Oh Boy...dd has sex questions!! HELP (long)
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive July-December 2004:
Oh Boy...dd has sex questions!! HELP (long)
This will be long, but I want to give the back round first:
When dd was about 4, she asked me she got out of my belly. Well, she was born via C Section, so I told her about that. Didn't feel it was necessary at that time to go into the other one! She then asked me how she got in my belly! They had just planted sun flowers at preschool, so I related it to that. I explained that Mommys had eggs inside them and Daddys had seeds. When the seed plants itself into the egg, a baby grows much like when you planted seeds in the dirt and sunflowers grew!! It was little more explaining than that, but that is the jist of it. Very simple and at a 4 year old level and I was quite proud of my quick thinking!! She was a little put off by the whole thing and after I carefully explained it all, she then asked how do you not get a seed!! LOL I just told her that you said no thank you and she was very satisfied and that was the end of that. She has talked about seeds and eggs since then and we even talked about 6 months ago about periods and how that related to the eggs and such. But she has never really asked any more questions, so that is pretty much her education to date! Fast forward to tonight. She will be 10 in December. Tonight, out of the blue, she asked me how the seed gets from the dad into the mom!! Dh just started to giggle and looked at me! No help at all. I told her that we would talk about it later after I thought about the best way to tell her about it. I was just so thrown by it and was not at all ready to discuss it!! Here is the thing about it....she still just seems so young and I don't know if she is ready for this talk. You will never guess what we were doing when she asked this question...we were having a birthday party for one of her baby dolls and were eating cake and ice cream!! She made cards today and we decorated and made a cake and had this full fledged party for a BABY DOLL and she is asking about sex!! ARGH!!! She does know that boys and girls have different parts, but to be honest, I don't think she has a clue what the male body part looks like. She doesn't have a little (or big) brother that she has seen and ALL of her little friends that have younger siblings are girls, so she has never even seen a boy getting a diaper changed as far as I can recall. How on earth do I even go about this!!! I have never lied to her and don't want to now, but how do you explain how the seed (I know that I need to correct that term, but remember, she was 4) gets into the mom with out going into the full sex talk?? It is times like this that I miss my mom let me tell ya!! LOL So anyway, is almost 10 the age for this talk? Any suggestions on how I can answer that this isnt a lie but isn't as grafic as I think it is going to be??? PLEASE, any help or suggestions would be great. Do your girls that are about 10 know about this already? Am I just living in the dark ages!! LOL Thanks for reading this book and any help you have!!
I knew about all the sex stuff by the time I was six. I got into my mom's tampons, and when she caught me she had to explain what they were for, one question led to another and by the end of the day I knew about babies, sex and periods! My philosophy(sp?) on this is they are ready to know when they ask about it. I can only immagine how uncomfortable it is, but maybe get a vuage diagram of the male and female body off the internet for a referance, and explain using those. Tell her that sex is a gift you give to your husband, so she should guard it safely. I don't really have any other advice, but I think maybe getting the whole talk out of the way now would be easier than just dropping little bits of information here and there. This way you never have to have this talk with her again.
I just have to say, you are very lucky that she waited til age 10 to ask!! My son began asking questions at a very young age, and by age 8, he asked the "big" question, and I was no where near ready to answer, nor did I feel he was ready to know!! But like Melana said, when they begin to ask, they are ready to know, whether we are ready or not! My advice is, be honest! It's hard, but it's the only way, I was short and blunt with my son, didn't give any information that he didn;t exactly ask for, and did'nt gointo any detail. The look on his face after our talk was priceless, but he was content with the answers and has not asked any more since...I am sure more will come though!
I agree, your lucky she waited this long. And honesty is the best way to deal with it. Just give her the basic need to know info and let her lead you from there.
My children are still young, but I agree with everyone else, when they start asking it is time to know. Another thing, I would rather them hear the TRUTH bluntly from me than to hear the truth perverted in their classmates mouth. I recently asked a young boy (close like family) "from a mother to a child" type situation, when he started learning about sex and ALL the other things that come along with it and he said in 7th grade, that's what? 11 or 12? Anyway that was 3 years ago, things are changing and the ages of having/talking about sex are getting lower. Anyway, just my own thoughts on the matter, I figure I have only about 3 or 4 more years before my 3 y/o dd starts asking questions...so far NO questions at all. Thank God!
Here....I have something that will floor all of you.....
My dh was outside having a conversation with 3 of my boys (the two 13yos and the 14yo (15 in Oct). He told me about most of it later....most of it I didn't want to know. They wanted to know about fudgepacking (of all things) then he found out that's how they thought you made kids. OMG!!! I can't believe this hasn't come up with their father. They never realized we have 3 holes instead of 2. They asked him if they had 69 when he was their age....to which he replied no we only had 68 then. I don't think they got it!! They aren't even sure what that is...so I hear.
I don't know whether to talk to them about it or not. I'm leaving it alone for now since dh said they kept asking if I was coming outside. I don't think they wanted to have that conversation in front of me.
I have never heard of fudgepacking. I'm assuming an alternative way to have sex and not the normal channel?
For the 10yo dd, I would tell her the truth. My parents were evasive and I hated it. I asked about the word rape and no one really answered me. I think I was about 10 or 11 when my friend and I looked it up in the dictionary. I knew enough to understand what the definition meant.
With my own kids, I just told the truth. Both of them also read the book we have, too. Growing up, it's a girl thing. She is probably old enough for it. My oldest dd got her period when she was just shy of 11-1/2.
Definitely, you are lucky your dd came to you with these questions instead of to a friend or schoolmate. What a wonderful opportunity to make sure she gets the correct facts and to load it with the values/moral instruction you want her to have.
I remember when I was 11 or 12 my Mom got a book from the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago called "Being Born", which explained the anatomical details correctly and simply, which was informative. But, the book never explained why anyone would want to do such an undignified and silly activity or any of the emotional baggage involved, nor did my mom. I wish she had - I don't know if it could have saved me some of the grief I caused myself by not knowing enough to recognize what was happening to me emotionally, but it might have helped. (This, of course, was in the early and mid-50's - a whole other world when it comes to sex and sexuality.)
I say get some books for yourself from the library and, yes, see what Planned Parenthood has. Prepare yourself, and talk with your dd. If you don't agree with Planned Parenthood on some issues, I still think they do a great job of trying to keep young people from becoming sexually active "too soon", and literature from them that I saw when my boys were in the pre-teen stage was very good about all the reasons why NOT to become sexually active, warnings about the kinds of things other people will say or do to try to get you to have sex, and so on. You don't have to share their literature with your dd if you don't want to, but they have some good ideas and helpful ways of presenting reasons WHY NOT and warnings about what to watch out for.
I think it is really important to not lie to your children about sex and sexual activity. This is an area where you definitely don't want to lose credibility if you are to have any effect on teaching moral behavior. You can be up front that you are not really comfortable about the discussion if that's true, and certainly up front that what happens between you and your spouse is absolutely not a topic of discussion, but don't lie. Your children will talk to others and if they find out you lied, you will have lost important ground.
BTW, I have read that the average age of beginning menses in this country is now 10-1/2, so really, having this conversation now is probably not too early.
Definitely not too early. She will be hitting puberty soon! I agree you're lucky to have gone this far. When I was 8 or 9 I overheard adults talking about "putting the hot dog in the bun".  I remember thinking, "AHA! So that's how it works!" LOL! My chest start developing at 10 and I started my period at 11. That's when Mom finally had the "birds and the bees" chat but I already knew by then. Thanks partly to my big brother! LOL!
Dawn - I believe "fudge packing" refers to anal sex.
Wow..again I am surprised about the answers!! I guess I have to realize that my one and only baby is growing up. First shaving her legs and now this!! We will have a talk, there is no doubt about that. I just was trying to come up with a way to satisfy that question without lying or going into the full facts. But you all are right, even if I did come up with a way to do it, I know her and it would lead to more questions and I am sure it would be the full sex talk in the end. I was planning on having this talk about a year from now. Our elementary goes to 4th grade then they go to the middle school. I was planning on bringing it all up to her between 4th and 5th grade so she didn't hear it at school instead of from me. I guess she is just beating me to the punch. Well, wish me luck!!
Vicki, DH had to have the talk with our oldest DS when he was 9. It started with him asking what "gay" meant since he had heard the term at school. He knew how babies were born, but not made and he had never asked. We figured that he was at an age to start getting wrong information at school, so we decided just to go ahead and tell him. Make sure you use the proper terms for all of the parts. Also be sure at tell her that although the whole thing may seem gross to her at this time, that to grown-ups who love each other and are committed to each that it isn't gross. I'd also get a book that basically explains male and female anatomy. I remember at some point in elementary not understanding where my period would come from because I was oblivious to the fact I had a birth canal. Also talk about changes that will occur in her body..like that breast buds and normal vaginal discharge aren't signs of cancer (a lot of girls think this), but just a normal part of developing. Hope it all goes well. I got all of my information from sources other than my parents, so good for you having this discussion!!
Looks like it's pretty much been covered, so I'll just add that I agree, if she's asking, she's old enough to be told.
My philosophy on this has always been the better armed with TRUTHFUL, ACCURATE information and facts they are, the less likely they are to find out in undesirable ways. I'd MUCH rather my kids ask me those questions. When they were young, I told them they could ask me anything at all about sex/love/relationships, etc. and I would answer their questions, and that if I didn't know the answer myself I'd find out. The only thing that was off limits were questions about *my* personal sex life.
I started talking to mine about this stuff before they entered grammar school. Questions had been asked due to my kids hearing their young cousin make remarks, so I decided to *set the record straight* right then and there.
One thing you should realize, when they ask, and you reply, they'll pretty much only absorb as much as they are interested in knowing, or capable of understanding.
Karen, I agree with that last statement. I've started to have the talk with Nicole, 11, many times, and she tells me when she's had enough. LOL She can only stomach so much at a time. :o)
She's heard some tidbits from friends, but nothing in much detail. I need to make her really sit and listen, because she got her first period last month. I want her well informed.
I highly recommend the book It's So Amazing!. It tells everything but does it in an age appropriate way. Ds and I read the book together about 6 months ago. He's 8.5 and was asking questions and getting some info (wrong, of course) from his friends at school. So I knew it was time. He took it all in a very matter-of-fact way. He was not overwhelmed by the information and his curiousity was satisfied. I was very pleased with how our talks went.
I didn't read all the posts (I have a headache today) but at 10 years old, you have no choice but to do the whole sex talk. In 2 years or less, she will be entering puberty. Knowledge is power, and it is most important that she information comes from you.
First, let her know that she can trust you and that if she ever has any questions or wants to talk, you will ALWAYS be there for her.
Second, you want to stress to her that she needs to keep this information to herself for now. I told my son when he was 5, and he proceeded to go to the neighbor's house and tell his 4-year-old buddy all about it- but not before his mom caught him and interrupted the conversation! SO, I explained to my son that it is really up to his friends' parents as to when and how they want to educate their children about this.
Third, and this is up to you if you want to do this, but I would suggest framing the whole sex gift as a package that you open on your wedding night. Yes, this would be the abstinence speech. I told my son that sex is for an adult man and woman who are married to eachother and that he should wait until he is an adult and finds a woman with whom he wants to commit to spending the rest of his life with. (Yes, I am conservative and this is a controversial subject)
Fourth, don't pull any punches. Tell it like it is. Be mechanical at first (the basics).
But (fifth) then make sure she understands that it is a very joyful, gentle, loving, sensual experience. When my parents told me, it was because I had caught them in the act (briefly) when I was 8 and I didn't understand. I thought it would be such a painful thing that might mean a doctor would need to help.
And finish with an open door on the subject, so that once again she knows that you are available to her whenever she has questions. Otherwise, she can get the info elsewhere.
Lisa, LOL about your DS telling the neighbor's child. I had similar experiences.
My kids were informed at a younger age than many. I've always been VERY open and honest about that kind of stuff with them, and talked and talked and talked to all 4 of them. My parents were not forthcoming with info when I was young, so consequently I made some mistakes! LOL But I wanted to be sure the kids had FACTS, and those facts just ended up being introduced a little earlier than I had intended.
When they were teens, many of their friends used to come over to talk to ME - I guess they knew I'd actually TALK about it with them, and listen to their questions. Many of their parents didn't, and I was glad to do it.
But when they were younger, I would never have taken it upon myself to tell their younger friends anything. Not my job! LOL And I do remember telling them when they were 5 and 6, not to talk to other kids about it, because all kids didn't know these things *yet*.
Definitely let your kids know they can come to you with other questions whenever they want to. I honestly believe openness and facts about sex and relationships play a huge part in how kids approach each of them.
I didn't take time to read all of the above responses. I just had a quick thought on how to show her just what boys "parts" look like.
Check out a baby book from the library. One that shows how baby's are born. They usually have some illustrations of boy and girl babies. You can kind of talk her through the whole process that way.
Good luck!!! My oldest is 6, and she's only asked a couple of simple questions, but she's been satisfied with my vague answers so far!
My son (age 7) pretty much knows the whole story from sperm and egg to live birth. He was fascinated with it when he was 4 and I was pg. This summer he asked me how the sperm and egg get together and I probably goofed but I said, "I'm not ready to answer that question yet- but I will when you get older." Dh looked at me- but was no help! AGH! I'm totally not comfortable with that part. I NEVER asked my parents that. We've certainly started the morality discussions (how you treat girls, how you wait until you are married to have kids). I just don't think he needs to know the details of that just yet- because he WILL tell others what he knows! Your daughter is ready- but she will stop you when she'd "had enough." The problem with my son is he doens't stop!
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