My DS is in the 2nd grade (what is it with these 2nd grade boys lately?) his teacher especially requested him last year because she liked him and he liked her so much. The problem is ALL his friends got put into the other class. My son is very social and outgoing. We are a title I school, which means there is a lot of lower income, which is fine but a lot of them have had a hard first few years of life. There are also 8 new kids in his class this year. I am in his room a lot and there isn't really anyone I have met that is in his class for him, I am not trying to be one of those mothers (his teacher has even made the coment) but it is a strange mix of kids and as far as the boys go it is a difficult mix. I have been watching silently all year and have been really suprised that he hasn't said anything and I thought he was doing well with it. I get a note from his teacher on Friday that he hasn't been himself lately and as we talk I find out he has been laying his head on his desk, not wanting to participate, and as I have talked to other school staff this week they have said the same thing. So I ask him what is going on and he tells me he is lonely and just can't "get comfortable" with the kids in his class. So I am putting all this together (and it is breaking my heart that I didn't pick up on it sooner) I realize about 3 weeks ago he stopped sleeping in his bed and has been complaining of headaches. I asked him if he wanted to meet with his teacher and me so we could come up with a solution and he said he doesn't want to hurt her feelings because he likes her so much.

I thought about having him moved to the other class but am I teaching him to just "bail" when things don't go his way, on the other hand, I don't want him depressed and hating school. Any advice would be appreciated!

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 02:55 am:

Two things - first, if at all possible, get him seen by a child psychiatrist or psychologist, to find out what is at the root of this. I first took my youngest to a psychiatrist when he was about 7 or 8, and one of my really major regrets as a parent is that I stopped taking him after about 6 sessions. My son has struggled terribly with depression his whole life, and I now know that if we had gotten him serious help much earlier (like when he was 7 or 8) and kept on with it, his life would have been much easier. Depression is often a chemical imbalance and not directly situation related, although situations can make it worse.

It could be that your son's depression is situational, which means it is probably fairly easily solveable. it may be something that happened with one or some of the other children that the teacher doesn't know about, but which should be brought to light. If it is not situational, then you want to know as soon as possible so you can get a handle on it.

Second, if he wants to move to the other class, move heaven and earth to get him transferred. No, you are not teaching him to bail. And even if he doesn't want to hurt the teacher's feelings, your concern is your son and his development and his learning and his happiness. I think if you do that you are teaching him that when a situation is intolerable there are sometimes alternatives if you look for them, and you are teaching him that he can trust his mother to really love him, really care about him, and really try to help him, so that he can feel safe in confiding in and trusting his mother.

It sounds to me like you have a very, very unhappy child. Do you really want to teach him that when a situation is intolerable, when he really can't cope, that you want him to stay unhappy. Yes, this situation can teach him to hate and fear school. No, he is not learning anything. Yes, you can do something about it.

It's nice that he is thinking about the teacher's feelings, and you probably should consult with her. But your job is to think about your son's feelings, not the teacher's.

I feel so very strongly about this it probably comes across as strong. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I think this is a little boy who needs his mommy to help him.

By Kaye on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 07:58 am:

Let me just say from experience, if you know the class isn't working out, not doing anything can do a LOT of harm. You are not teaching him to bail, but you will be teaching him the following things: 1. my mommy will take care of me no matter what 2. I can trust that my mommy always thinks about me over other people. 3. when something isn't working there are solutions, you just have to find them 4. we don't have to be people pleasers, it is okay to put yourself first over the feelings of a teacher.

If you do nothing, there is a small chance that he will be okay. But there is a big chance that you will be in therapy all year, he will struggle all year, his self esteem will take a hit, and next year will be a hard change too.

By Kittycat_26 on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 07:59 am:

It may help if you can get some buy in from the teacher regarding moving him to the other class. If she discusses this with your son, it may make the move/decision much easier for him.

By Kate on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 09:36 am:

I would move him, too. No doubt about it. It sounds like whoever selected the classes did a pretty poor job of it! Didn't the previous teachers put their heads together and try and make harmonious classes for the next year? And the EIGHT new kids in HIS class....did the other class get any new kids??

By Coopaveryben on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 09:46 am:

Ginny, I don't think you came across as too strong it is kind of what I was thinking and needed to hear. I scheduled a meeting with his teacher for tomorrow and I am going to talk to his principal tonight at church so she will give the go ahead for him to be moved. Thank you also Kaye and Amanda!

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - 11:08 am:

I have to say, I think Kaye said it best of all.