Another view on crying it out....
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2004:
Another view on crying it out....
Since I've seen a lot of questions lately about crying it out, I was hoping that you wouldn't mind if I posted an article referring to the "other" side of the issue. I know that a lot of moms think that it's the easiest way to get their child into a better sleeping pattern at night, but is it really worth the "convienience" for parents? Parenting isn't easy....we all know that lol....and I just feel that sometimes taking the easy way out isn't always the best solution. I know that this will probably be met with retaliating views as some won't agree with it....but that's ok because I don't agree with crying it out either ;) Hopefully we can just agree to disagree and see this for what it is...the other side of the issue.
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Harvard Researchers Say Children Need Touching and Attention
by Alvin Powell,
Contributing Writer, Harvard Gazette
America's "let them cry" attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.
Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael Commons and Patrice Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.
The pair examined child-rearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds - even separate rooms - and not responding to their cries may lead to more incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders among American adults.
The early stress due to separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.
"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're sensitive to future trauma."
Their work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.
"It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report," Figley said. "It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children's emotional response and their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress."
Figley said their work illuminates a route of further study and could have implications for everything from parents' efforts to intellectually stimulate infants to painful practices such as circumcision.
Commons has been a lecturer and research associate at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry since 1987 and is a member of the Department's Program in Psychiatry and the Law.
Miller has been a research associate at Harvard Medical School's Program in Psychiatry and the Law since 1994 and an assistant professor of psychology at Salem State College since 1993. She received master's and doctorate degrees in education from Harvard's Graduate School of Education.
The pair say that American child-rearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But parents are on the wrong track. Physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure when they finally head out on their own and make them better able to form their own adult relationships.
"We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects," Miller said.
The two gained the spotlight in February when they presented their ideas at the American Association for the Advancement of Science's annual meeting in Philadelphia.
In a paper presented at the meeting, Commons and Miller contrasted American child-rearing practices with those of other cultures, particularly the Gusii tribe of Kenya. Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries.
"Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying," Commons and Miller said in their paper on the subject.
The way we are brought up colors our entire society, Commons and Miller say. Americans in general don't like to be touched and pride themselves on independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or stressful time.
Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller said she believes many parents "cheat," keeping the baby in the room with them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she believes many find their way into their parents' room on their own.
American parents shouldn't worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.
"There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma," Commons said. "My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks."
Besides fears of dependence, other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents' room and doctors' concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if it shared their bed, the pair said. The nation's growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.
The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.
"I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children," Commons said. "Punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people."
This is a very good article and this will explain a lot of reasons why I will not use the CIO method with any of my children.
Sorry, I don't agree. I let my children cry it out to a certain point and they turned out just fine.My DD have no fear of bed and they are very loving and don't have any last effects from letting them cry it out. As a daycare provider it's not easy to rock each child and I can't lay down with them. I do go in every so often and comfort them and try something else to see what works but, children also know how to manipulate you at an early age and they do it in throwing fits and stalling at bed time.
Just for fun, I did a search on Amazon.com for parenting books. I got 40897 results (Melanie and other Love and Logic readers will be happy to know it was one of the top picks  ). There has been so much written about raising children, it's hard to know what you should or shouldn't do. Parents need to find their own way. I would hope that this article would encourage new parents (and seasoned veterans) to go against "conventional wisdom" and not feel as if they are "cheating" or doing something wrong by responding to their baby's cry. I also hope that any who read this article realize that there are few hard and fast rules when it comes to child-rearing.
I think I have stated here before my views on CIO for infants, and this article only enforces my beliefs.
I disagree as well. All of my kids have done the CIO method and they are all very well adjusted and have no doubt they are loved. They don't even remember the CIO stages.
Ditto Babysitbarb.
I just recently had to let my 10 mo dd CIO. If I didn't, i would be in the looney bin right now. She was relying on us to get her to sleep, therefore, she was not getting the sleep she needed. When i let her CIO, she cried for 10 min., slept through the night and then took two long naps the next day. I, in turn, got my sanity back!
Interesting article but I feel it is a little over the top.
I never let my oldest cry it out, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I always read and was told things in classes like this article says and thought he would suffer later consequences or be a tramatized child and adult if he had to cry a little. As a result I have a 6 year old who STILL doesn't sleep through the nights. I rocked him to sleep every night, sometimes for over two hours. Talk about frustrating...I needed a break. I don't think it was fair to him either, he may have felt a lot better if he were able to get an entire nights rest by being able to soothe himself back to sleep when he woke in the night. I know I sure would have felt a lot better, heck I haven't slept through the night but 2 times in 6 years. My youngest DS had to CIO because I was out of arms, I would let him cry for 5 minutes and one of us would go in and lay him back down, kiss him, and tell him "good night". He goes to sleep so nice, he is the most loving and laid back out of all three. Do I think he is like this because he has CIO? No, but it didn't tramatize him like I thought it would either.
If I could go back, I would have let my oldest and middle CIO a little more.
Interesting article, I don't have time to read it word for word....just skimmed it, but does it mention an age anywhere??? To me, there is HUGE difference in letting an infant CIO as opposed to a little one who is 10 months or older.
I agree, Vicki. When my kids were newborn to a few months old, I did pretty much get them whenever they cried. There did come a point, though, (6 mos. maybe? It was so long ago, I forget)when I would let let them cio. I would sometimes go in after about 10 min. just to kiss them and tell them to go to sleep, but I DID NOT PICK THEM UP! It didn't take long for them to learn to get themselves back to sleep.
First off, I don't think CIO is necessarily "taking the easy way out." Second off, I think the flaw in the article is that CIO isn't "having their babies cry unnecessarily." In fact I would argue it's the OPPOSITE. If your baby crys 1-2 hours the first night, then 30-45 mins the second night, then 15 min or so the third night, that really isn't very much crying. However, if your child doesn't get used to going to sleep and frequently wakes up crying at night over a few years time, that is A LOT of crying. Even though it's a few minutes or so, over the months and years it adds up. In other words CIO=less crying over time. Just a thought. This is really one of those topics where no one is going to change anyones mind, and luckily I think the kids turn out ok in either case.
One other thing. In other cultures it is more common for whole families to sleep together. My co-worker from India said she and her sister and brother still share a bed when she goes back to India to visit, and she's 30, her sister's 25 (and married) and her brother is 19. On the other hand, they have a completely different culture, and I don't think we want to switch to their ways necessarily. Their families are way closer than Americans would ever want. The parents arrange marriages, they are very involved in their childrens lives even after marriage, married couples live with their inlaws, etc. So I don't think we have to emulate everything people do in other countries if it doesn't work here. Just my humble opinion.
Ds is still in bed with us at 31/2......I absolutely love it! He is so soft and warm and cuddly.....he started sleeping through the night at about 21/2.....
We tried CIO at about 11 months.... he cried til he puked 2 nights in a row...and we decided it wasn't worth it...
With the new baby coming..Eliah will sleep with his dad and me and the new baby will sleep in Eliah's room......
I think it is really a personal choice. But I do believe that north americans are a lot more detached from their families and maybe seperate sleeping could have a hand in it...who knows...
fiona
I'm still toying around with the CIO thing, I hate it though, and some night dd sleeps with us, some nights she doesn't, it all depends on her mood. I know when she's older, I won't hesitate to let her climb into bed with us if she feels the need to, I love to watch her sleep anyway. She slept with me for the first three months before DH got out of basic training, and I sometimes pull her into bed with us, she's so cute cuddled up to my tummy, and she tends to sleep through the night better when in bed with me anyway, I agree with fiona, it's whatever you're comfortable with, I don't think it has that much of an effect on a child one way or the other as an adult. BUT, I'm now having a problem getting her to sleep on her own, CIO doesn't work, and neither does anythig else, refer to the post entitled HELLLPPP!! lol.
If you are interested in other alternatives to CIO - check out "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. Also, for methodologies between no-cry and Ferber - check out www.sleeplady.com
LOL
Also, here is a link to a good article that is against CIO:
http://www.nospank.net/fleiss.htm
Let me add that this is a very personal decision and I think each family should make an educated decision on what is best for them. :0)
I agreee. The CIO method is very individual, from the decision to try it, down to the particulars of what age and how long to allow the baby to cry.
My son had been sleeping through the night by 4 months, and then all of a sudden was waking several time a night. We couldn't get him to sleep, untill he finally just passed out from being so tired. His Dr. suggested that we let him CIO. It was NOT easy. It was one of the MOST BRUTAL things I have had to endure as a parent! After several nights, I took him back to the Dr. and begged them to do a CBC. Sure enough, my son's white count was high. Within two nights of the antibiotic, he was sleeping through again.
Of course, he now depended on us to get him to sleep. Once he was through with the antibiotic, we started him on the CIO again. In less than a week, he had learned to go to sleep on his own. It seems we had been keeping him awake by our presence.
I hated doing it, my husband and I sat and listened to every sob on the baby monitor, but it was worth it. He has no trouble going to sleep on his own, and we are not his transitional objects. He is well rested and seems very well adjusted and confident, (though a tiny bit naughty - as most toddlers are).
The bottom line is that you have to know your baby and figure out what's right for him or her.
Ame
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