There is a girl in my dd's class that lives down the road. At first the two were good friends but after a few weeks this girl started to be very nasty to my dd. She tries to get her in trouble and when she was over our house and my dd would ask for something that i say no to, this girl would whisper for her to beg! Now begging is not tolerated in my house and then they would argue, I could hear the whole thing and it made me angry. Well lately this girl has been calling my dd names and spreading rumors at school. My dd has come home very upset a few times. Well now that my dd is having a bday party this girl is begging ashley to invite her, even though she had hers a few weeks ago and invited EVERYONE in the class but my dd! And this was devastating to her. My dd says she wants to invite her so that she will not feel left out. That makes me feel bad cuz my dd is a very loving girl who likes everyone. I don't want this girl here at all. She will pair up with other girls and i will not allow my dd to feel left out at her own bday party. Help!!!!!

By Texannie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 05:29 pm:

It is so hard when our baby's are hurt. Our momma bear instincts kick right in!! How wonderfully empathetic your daughter is. She knows how hurt she felt, and she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings like that.
You do have the right to control that child's behavior in your own home. "Begging is not allowed in this house, but you may do X" A gentle "perhaps it's time for the play date to end, you both seem to be arguing so much" can give your daughter a nice out if needed or lots of times they work it out.
If it were me, and I have a 10 year old daughter who has been in many similar situations, I would invite the child to the party. Watch how she acts and make sure that there are group activities. If you see pairing up, just gently steer the children to another activity.
I would also encourage your daughter to invite other girls over for play dates. Also talk to your daughter about how true friends make you feel good when you are around them.

By Amecmom on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 05:56 pm:

It's a no win situation. If you don't invite her, she sounds like the kind of child who will whine and complain to the other girls about how mean your daughter is, and try to turn them against her.
Did any of her friends ask why she wasn't at the other girl's birthday? Did any of the other girls ask the other girl why your daughter was not there?
If you do invite her, she will feel like she can step all over your daughter and your daughter will take it. This girl sounds troubled.
I wish I had some advice for you, but I just have hope that you'll figure out what to do and that your daughter's party will be fun for her and the other girls.
Ame

By Debbie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 08:27 pm:

If your daughter wants to invite her, then I would. However, I would keep a close eye on her. It is so hard when our children our hurt, we just want to protect them. It says a lot about your daughter that she wants to invite her. I like Texannie's suggestion about encouraging play dates with new friends.

In our old neighborhood, the little girl that lived across the street loved to come over and play with my ds. In the beginning she would do things that I just don't allow in my house. I just nicely told her that we didn't do that and when she was at our house I expected her to follow the house rules. I also didn't hesitate on a few occassions to end their playdate when she was fighting a lot or encouraging my ds to do things that he wasn't suppose to. She got the hint quickly and started following our rules since she liked to play with ds.

By Bobbie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 08:47 pm:

I think you should follow your DD's lead with this one. She is the one that will have to face the girl at school. If she wants her to come just make sure you discuss with DD what could possibly happen. And sometimes I think it is best to face situations like this head on instead of avoiding them. If she can shrug off the girls words and actions in the long run it will be her that is the stronger person for it. People only mess with you if they are getting reaction from you. If you don't play along with them after a while they get tired of playing... Big hugs to your DD it is sad that in this day and age bulling is still going on and that our children have to face situations like this. And I am sad for this little girl that she has so much hate in her that she would feel she has to do this. People that act like this are usually hurting inside and they take out their pain (short comings) on other people.

By Bobbie on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 09:00 pm:

And another thought.... Kill her with kindness. DD 14, had this girl in choir that would mess with her. Stood behind her on the risers and would put her knee in DD's back, push forward on her, say nasty things to and about her. DD was so upset by these actions but didn't want to get the school involved because that can mean more trouble. So after weeks and weeks of taking it I told her to go up to the girl, tell her, "So and so, I love you." and give her a big hug. She did this and the girl and her have become the best of friends. She took DD's being quiet as my dd thinking she was better than her, snobby. But now she knows it is just the way DD is. Talk to her she talks a blue streak wait for her to talk and you will be waiting a life time. But if dd had just took it it would have continued. I know the hug probably wouldn't work. But maybe if you help DD see that DF is the one with the problem and that her actions aren't because of your DD they are because of her own issues and pain and that she is taking them out on DD. In my DD's case it helped because instead of fearing or avoiding the issues she felt sorry for the issues and didn't take the things done and said so personally. And maybe, you help her come up with some cute little come backs. Oh I am sorry you feel that way. Poor you for thinking that way. I am not perfect but I am perfectly me(with a smile on her face). Turn it around on her a bit maybe she will get the hint that your DD is a nice girl and that she isn't going to take that away from her. Not making your daughter into the girl but teaching her some empathy and how to deal with these types of situations head on. Best of luck. Who knew being a mom would be so painful???

By Coopaveryben on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 09:03 pm:

That is so difficult, part of me wants to say I would invite her because it is a great oppurtunity to teach your daughter how to treat others and on the other hand how do you teach your children they don't have to be around toxic people? As an adult I am just now figuring out that I should be nice but I don't have to be friends with everyone, some people just make you feel horrible. I think if this girl does come she will probably get the other girls to gang up or try to take control of the party. I don't know how you were planning on doing the party but maybe you could invite some people to come until whatever time and let her choose a few close friends to stay the night.....this is such a hard call.

By Sue3 on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 08:07 am:

My 2 DD`s have had their share of issue`s with friends also.
All I know is that it is not fun.
I agree with Texannie and what Bobbie had to say.
Good luck and keep us posted .

By Texannie on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 10:44 am:

Little girls can be so awful sometimes (mine included). I never had this kinds of yip yip issues with my son and his friends.

By Momaroze on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 11:22 am:

Ditto Chrissy.

By Ladypeacek on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 05:16 pm:

Well we have not made a final decision yet about the invite. We talked about what fair weather friends were though and how it hurts. I do believe my final decision will to be not it invite her. I want my daughter to be surrounded with positive people in her life and this girl brings her down. This weekend she really crossed a line when she told my dd that this little boy liked her and wanted to kiss her, my dd said yuck and this girl told her that if she didn't kiss him she would tell everyone what a fraidy cat she was. Well i just can't have my 8 year old thinking she has to kiss boys. I don't want her to think about boys until she is 35, lol! Thank goodness my dd told me instead of kissing him. I think it may time for a talk with mom!

By Ginny~moderator on Saturday, May 1, 2004 - 07:41 pm:

Seems to me you have a really nice daughter. She says she wants to invite the other girl so tht she doesn't feel left out - even after Ashley was left out of the other party. I think you should support your daughter in her wish to be kind, but have a talk with her so that she isn't disappointed when the other girl doesn't change her behavior (and she won't - even if you have a talk with Mom). Ashley is young enough to be easily hurt but thanks to some good parenting is apparently old enough that she is not easily led by peer pressure - kudos to you, because that is a very difficult issue.

If Ashley understands that her being kind won't change the other girl, then she is probably going to be alright, though you can expect some frustrations and unhappinesses. I think what she is showing is what probably has been modeled for her - that you don't let other people's behavior control the kind of person you are and the way you behave - and that is a really good way to be.

(As for the talk with Mom, I suspect Mom is very much aware of the way her daughter behaves - this kind of thing is picked up from what is seen and tolerated at home, sadly. Talking with Mom may not help, and you should probably think out what you want to say ahead of time so that Mom doesn't decide to act just like her daughter towards you.)

By Kathym on Monday, May 3, 2004 - 11:21 am:

I had almost the same thing happen recently. Middle dd has been friends with this girl for about 2 years and both she and my dd have strong personalities (meaning they sometimes get along famously, other times not) but this girl can be very sneaky and spiteful. Anyway a few weeks ago she started treating dd pretty badly and I told my dd just to stay away until she behaved in a way that was more respectful. Well this girl always makes a big deal of who is and isn't invited to her bday party...she first told dd she was invited and then came to school and said she was not invited because her mother said Jillian was mean! Made a huge deal of it, asked other girls to ask dd if she was invited, etc. Usually dd lets stuff roll off her back but said "mommy it was all I could do not to cry." My heart broke. We have to deal with this girl for at least the rest of the school year and her dad is dd's softball coach so we had a huge discussion of fair weather friends, the golden rule, etc. I have never come so close to calling another parent about something like this. DD is now handling it pretty well...has decided this girl can be a casual friend but not one "you give your heart to." She will not be invited to dd's party...not to be spiteful but because her behavior is not acceptable to me. DD has plenty of nice friends but what a hard lesson to learn at 8.

By Missy3 on Tuesday, May 4, 2004 - 03:54 pm:

i did not read any of the posts except the initial one. I have the same problem with my child. I would tell DD she does not want to be treated like that and will make a stand for yourself by not inviting the girl. She does not deserve to be your DD friend. First have DD talk to her and let her know she is hurting her feelings and she has heard everything the girl has been saying behind her back, even the rumors and she does not like it and does not want to be her friend anymore. Maybe the girl has a reason (a bad one) for doing this, but it usually is jealousy of some sort. The other girls is getting some sort of satisfaction from dissing your DD. To make your DD strong have her face the girl and then make a decision she can live with and not one based on lies and what ifs......