because mom and dad are overweight doesn't mean the kids will be 100% of the time. Good luck with getting your family healthier.
Didn't read any of the other responses, so I hope this goes over well.
I wouldn't cut out the sweets TOTALLY. I mean, part of having fun as a kid is the sweet stuff. But, as with everything else, in moderation.
We have the chips and the soda in our house (for dh's lunch mainly) and ds gets into them almost every day. I have always limited his intake, though, to one serving per day, after he gets home from school.
If he askes can I have this or can I have that, I go down the list (a mental one) of all the things he's had to eat that day or evening and tell him he really doesn't need anything more to eat. If he still thinks he is hungry, he can have a glass of milk and a banana or an apple or a small bowl of cereal. As long as it's a healthy food. That is it- I put my foot down.
I also use myself as an example. I am about 60 pounds overweight. I show him my belly and tell him that I got this by eating too much junk food and not enough exercise.
Kids usually eat b/c they are bored. I know kids that eat like pigs at dinner, but they spend the majority of their time running around and playing with their friends, or doing sports.
Hope this helps.
"I also use myself as an example. I am about 60 pounds overweight. I show him my belly and tell him that I got this by eating too much junk food and not enough exercise."
I'm laughing, because I'm overweight too. If I show him my belly, I'm afraid the shock would be too much for him...haha!
I do think he eats because he is bored. I wish they had an afterschool program such as what Emily's school has. I know my son would enjoy playing with other kids after school. We live in an area where most of the kids are teenagers.
I think I will ask his PE teacher if she has any ideas for afterschool.
He did the Treadmill last night while I was watching him. I keep the security key out of sight, so he can only do this when I'm around. He walked, played around really, for ten minutes. He loves the incline. With all the buttons, it's like a starship console. Then we danced crazy for another few minutes. It was fun. I think I will try to do that with him more often.
It helps that I am trying to exercise and be healthy. I guess with my son, it's "monkey-see-monkey-do."
It's so tough to help someone else lose weight...especially a kid. I also don't think that telling him he's overweight will help. I think your best bet is to give him specific rules. For a kid, "eat healthy" or "you need to cut down" isn't clear enough. I think it's kind of like saying, "Go clean your room," versus "Go make your bed, hang up your clothes, and empty your trash."
Here are some specific rules I would make:
Explain what breakfast consists of. For instance. Breakfast is one bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit. Or two frozen waffles and a glass of juice. Then stick to that. When he starts to pour a second bowl say, “Uh uh. Breakfast is one bowl. How about some grapes or a couple of carrots.” Stick to this even if it’s very hard at first.
Same goes with lunch. Lunch is a sandwich and a piece of fruit. Maybe one cookie.
Snacks are popcorn (one baggie), fruit, a fruitroll, carrots, etc.
No seconds on the main dish at dinner. Seconds only on veggie. Dessert is 2 cookies and a glass of milk.
Here’s the most important part (and the hardest): These rules apply to everyone. I don’t think the heavy child should be singled out to lose weight. As someone said, if he just maintains his weight, as he grows taller, everything will even out. No one should eat two breakfasts for breakfast. No one needs more than 2 cookies for dessert. When you state these rules, state them as if they exist for everyone and are just general, healthy rules. This will make it so he doesn’t feel singled out and depressed because he is the only one who has to eat this way. You have to make it sound like this is just the way you eat. It’s not punishment. It’s just healthy.
This takes a lot of elbow grease. You have to use humor, diversionary tactics, and debating skills. In the end you may just have to say, “Hey, out of the kitchen. Dinner will be ready in X minutes. We’re having chicken, so no more snacks. Go read. Go do your homework. Go play a little basketball/ping-pong/scootering.”
Good luck to you.
I was an overweight kid and was teasted ALOT. I can still tell you all the names the kids called me. It did a number on my self esteem. I was at a normal weight in high school and up until I had my kids and now I am overweight again. The childhood teasing and my parents attempts at "helping" me...ie telling me it was time for me to go on a diet, really did a number on me and when I am overweight I honestly don't feel worthy to even be involved in life. I TOTALLY agree with other posters who have said to NEVER tell your son he is fat or overweight (I'm sure you didn't need us to tell you that though). Probably the best thing you could do is not "say" anything but just make lifestyle changes for the whole family. Get everyone a pedometer and have a contest to see who can walk 10,000+ steps daily. Make healthy food choices for the entire family not just your son. I would have a talk with the school. My dk's school is wonderful and has a zero tolerance on teasing but they deal with it in a manner that doesn't single the teased kid out as being a tattle-tale.
I like the rule, one desert per day. Helps me. I also don't serve snacks. Just three meals a day.
People do double carbs too. Like french fries and hamburger bun. One carb a meal is enough.
I see no harm in telling him he is fat. He already realizes it, and is being teased about it. If it's done with love and a full understanding of what that means. And a plan of how to get thin and healthy it can be a productive thing. have him search through magazines and find an ideal for him, and encourage and participate like you are doing now. With obesiety being such a huge problem in the US, I think honesty is the best policy the only way to change something is to face it head on. and what a better time to do it, and with the loving support of mom.I totally agree with you, kids don't like the healthy word, When kids are fat it's so hard for them to change their body shapes as they age, and it's one of the hardest stigmas for kids to overcome. I hope this goes OK for you. Also I would find a doctor, or talk to your's, that agrees with the importance of this.
I would not tell him he is fat. I would find activities you can do together. I would add healthy food to both of your diets. Let him know that you love him no matter what. That is an important part. If he is overweight I think he is probably aware of it.
|
Members
