Help me with my ds!
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Help me with my ds!
How many times have i posted about this boy? I feel like it has been many many times. My ds is now 4 1/2. So school is out and I think he is bored or wants attention or something because he is just being plain mean!
He and his sister (6) can be playing very nicely and then he will all of a sudden hit her HARD because she has a toy (that is HERS) that he wants and she won't let him have it. So then i calmy tell him that hitting is unacceptable and he needs to say sorry. Then maybe he will say sorry but then he will stick his tongue out at me or her. So then I tell him he needs to go to his room. He says "NO!" So i bring him to his room while he is trying to hit me! I shut the door to his room. He sits there and kicks the door and says things like "i don't like you, you stinky!"
So in a nutshell. He will do something wrong or unacceptable. I will be calm and tell him not to do that, he will talk back, i will punish him and his behavior gets worse from there.
Just today he hit his sister twice. Once at the pool for some reason. Hard enough to make her cry. So i made him sit out of the pool for a while. Of course i had to grab him and take him out of the pool because he wasn't listening on his own. Then later they were playing Polly Pockets and she had the Polly he wanted and didn't give it to him so he kicked her. He did say he was sorry right away, but that is because he knew he was in trouble. I asked him what happened and he told me. I explain to him to use his words instead of hitting all the time. To calm down and try to count to ten if he feels he is about to hit her. But then he goes right back to hitting.
Please help me. This is going to be a Looooong summer if this is how he is going to act.
Well first thing that comes to mind is this...how long have you tried this method of discipline? If it has been longer than 2 months, then it isn't working for him. You need to regroup and find something new. The joy of raising children is different things work for different kids and even as they grow and change you have to also.
So what are some choices. You could spank. I know this is controversial, but for one of mine it was the only effective method. You could be a lot more firm, no warnings, as you see the behavior just immediately remove him from the situation. Another option is to make him hang out with you instead of in his room, if he can't play nice "then you have to watch him extra close". Or you could make him work, you can't play nice, here scrub the floor or pull weeds, etc. He won't like any of these, he will say ugly things. He is four, this will pass, he will still love you at the end of the day. Kid like to test the boundries. Another option that I would incorporate also is a reward system. The easiest one is get a big baby food jar and some marbles, explain that when you see him behave well he will get a marble when the jar is full he can have such and such. Do it for your dd too, her getting marble will encourage him to do so. It is important that you say, I am so proud of you for this or that, that deserves a marble, being very loud and noticible, not on the sly. You can use a big jar and be really really generous, or a smaller jar and reward less.
I don't have any advice, though I think Kaye's advice is great. I just wanted to let you know I had read this, and (((hugs))), it must be difficult right now. Have you talked to his ped? Good luck, sweetie!
Patti, based on my experience with my youngest son, I urge you to consider evaluation by a pediatric psychiatrist or other qualified person.
My youngest exhibited inappropriate behavior in many ways (though, thank goodness, not overt agression -he was more passive-aggressive), and I took him for counseling for a short period when he was about 5, and we went for family counseling when he was about 12, but not for very long. In 20-20 hindsight, I can see that he had problems that became serious problems as he went into his teens and adulthood, that caused him to do a lot of things that had very negative impact on his life. He is still struggling, but winning for the past 3 years. I cannot help but believe that if I had gotten serious help for him very early on he would have been able to cope much sooner. This belief is reinforced by the recent articles about the early onset of emotional and psychiatric problems in children.
I don't have two kids but don't they have to share toys? Take turns on a toy. If they can't share a toy I would put it in time out.
He could wait his turn for the toy.
Does he just hit his sister and you?
Or does he hit other kids too?
I would take him to be evaluated like Ginny said.(free though school district)
There are a bunch of books at the library on Anger control.
Story books anger social situations - I would ask the librarian for help in finding them
There are methods like
taking 3 deep breaths.
Going to another room
find an adult to talk to about your options
Count to ten
Do something else like draw a picture
wait for a turn at the toy
To control anger.
Any of the pbs titles has some anger stories.
You can look at amazon.com for anger in kids books and take them out of library.
You read the books like story books to them and they learn the methods though repetition.
You might get a free social worker to help you through the school district. I don't like to be hit so I would get some help either through my insurance company finding social worker or something.
My girlfriend did this with her son....
My girlfriend does the reward system like Kaye suggested. That is a good idea.
Does he have any 4 year buddies he can get physical with instead of his sister? Or maybe can his dad rough house with him every evening for a little while? Maybe take him to an indoor rock climbing gym.
The book The Wonder of Boys talks about this testosterone driven aggressiveness that boys have, which is tough in a feminized world.
I had a son who acted much the same way. He is 7 now and it isn't an issue anymore but it did seem to peek for him about 4-5. However, I have seen it left unhandled and it will continue for a very long time. My son seemed to get worse when there was a change. Like school got out and a week later he would get worse...the change in behavior usually came a week or two after the "change" in his life. It took me a long time to make the connection.
For my son I felt like we were extreme at times with his discipline because it was the only thing that worked. For instance the pool thing he would have been done swimming for the day, he would have had to watch his sister finish her swimming. And yes it would have been absolutely miserable for me too. When my son went to his room he would call me names from under the crack in the door...I'm not saying you should do this but..I put a drop of soap in his mouth (I had to pin him down to do it)and he couldn't get a drink for 5 minutes....also miserable for me too. I only had to do that twice and he has NEVER called me a name since. He heard some kid call their mother a name the other day and his mouth dropped and he said, "can you believe he just talked to his mom like that, I would never" (I know this will get some people upset but when you have a boy who is completely out of control I think it is crucial for to do whatever it takes to get it under control).
Anyway, this is just my opinion. I know how it feels though. For me I felt that any correction I made (for example just asking him to sit down) was going to turn into a "fit" and it was very tiring and I cried a lot of times behind the bathroom door after spending 2 hours dealing with him over what seemed like something really small to me, to him it was all about power...he wanted it and I knew I had to win it EVERYTIME. Hang in there...my middle son is hitting 4 he is the calmest of the three boys and he is starting some of the same stuff, not as extreme but still draining none the less. I just hope I still have the energy for the youngest, he is the strongest willed of them all.
I recommended Dr. Dobson "Dare to Discipline".
I don't think spanking will solve a thing.
Try this link.
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/preschooler/pbehavior/index#pdisciplineBkmk
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