magazine

I came across this interesting article on why children lie in New York Magazine when I was at the dentist's office. It's long, but I think it's worth reading. A lot of it resonated with my own thinking about children and lying.

By Happynerdmom on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 10:03 am:

Thanks, Ginny! Very interesting article. It resonated with me, too. Lying can be so complicated! I'm like one of those parents in the article who would have been proud that my child was polite about the bar of soap, disregarding that it was dishonest. So I guess I cannot say I value honesty above being polite...

Very thought provoking. Thanks, again!

By Dawnk777 on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 06:01 pm:

So, teaching them to say, "Nice present!" with a smile is also teaching them to lie? So, what is a parent to do, then. I was brought up the same way.

It is a complicated topic, all the way around. I'm sure I usually lied, as a kid, to keep from getting into trouble, although, it probably got me into as much trouble, as not! LOL!

By Ginny~moderator on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 07:23 pm:

One can say "thank you" without saying "nice present". At young ages, I think one can even say "thank you - gee, I was expecting something more exciting".

I agree, it is a very complicated topic. I think the article is a good exploration of a difficult topic, and one that many parents on the board have struggled with.

My own personal thinking is that children start lying at a very early age (as noted in the article), and I think it is important to work on honesty first. When a kid gets to age 5 or 6, then it is time to talk about being polite, and offer suggestions. For instance, if Aunt Jane asks "Do you like my dress?" and you think it is ugly, you can say "it is very colorful" or "I really like the trim on the sleeves" or something like that. And make it clear that this is because you don't want to hurt Aunt Jane's feelings, so you should try to find something nice to say without lying.

Recognizing truth and recognizing the importance of being honest - fully honest, not just an answer that is in itself basically truthful but is deceptive about the overall event under discussion - is so important, I think one has to take the risk of a child not being tactful.

Our rule was always two punishments when a child was caught in a lie - one for the event and one for the lie. Of course, if the kid owned up, there was still the punishment for the event, but also an expression of appreciation for the honesty and a reminder that if he'd been dishonest he'd have had two punishments instead of one.

When I became a work-outside-the-home single mother and my kids were home alone for a few hours after school, we struggled with phone answering. (They were 9, 10 and 15, so it's not as dangerous as it sounds.) I didn't want them to tell callers I was not at home, but I didn't want them to lie. We finally decided on "My mother can't come to the phone right now - I can take a message." That avoided the "Mom's not home" and I wasn't telling my children to lie. Of course, I had to explain why it was technically true, but they were comfortable with it. When we talked about it after they became adults, they appreciated how hard I worked to not have them lie and still not do something unsafe. I think if you work at it, you can find ways in almost every situation where your child can be truthful without saying something that is not polite or is potentially hazardous (like telling a stranger your mom isn't home).

Of course, I worked hard at not setting a son up for a lie. If I knew he'd done something (and when they're young you usually know), I'd say "you did thus and so" instead of asking if he did thus and so.

One reason I think it is so important for a child to recognize the importance of honesty is that it is so easy to begin lying to or deceiving oneself if honesty is not a very high value. I watched that with my son when he was struggling with severe depression. One of the things that happened when he finally started to really want to take control of his life and started taking therapy seriously is that he began being honest with the therapist AND with himself. And that was the beginning of his being able to get control over his depression. Even now, if I ask him if he is depressed because his behavior indicates he is, his first response is to say "I'm OK", but now he will come back a bit later and say, "No, I'm not OK, I'm feeling depressed, but I'm working on it." He used to just say "I'm OK" and be very defensive - and spiral further down into depression. I realize that's an extreme situation, but it highlights for me why honesty and self-honesty are so important.

By Dawnk777 on Friday, March 14, 2008 - 08:25 pm:

There are times, when I wish Gary would be honest about what's really bothering him, like he goes ballistic over something little, because deep down, something BIG is bothering him. After 20 years, you'd think he'd know that I'm on to him! It usually comes out eventually, but not before there's been an altercation over something stupid and completely different.

When I was posting before, I think thinking that merely saying a gracious "thank you" for the gift isn't dishonest and isn't a lie.

When my sisters and I were left alone, as we got to be older kids, my parents wanted us to say that mom or dad couldn't come to the phone right now, too, since they didn't want us to advertise that we were home alone. I always had a hard time with that! I'm not sure why, because I've certainly lied, in my lifetime about stuff. I think sometimes I would say it and sometimes I wouldn't. I guess I can be a stinker sometimes.