Help with son's new friend *long*
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
Help with son's new friend *long*
I will start with a short history before I tell you the problem. History is important to the issue and solution.
We have lived in our home for 1 1/2 y. Our neighbor(so I thought) was an older single man. Our relationship with him has always just been a wave and hello because we have nothing in common.
About two months ago, a woman comes over and introduces herself as my neighbor and tells me that she has been with this guy for years, etc.... I had never seen her before. She came over to tell me that her 10yo son will be coming to live with her soon and wanted to see if my kids would befriend him because his is painfully shy and overweight, etc. I said sure, because my kids are very friendly and compassionate kids.
She also explained to me that if she seemed a little strange it is because she had an accident and was suffering a little confusion from the trauma. I thought she had a car accident, so I asked. She told me that she had hung herself with a rope and died. They revived her. I noticed that she had a scab around her neck, as it had only happened about 2 weeks before that. I remember seeing the emergency crew over there during that time.
Anyway, she is making remarkable improvement and seems normal now. Her son did show up about 3 weeks ago.
At first he seemed ok, but very shy like she said. As I have gotten to know him, I think that the "shyness" is actually sneakiness.
My ds (8yo) showed him where our emergency key WAS hidden and he tried to use it to come in when we did not answer the door. He goes from our front door to the side and to the back and knocks relentlessly. My kids are home alone for 30 minutes in the afternoons before we get home from work. They don't answer the door for ANYONE!!! That is when he decided to let himself in.
We had a talk with him and removed the extra key. After that I came home from work to find our going nuts! The kid had scaled our fence (which is padlocked) and was trying to get in the house again! My dog chewed on his ankles but did not break the skin. I took him over to his mom and told her to please ask him to stop coming in our yard when we are not home. She was cool with that.
My older ds who is closer to his age will not play with him because he is so strange, but my 8yo likes him.
Now to the big problem, This kid has a potty mouth! His favorite word is the "F" word. He says shut the "f" up to my younger one. He calls my older one very foul names. I found out that 8yo has been participating in this language with him on the school bus. We have handled that problem, but...
Since his Mom obviously has some emotional/mental issues I am afraid to go to her with this. He lives next door, so I don't know how I could forbit him to come over without getting his mother involved.
Do I sit him down and explain that this is unacceptable? I really don't feel comfortable correcting other people's kids, but what else can I do?
Please help! Any input will be greatly appreciated!
I think you don't have much choice other than to go to his mom and tell her that you'd rather he didn't come to your house anymore.
You can say something like *It's apparent to me we have different rules and parenting styles, and I believe our kids shouldn't play together any more.*
I'm sorry for the child, but this sounds like trouble looking for a place to happen. Better if it DOESN'T happen at your house.
I think that yes, you should sit down with him and tell him that when he's over at your house, or out playing with your DS that you do not allow that kind of language, and if he can't stop using it that he will not be allowed back at your house. If he doesn't stop, then go and talk to his mother. If you're REALLY uncomfortable with talking to him about it, then you have no other choice but to talk to his mom about it. She may have mental issues, but it's still her child, and she still has the responsibility to make sure he's behaving properly. HTH
Melana
We've had a couple of issues similar (umm...but without the apparently nonchalant hanging attempt *mouth hanging open*). I think that first off I would try to be a positive role model for this child. Obviously his mom is pretty messed up and he has apparently been shuffled back and forth between mom and someone else (dad?) and now is in a house with a mom living out of wedlock apparently. He is probably crying out for someone to set boundaries for him. I would try a sit-down serious talk with him about language that is not tolerated not only in your house, but around your children PERIOD. I'd also reinforce the idea that you will open the door to him when he is welcome to come over, but that sometimes even when you are at home you are eating supper, the kids are doing homework, you are having family time, etc. and he can't come over and play then. I'd only let him play over at your house and when you are nearby to supervise. I think this could be an excellent opportunity for your children to learn to love the unlovable and a way to boost this kid's self-esteem. However, if it starts doing a number on your kids' self-esteem or behavior then it might be time to cut off the relationship entirely.
I'd start with the child first (and he's in your home so you can correct him and he does have to abide by your rules) and if that doesn't work, then the mom. If that doesn't work...well, 3 strikes you're out!
I think Pamt is a kind and compassionate person. But with all due respect to the way we wish the world was and to Christian ethics (of which I admite and respect) I have to disagree....
Now for some advice from a person you only know on the internet. **smile**
I will tell you as gently as I know how that this child is not your problem. If your kids were older and would not be influenced or if you were a well-meaning neighbor with no children, I might encourage you to be a positive role model for this child and to try to help the Mom as well.
But that is not your situation and you do not have that luxuary. You have children and a family of your own. The Mom is crazy, you are not going to get anywhere trying to talk to her and she is not looking for friends for her son, she is looking for a free babysitter and someone to "take on" her son so she won't have to...
(I'm sure YOUR kids have not been to HER house, right?)
She is manipulative and she is taking advantage of you. She is hoping you will feel sorry for her (because of recent suicide attempt story) and you will raise her son for her for free (for as long as he is there). She is looking for a "sucker". I am sorry to be so blunt, but the woman is not interested in her son or in her son's well being, as evidenced by her behavior. The woman is interested in finding someone to take care of her son so she won't have to do it and she is playing on your sympathies and trying to "guilt" and manipulate you into raising her difficult son for her. Don't fall for it.
And don't beat yourself up over it either. It is easier for an objective party to see these things than it is for somebody "in the middle of it". I'm sure if I posted about a situation like this, the women on this Board would see things I didn't, as well.
You have not heard, seen or communicated with this neighbor for a year and a half and then all of a sudden, she turns up in your yard, claiming "neighborly status" and asking your family to "be friends with" (translation: take care of ) her difficult son. She had no use for you at all until she thought you could provide a free service for her.
NOW....
If you are truly concerned, you do have an option. The woman's suicide attempt is documented at whatever hospital she went into...all you have to do is call Dept. of Family and Children Services in your area. They will intervene on the boy's behalf. Just tell them exactly what you have witnessed and (more than likely) they will remove the child. Also, it will (probably) make your neighbors mad and you will kill (pardon the expression) two birds with one stone. The son will get taken care of and (probably) removed from the home and the neighbors will be mad with you and you won't have to "fool with them" anymore. I know I sound cold, and if you didn't already have your own responsibilities at home, you might could take a different road. But you have to protect your children from a bad influence and a family with mental health problems. Call DFACS and let them do their job. Audreyj
P.S. I checked your profile, you have a beautiful family.
The Mormons are a wonderful faith. Very devoted and dedicated. Maybe you could refer someone from your church to the family.
I don't know what state you are in, but in GA a documented suicide attempt legally requires counseling and intervention on behalf of the children in the home. DFACS is notified immediately.
Please call DFACS. They really might be able to do something and intervene. You have a beautiful family. Your kids don't have to put up with this. AJ
Ditto Pam. This poor boy obviously doesn't have a good home life. If it were me, I would sit down with him and explain your house rules. I would tell him that if he wants to play at your house with your ds, then he must follow the rules. I would definitely supervise them while they play. If he doesn't follow your rules, then I wouldn't let him play with your ds for awhile. Personally, I think talking to the mother would be a waste of time.
I have 5 yr. old twins that come to my house almost every day. I had problems with them in the beginning. They would kind of smart mouth me, etc. I sat down and told them our house rules and told them to play at our house they had to follow the rules. I haven't had any problems with them since our talk.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It is definitely a tough situation.
I agree with Audrey. Your children and your family come first. It is clear this boy has a lot of problems, not the least of which is not having any idea of what is appropriate behavior. I find his trying to get into your house very disturbing. But you can't be a surrogate mother to him, not least because his mother is still the main figure in his life.
I understand where PamT is coming from, and if you didn't have young impressionable children at home then I would say try to help if you want to and can - but your kids have to come first.
I also agree with Audrey and Ginny. It's a very sad situation, offer help if you can and want to, but don't involve your children.
Count me in the Audrey and Ginny camp, too. I have personal experience with this kind of stuff and I've finally made the decision that I don't sacrifice my son for charity cases anymore. It never works. These kids with no friends don't have any friends for a good reason. They are not desirable. Their parents are not desirable. The parents dump on you and dump on you. The kids do bizarre things to you and your family. It will never change. You will regret the day you agreed for your children to be friends with someone they hadn't met and wouldn't normally be friends with - had your kids met them in class or on soccer.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I have an extroverted child who other parents look to to "help" their kids. I used to do it and it was never a good thing. Now when any parent approaches me with, "We should get out kids together." I say, NO, my son's dance card is full. We have existing friends that we still owe playdates to and we can't add anything else to his social life.
Climbing your fence, circling your house, stealing your house key - be scared. Be very very scared.
I don't like a 8 year old playing with a almost 12 year old. I am always suspicious of sexual abuse. A 12 year old won't have any other use for a 8 year old. The 12 year old is emotionally disturbed it sounds like. I don't like the whole thing.
First of all......THANKS AUDREY! We are very serious about our beliefs and if possible, we try to be a good example to those around us.
I do, however, feel that I am very close to banning this kid from coming over. I talked to him about his dirty mouth and I told him that I heard what he had been saying. He told me that he only does it when he gets mad. I explained to him that is no excuse!
I think that is an indicator that there are issues with this kid.
I am still trying to decide the best way to go about getting rid of him without starting a feud with my neighbors.
I'll keep you all informed.
I would go with the "It's just not working out. The age difference is too great. It's just not a match between the kids. Sorry we couldn't help you out any more. You know, we tried it and this just isn't working so we're going to have to take a pass on any further playing between the kids. I know he'll make friends at school who are closer to his age. Now that school has started we need to scale back, really, *eliminate* this play time as we just can't balance it all anymore."
That kind of spin. Nothing particularly negative about the kid or his family.
Thats kind of scary. Its such a shame, that you even have to deal with this. What is wrong w/ some people nowadays. I agree with Audrey. And your family is beautiful! Let us know how everything goes!
I agree with all the wonderful advice you have already gotten but I have one more thought. For the thirty minutes your kids are home alone, you may want to call in recruits! Either have a friend or relative come (so 12 yr. old isn't insulted by babysitter) or see if you can arrange somewhere they may go (an after school program).
A friend of mine has a similiar (yet not so horrifying) situation. She actually tries to find activities for her children away from home so that her neighbor's kids find them not at home and "visits" with others. It's hard to have to be the one to leave but maybe until he gets the hint.
Robin makes a very good point.
Since we just got back from an 8 day vacation, we haven't had to deal with him. (sigh)
The first day we were back he came over and apologized and told me that he would never hurt Gabe (yeah right). He wanted to know if Gabe could come play. Since we had just gotten home, we had to unpack, etc... So I told him that Gabe is very busy right now and can't play.
I still don't know exactly what to do. I don't want a fued with my next door neighbors, but, I want nothing to do with this kid! I think I will just have to continue to pray and get answers from the One who knows 
The only reason I have the kids ride the bus home is because it is easier to have them home and getting dressed for baseball, karate, etc and all we have to do is walk out the door when we get home. If they went to an afterschool program, our time limits would make it so that we would have to cut out all their sports.
My next door neighbor on the other side is an adorable lady and she watches out for them and for any strange activities outside the house. She is a school crossing guard.
Her grandson rides the bus with them so she know exactly what time they come in, etc.
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