I have not told anyone outside of my family about this but i feel like you guys are family and i feel so bad about this right now i don't know what to do...this may get long!

My dd's dad had always lived down the street from us and he was a very good father especially for being out side the home! he came over almost every day, paid his child support, and really went out of his way to take good care of her.
When my dd was 6 he moved back to south carolin to help out his twin brother get his life back together. They were both devastated, needless to say. But i told him that i would let her come and spend part of the summer with him each year and spring break...and i even said i would bring her and pick her up because he was having money problems and a car that was unreliable.
Well the first summer came a few months later and when we were on the phone making arrangements he told me that he was getting married. He met her at church...good..and she had 2 kids of her own...okay. No problem, my dd was gonna have some kids her age to play with..wonderful!
Well i was wrong. I talked to her almost everyday and she sounded like she was having a good time..i was so glad for her.
6 weeks later he dropped her off at my mothers house, i was at work, and took off. My mom calls me at work crying and told me to get home now. I was frantic..had no idea why but it made my mom cry so it had to be bad. When i got there my dd's back, bum, and stomach was completely black. My mom did not see it till after he left and my dd showed her.
I could not believe it!! I was so scared and mad and sad all at once. We asked her what happened and this is what she told us...

As i have posted before my dd is a very picky eater, always has been. Well she was given 15 minutes each meal to eat it all, many food she didn't like, for each minute after 15 she was hit with a big piece of wood outside. She said the only meal she ever ate in time was spaghetti so she got hit alot. Atleast 10 to 20 times a day! They hit her on her bum, her back, and her stomach and after each time they put her in a hot bath. She said they told her this was god's punishment for children who did not follow rules. My dd said she didn't tell me cuz at first she believed them.

Well i have a court order that says he can not have any contact with her ever, we went through social services, i was even investigated at first.

They said she didn't need counseling from a therapist because she was very smart and knew what happened and was dealing very good but i may want our preacher talk to her about the bible and god. Which we did. I think thats why today she has put so much into church.

Well she has stated that she NEVER wants to see him again and of course who could blame her? His wife who did the actual hitting (never her father) is in jail for 25 years for assault and battery of a minor. My dd's father was not put in jail but can never see her again. Even though he did not hit her, he allowed it which makes him worse because she was HIS responsibility!

My problem...yesterday when we were cleaning she came across her soccer pics and one of them had her with her dad. I asked if her if she wanted to keep it or throw it out and she kept it and took it in her room and put it in her jewelry box. I felt so bad, i had no idea what to say or if i should say anything. Its been 2 years and i wonder what she is feeling and thinking. Any suggestion????

By Texannie on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 10:32 am:

Maybe find a snuggle opportunity and say to her "how did it make you feel to come across that picture of your dad?" and see how it goes from there.

By Trina~moderator on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 10:55 am:

Poor kid. I can only imagine what must be going through her head. Many {{{HUGS}}} and prayers coming your way. I think you did the right thing and are handling the situation well, but I also think counseling will help your DD cope with this better.

By Emily7 on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:20 am:

The problem is that I am sure even though her dad allowed this to happen, I am sure she loves him. Even though we all may feel like he should be beaten with a stick, she probably feels very confused about her feelings toward him. She does need counseling, because right now she is feeling like its her fault. She wasn't good enough & now she can't see her Dad. Something that helped me deal with the abuse I went through was to write a letter telling him what he did to me, how it made me feel, & how it affected me. However I was 18 when I was able to write that letter. I also wrote one to my Grandma explaining how her staying with him made me feel.
Give your daughter a huge hug for me. Its normal for her to want to see him and I am sure when she gets older she will seek him out. Either for closure or a relationship, just don't make her feel like it is wrong.
Your dd story reminds me of somethin Dave Pelzer would have gone through. Have you read those books? They may help you understand what she is going through.

By Rayanne on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:37 am:

(((((HUGS)))))

I feel for her. I agree with Annie. Some snuggle time sounds good.

By Ladypeacek on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:40 am:

I read those books, and they scared me to death. My dd really knows it was his fault and not hers but she is very forgiving. I know that one day she will want to see him but i am a little scared for her to ask that right now for one reason..she is still too young to protect herself. The wife is gone so she most likely would not get hit again BUT now i worry about the next girlfriend or wife, what will he allow? I can know that it wasn't my fault this happened even though i still feel guilty but if i were to let her go again and something happened...well that is my fault! I am hoping that she will wait till she is a little older to see him. She doesn't know that she CAN'T see her dad, i never told her that. As far as she is concerned she has the option of seeing him anytime she likes. If she mentions it now, i will probably tell her to start off with phone calls and letters for a while first.

By Melanie on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:47 am:

My heart just aches for your little girl. I also agree with Annie about the snuggle time and I definitely agree about the counseling. Even if she did process it as well as a six year old could, this is something that will be with her forever. Counseling would be a good thing for her.

((((HUGS))))

By Texannie on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:53 am:

You need to talk to her. It could be something big or it could just be curiosity. My kids are adopted. When my son was around 8 or so, he really wanted a letter and some pictures from his birth mother. We wrote to her and she wrote back. He read the letter, took the picture and that was really it. It satisfied whatever need he had. We talk periodically, and he knows we are in contact with her, but he has never shown any interest since then. Maybe it's something deeper, or maybe she just wanted a picture. But you do need to talk and make sure that she knows she can talk to you.

By Amecmom on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 11:56 am:

What a brave and smart little girl. I'm sure you're very proud of her. See how she acts over the next few days before you bring it up. She may be coping with this very well in her own way. If not, then snuggle, as Annie said. I think that if she expresses that she really wants to see her dad, then you and your husband might want to talk over having a supervised meeting (when you get back to the states). This way she can see him, have some closure, and you can feel secure that he can't hurt her.
All of that presupposes that you want them to have any contact at all.
Counseling is an option, if you feel she would benefit from it. Find somebody really good though, because a bad counselor can just make things worse.
I really feel for you and your daughter. What a terrible thing to have to go through! But wow, what a strong little girl you've raised!
My prayers are with you.
Ame

By Conni on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 07:06 pm:

I am really sorry your little girl went thru this.

So glad she is in such a loving environment now.
Very glad the lady who did this is behnd bars!

By Dawnk777 on Monday, April 26, 2004 - 09:30 pm:

I'm so sorry your daughter had to endure this. I just don't know what goes through people's minds when they beat little kids.

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 12:24 am:

I have to add something about the aftermath of this...I owe all my dd's wonderful recovery to my dh! We were not married yet when this happened. When i went to work each day my dd stayed with my mother and he would go over there and get her and take her to the parks to help her with her soccer, then they would go get something to eat together and he would bring her to the hospital to see me on my break. And every night when he brought her back to my moms he sat beside her bed till she fell asleep. My dd loves him and calls him dad now. She has even asked about changing her last name to his and we are working on it. I think that he got her through this. She came home and had that male figure still that loved her and proved that there are good dads!

By Emily7 on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 01:03 am:

You got one of the good ones! My adopted Dad made up delivery room stories about us girls. He never treated us different than he did my brother. It takes a special person to raise another persons child.

By Tink on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 01:16 am:

My "step"dad did the same thing! "Well, when you were born, I was..." I am the only one of 3 that is his, biologically. I never felt any different because I was never treated any differently. He was always there for me and is now there for my kids. Seth is definitely Poppa's boy! Your dh is a wonderful man and your dd is blessed to have him. At some point she may forget this for short periods of time, but she will know that he is there for her when she needs him. This, hopefully, will help her in the future to not have the problems so often associated with girls that have gone through similar issues. My prayers for wisdom are with you and prayers for your daughter, also.

By Ladypeacek on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 07:28 am:

Well, i asked my dd if she wanted to talk about her dad since she saw the pic. She said no she just wanted it to remember some of the good times. I asked if she felt bad or needed to talk to him. She said one day but not yet. She told me it will take more than 2 years for her to know that he understands what he did to her. That broke my heart! She sounded so grown up. She asked me if he still paid child support!! I didn't even know she knew about things like that, we never talk about it, it just goes in my account. I told her yes and she said that was good and maybe he was trying to be good again. I think she will be okay, she prays for him, which i also did not know but i think thats a good thing. thanks for listening to all this!!

By Dawnk777 on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 07:46 am:

She sounds wise beyond her years.

By Colette on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 08:49 am:

Poor baby, God bless you both.

By Robyn on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 09:23 am:

What a sweet girl!

By Emily7 on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 10:10 am:

That is such a sweet & sad thing. It sounds like you have a very caring & loving family.

By Dana on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 - 07:23 pm:

Hugs to both. So sorry you both had to go thru this. She sounds like a wonderful, grownup, little girl.

By Bobbie on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 12:10 am:

Man how sad. Good job... Just keep the lines of communication open. That is very important..

By Ginny~moderator on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 03:53 am:

Obviously, Kenna, you are raising a remarkably fine young woman. Kudos to her and to you.

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 - 12:29 am:

The lines of communication are open, and that's what means the most to little kids who have been victimized; she knows that if she ever wants to talk, she can count on you or your husband to listen and support her.

In the future, if or when she decides to see him, she will want for him to be remorseful and to sincerely ask her for forgiveness. If he doesn't show any remorse, she will just need to accept that she can't have him as daddy ever again, and it will be with her from then on.

It is a part of who she is, like a scar from a burn, and she can either accept it as a part of herself, or she can hate it and be miserable. At his point, she accepts it. Watch out for her as she matures and comes to understand more about the real world. She may not be so easy on him in the future. Take her temperature once a year or so- check in with her to see if she still thinks about him and if she still prays for him. See if her mind is still open to the possibility that he might be trying to be a better person. You wouldn't want her to close her mind to that.

My son was victimized last year. I have talked with church family and counselors. This is what I have gained from a lot of soul-searching in the past few months.