Very awkward question
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2004:
Very awkward question
Has anyone had "problems" with their 3 - 4 year old toddlers exploring their private parts? Our 3 1/2 year old DD has recently begun to "explore" that area. I am not sure if it is because when she helps out with changing DS (12 weeks old) that she notices differences or if she might have a yeast infection from being on antibiotics. I don't know how to tell (about a yeast infection)and when I caught her "touching" herself while watching tv tonight, I freaked out and scared her to death. Now I don't know what to do. I tried to talk with her about it, but I think I scared her so bad that she doesn't want to. I just don't want her doing something like this on a playdate or out in public...I would be so freaked out. I normally post on here, but I am so freaked out by this that I am posting as anonymous. Any advice on what to do?
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There has been some talk of that before. I'm no help since I havn't BTDT but I remember prvious posts. Just look there..... and good luck! 
It's very common and normal. She is just exploring like she would any other body part, like her hands or feet. Only difference is sometimes kids realize that it feels a little better and is actually a way of soothing/comforting herself. You really don't need to overreact and scare her because that will likely cause problems later on. She is not doing anything bad...just being a typical preschooler. The best thing to do is to talk about it very matter-of-factly with her and tell her that touching her private parts is a private thing and she shouldn't do it in public. Don't shame her...talk about it the same way you would talk about any other "bad habit" such as picking her nose. If you do a search there have been other posts on this subject.
it's normal, and you just need to explain that it's OK, just not in front of other people. What she's doing, and I know this is not something a lot of parents like to think about, is discovering her sexuality. She's realized that it feels good, a lot of parents never see their kids doing this, but a lot do. Just tell her it's something she needs to do in private, and if she asks why, tell her it's inappropriate(sp?) to do in public. That should be the end of it. I had to do this with a 3 year old I babysat, he'd "hump" the stuffed animals in front of anyone, it was disturbing, but once I explained it, he was fine.
To echo others.... Totally normal! Here's a good article taken from ParentCenter.com.
Why toddlers masturbate
Toddlers masturbate for the same reason that older children (and adults) do: It feels good! Bodily exploration is part of growing up. Right now, your child is learning to run, jump, throw, pump a swing, draw, and (possibly) use the toilet. She's likely to be just as curious about her genitals as she is about her fingers, toes, and belly button — and if she's recently switched from diapers to underpants, she may be able to get to them for the first time. "When parents see this kind of exploration, they wonder, 'Is this normal?'" says Meg Zweiback, a nurse practitioner and family consultant in Oakland, Calif. "The answer is yes, it's normal. You don't need to be concerned about it."
What to do about masturbation
Don't panic. Although the idea of your toddler touching her genitals may make you uncomfortable, remind yourself that masturbation is a completely normal thing to do. It won't cause any physical ills, pose any health risks, or turn your child into a sex maniac. Masturbation in toddlers isn't sexual (as it is for adults) because toddlers don't know what sex is. And while explicit sex play in older children is often a tip-off to sexual abuse or exposure to inappropriate sexual material, this is unlikely to be the case with toddlers, who don't yet possess the imaginative skills for this kind of role adoption. (A toddler who's been sexually abused is more likely to become withdrawn or suddenly have trouble sleeping than she is to start compulsively masturbating.) That said, a toddler masturbates because the feelings it brings can be as pleasurable for her as they are for an adult. "A toddler may even masturbate to orgasm," says Zweiback, "complete with panting, red face, and a big sigh at the end. But it's absolutely not something to be worried about."
Ignore it. You may have already told your 2-year-old that some parts of her body are private, and that no one but her, her parents, and her doctor may touch them. Many parents attempt to explain privacy during the toddler years as a way to head off sexual abuse, and it seems logical to extend this concept to masturbation. You might suggest to your toddler, for instance, that touching herself is something best done behind closed doors. Unfortunately, this message may not sink in. "Privacy means nothing to a child before the age of about 3 — it's just not a meaningful concept," Zweiback explains. And, she adds, "A toddler by nature is looking to push buttons — so if you start drawing attention to this behavior, you'll probably just cause her to do it more." Your best bet, then, is simply to look the other way.
Distract her. Even though you know that it's normal and that lots of kids do it, you'll probably still be embarrassed if your toddler starts touching herself in front of company. If you can't ignore the behavior or laugh it off, try to distract her. To a child this age, masturbation is a lot like picking her nose — she does it because it's there, because she's bored, and because her hands are free. If your toddler's fingers start to stray at inopportune moments (in front of your in-laws, for example), give her a distracting plaything (such as a squeaky toy) or invite her to do a puzzle, play with blocks, or toss a ball around — anything that keeps her hands out of her pants.
Look to yourself. Believe it or not, your own reaction to masturbation may pose the greatest danger to your child's psyche. If she's made to feel guilty for exploring her body or told that what she's doing is dirty, naughty, or disgusting, she may forever associate sexual or pleasurable feelings with guilt and shame. "If you're really bothered by masturbation," Zweiback says, "it says more about what you learned growing up than it does about your toddler. Lots of people grow up with conflicting feelings about sex, and finding a place where you can talk these feelings through with other adults will help you handle these issues now and in the future."
My ds constantly has a hold of his privates. He hits it, my dh cringes everytime.
When my ds first discovered that area I just explained to him that, that is a private area and if he feels like he needs to explore it then he needs to do it in the bathroom or in his room with the door closed. I will do the same with dd when the time comes.
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