Do you ever feel like a mean mom?
Moms View Message Board: Parenting Discussion: Archive January-June 2004:
Do you ever feel like a mean mom?
Lately it seems as if I am a mean mom. I am constantly on my kids for something. I don't require that much of them, but they don't do the few things that I do require.
They are supposed to have their bedroom all cleaned up before school. I have to tell them about a dozen times, and then finally I have to yell at them to get the task accomplished. As soon as I yell, it's done within 10 minutes. I'm so sick of saying "clean your room" a million times a day. It makes me so mad that they don't listen. They probably think I'm the meanest mom in the world 
I'm not that particular about how "clean" it is. As long as they do their best. I don't care if the covers are crooked on the beds, or the books are stacked out of order, or the barbie stuff is mixed with the dollhouse stuff. As long as it's all picked up. Why can't they just do it like they know they are supposed to?
Lately they have just not been listening to ANYTHING. I tell them "no" and they keep doing the same thing over and over and over. I am about at the end of my rope.
I am fairly laid back, and I don't run a tight ship. I just expect respect and I expect them to do what they are told to do.
AHHHHHH.........I just want to scream.
lol, I don't know about that part yet, my daughter is only six months old, but my siblings and I were JUST like that, worse even! I would try telling them once, and then if they don't do it, just let it pile up till the weekend, and then tell them they can't go outside and play, or have phone calls, or anything else fun they like to do, they stay in their rooms untill it's done, I think after a couple of weekends of this, they might get the message, and no afterschool play till it's done either. Hope this helps.
You should hear it at my house. It finally took Nate putting the kids in separate corners for time out to get any dicipline in our house. We were doing time out on the couch and taking toys away but the twins would play with each other in time out. The kids would just walk all over me, but they are starting to listen now. I want to cry when I have to yell at them and punish them, but I guess it's a necessary evil. I do get tired of yelling over and over again. It's become the running joke when we yell at them that we are such mean, awful parents. I'm sure the kids will tell us so one day!
Oh my. Mean mom. Well, I remember one of my #2 son's little friends, at about age 5, coming to the back door and saying, "Greg says you are a mean mom. Are you?" To which I responded "yes".
Being a "mean mom" is part of being a mom. And yes, it gets boring, frustrating, and you feel like you're on a treadmill.
Wish I knew some way around it, but I don't think there is one. You, as a parent, are quite properly trying to raise children who will become responsible people. Because becoming a responsible person takes more work and is less fun than being irresponsible, your children are balking. Welcome to the club of parents.
Some suggestions. Don't yell, unless you are doing it just to be heard (from the first floor to the second floor). Yelling is actually easier to shut out from listening than a normal or somewhat lowered tone of voice.
Consequences: I am tired of telling you 5-10 times a morning to pick up your room before you leave for school. Obviously I am not going to keep you home from school if you don't pick up your room. But, when you get home from school you will (1) pick up your room before you do anything else and (2) spend (10 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever time - mom's pick) sitting on a chair in whatever room I am in, doing nothing but sitting there and thinking about how boring it is to just sit there because you didn't pick up your room that morning, before you are allowed to do anything else (and mom, that includes homework, soccer practice, piano lessons, or whatever, and even if a friend accompanies your child home from school).
You tell them "no" and they still do it? What are the consequences, other than your telling them "no" again? There should be consequences - prompt and consistent. You want to turn on the TV, I say no, you turn on the TV - OK, I turn it off and you sit on a chair doing nothing for X minutes, and you are not allowed to watch whatever program you are normally allowed to watch today, for the next X days - mom's choice. You want some cookies and I say no - you take the cookies - OK, I don't buy cookies the next time I go to the grocery store; or, I buy cookies but put them where they are much harder to reach and you don't get any when your siblings do; or, you took cookies after I said no and in consequence we don't go to McDonalds or wherever on a day when we usually do; or some consequence that takes away some treat that is a normal part of life.
Caution: don't threaten (promise) unless you are going to do it, every time. Better to not discipline than to be inconsistent, imo. Kids need to know what to expect - it provides security. Even knowing that certain behavior will produce certain consequences is more secure than not knowing what behavior will produce what reaction. Use threats/promises carefully - don't overdo. Pick the behaviors (1 - 3 things) that frustrate you the most and concentrate on them. See if there are alternatives you can live with in terms of changing your child's behavior, some kind of compromise. Then, warn, clearly, without yelling, without sounding threatening: When you do/don't whatever, I get frustrated because you know you are supposed to, supposed to not whatever. From now on, when you do/don't, this is what will happen. No discussion, no argument, and crying won't make a difference. This is what will happen. So if you don't want this to happen, you know what you have to do/stop doing.
You have to gauge your child's ability to understand and associate consequences with the behavior that produced the consequence. And you have to think through whether the behavior you are expecting is reasonable to expect from your child's age and level of maturity. If it isn't, see if you can find a way around it. For example, put the cookies where your 4 year old child can't reach them, rather than in a jar on the kitchen counter; expecting a 4 year old to ignore cookies within reach is not, imo, particularly reasonable. If your child is 7 or 8, that's another story.
Think it through, think what frustrates you the most, pick your priorities and your battles. Think about what kinds of consequences are most likely to have the most effect on your child. And, to repeat myself, be consistent, don't yell.
Finally, when my kids used to say Why do I have to/why can't I, my response was "because I'm a mean mother". This did a couple of things - it took the sting out of it because I said it first. It left my children with two choices - agree with me that I'm a mean mom (but I'd already said it so it took the sting out) or tell me, no you're not. Poor boys - I took some of their best ammunition away from them. Then, if he said "I don't love you", I said, you don't have to love me, you just have to do what I told you to do and be respectful. Oh dear, another bullet gone. And so on. If you don't let them see they are upsetting you when they say such things, they will say them less often. Those phrases are manipulative tools, and if they don't work, kids don't use them. Believe me, they don't really understand how much "I don't love you" or "You don't love me" hurts - it takes an adult to know that. But they do understand if it produces a reaction from mom - that's the manipulation. It's not that your child wants to hurt you, it's that s/he wants his/her own way and this seems like something worth trying. If it does't work, they pretty much stop trying it.
And finally finally - this too shall pass. Look ahead to the joy of spoiling your grandchildren and letting their parents (your children) deal with children who don't listen and who do what they shouldn't and don't do what they should - while you sit back and say "oh yeah - BTDT - have fun".
Oh, and scream away - just don't let them hear you. Sort of like "don't let them see you sweat".
But, when they get used to a calm, non-yelling, consistent mom, once in a while a scream is really, really effective. It gets their attention.
I tried reallly hard to be calm, non-ruffable, consistent. But once in a while I just exploded with frustration and yelling - and you should have seen them scurry around like crazy, picking things up, putting them away, getting together in one of their bedrooms and muttering to each other trying to figure out how they could calm mom down and end the storm. I didn't do it very often, which was why it produced that effect. I look back and remember, and grin.
Man i feel that way all the time too. My dd is 8 and getting her to do those small things drives me nuts. I do ask for much either, brush teeth, wash hands, flush the toilet, turn off lights. She just can't do it, its like pulling teeth. I feel like i will explode at times too bit figure my mom was "mean" just like me, we are so much alike it scares me, and i turned out pretty good so i don't feel so guilty.
I recommend looking into the Love & Logic approach. I read one of the books but still couldn't get a feel for it. We recently ordered "The Life Saver Kit", which includes 6 tapes/CDs on different areas of discipline. It's hard to get into that mode of thinking and takes practice but once you see how effective it is you want to learn more. DH was skeptical but after trying some of the approaches and seeing the results he exclaimed, "This system really works!" Melanie and Eve can explain it better than I can. I'm still learning, and wish I knew about L & L when my kids were younger. 
Love and Logic
I am that way sometimes, it's usually when I'm stressed.
We give our oldest two dds monthly allowances. They know how much they receive per month. But I make up chore charts, yes, even for oldest dd 11. Clean their room, make their bed, take out the trash, dishes, help clean the kitchen, etc. They are required so many checks for their allowance. I really don't call it an allowance, I know there is a line between what you work for and what is given.
The money that is given to them they have earned and they can either save, spend or give to charity. Yes, they do use it for all of those. They do their chore and check their marks, sometimes they become lazy and other times competitive.
It's funny sometimes, they will use their money together to buy something or to buy me lunch. The spending thing does have to usually be approved, just in case I think they are buying something that is "taking their hard earned money." I try to teach them if they save up for something to think about it before buying it.
I found I was doing so much talking that they weren't hearing me anymore. So finally, I sat them down and said "these are your responsibilities. I will not remind you. You don't need to remind me to do the things for you. If these are not done, x will happen." And then just bit my tongue and followed through. It's tough cause I still want to say "did you clean your room, you know what happens if you don't?" but I am much calmer now. It doesn't work 100% of the time, but they do remember the consequences.
Your kids are about 6,5, and 2? I wouldn't expect to much, and I think needing to be reminded - a lot - at these ages is normal. Try making a very simple list with only a couple of things on it. 1. Get dressed 2. Wash face and brush teeth 3. make bed, give them the list each morning after breakfast. Once they get in the habit of doing those 3 things, add something else, like pick up dirty clothes, then, when they get in the habit of that, add one more thing. I think they are young enough to need gentle reminders, but you need to make sure they hear you by making eye contact and then asking them to repeat what you just said.
If that fails, shut the bedroom doors.
LOL Colette....I've shut the door many times so I wouldn't have to look at it!
Thanks for all the responses. Yes, they do have consequences if they don't complete an assigned task. But, they don't really seem to care either way.
My 2 year old has nothing to do other than put away his socks. I know he is too little to clean his room etc. I do that with him.
But, I really feel like my 2 girls are old enough to understand that they need to do what they are told. They are smart and mature for their age and can surely clean up their room everyday.
Maybe I'll make up a chart with all of their chores on it. I didn't want to be a "chore chart" parent! LOL
Heres how it is at my house now. (I have 3 boys 11.5, 10, and almost 4 yrs) Much older than yours.
Their room is their space. If it is messy they can pull the doors closed and I dont have to see. All I ask is that they bring me their dirty laundry once a week and they bring me their dirty sheets. I wash/dry/fold it all and they carry it up and put it away. I even remind them to bring me their laundry the day before I am going to wash it. I dont care if their beds are made unless we are having company. About once a month I have them pick it up well enough to vacuum and dust. Now if they leave their things in the living room, kitchen, etc... I do have them pick it up and take it to their room. Because that is MY space they are cluttering up.
I bet that shocks you!! LOL I am so much more at piece with this new system. My kids are happier with choosing how to keep their own things. I have noticed on SEVERAL occassions now, my boys have cleaned their rooms and made their beds on their own.
I should probably add though, that they often help me in other areas of the house! They often swiffer floors, vacuum, clean windows, clean in their bathroom, dishes, set dinner table, etc...Not to mention they have lots of homework, trumpet and piano practice as well! So they arent totally lazy or not expected to do anything. I just decided after reading a love and logic book that their room is the only room in this house that is 'theirs' and I like giving them the opportunity to choose how they want to keep their room. They LOVE it!
OHHHH and here is how we solved another problem. My dh was always STRESSING out over the kids leaving the lights on in their bathroom. Well, he installed a motion detector light switch. When they walk in the bathroom the light comes on, it shuts off after they leave. LOL!!! IT is so great. What was a HUGE stressor, is no longer a problem. No more yelling over the lights. yea!!
Robin, lol;) I didn't even think of a chore chart until oldest dd saw it in Toys R us (magnet thing small for $19.99). She said why don't we make one up. Anything to keep me more organized and I don't even think about it. They're the ones who look at the chart and see how they can help. If they do above and beyond (they do this especially around the holidays to buy gifts for people) we give them extra.
I figure within this they are learning how to clean, organize and organize their time, earn money and learn how to manage money. All of this by a simple chart. Believe me all of us have gotten a lot out of a simple chart. Who would have known.
Also, our daughters are a lot more organized than I was at their age.
It's funny, I'll keep blabbing here, I'll give you an example.
Oldest dd goes to bed about 9 and gets up at 6 every morning. She will unload the dishwasher and put everything away and set out the dishes for breakfast (we also have a chart of what each mornings meal will be, she helps me plan this and she loves to grocery shop and clip coupons! She's better at it than I am, she goes through the Sunday paper!) Sometimes she takes a shower in the morning, dresses, eats, we pack lunches, off to school, she comes home does her homework (I never tell her), she'll come out maybe get a snack, and ask if I need help with anything. She is very interesting in cooking and she loves to do it so I involve her as much as possible.
I'm hoping dd 8 follows in her footsteps, but she is different and often needs a reminder. Or if she sees Rachel helping she starts to help.
But she often gets sidetracked.
We started it about 3 years ago when Rachel was 8 and Shannon was 5. Little Alyssa loves to clean but she is a little Hurricane at the same time
Conni,
My mom used much of the same logic about my room. I'm a slob as far as my room goes, and when I was living at home she simply said "No food up stairs, and keep the door closed". My room was visible from the foyer, so rather than battle with me over keeping it spotless she focused on the other areas in the house. Now as an adult, I'm still pretty sloppy in my room. I'm trying harder as of recently only because my boyfriend is a "neat freak". The rest of the house is usually clean. Either way I figure I need to choose my battles with the kids as well. If we all have to live here we might as well find a compromise! BTW, love the motion detector light idea... I'll have to remember that one!
Okay Robin. Here comes my Love and Logic Speech. Stop me if you've heard it before. LOL.
Before I tell you to rush out and buy their tapes, I want you to try this experiment. If it works, great, then go and check out the Love and Logic site.
I want you to have a conversation with your girls. It should go like this: Tell your girls their room will be cleaned every morning. Now, there are two ways for this to happen. The first option is that they can clean it before they leave for school. The second option is that you can do it after they leave for school. Tell them the benefit of them doing it is that they will still have all their things when they return home from school. Period. End of conversation.
Tomorrow morning, do not, do not, do not, do not, do not remind them. The first part of the Love and Logic philosophy is that you give a child a task they can handle and then hope and pray they fail. That seems odd, doesn't it? But people learn from their mistakes. If you are there nagging them making sure they don't fail, how can they possibly learn? When they do not have their room clean before they leave, that's great! They now have a Significant Learning Opportunity. (And can you already see a difference in how you are feeling that morning? Instead of anger, you are happy to know your kids are about to learn something!).
After dropping them off at school, come home and put anything not put away into a box or bag. I am not saying to throw anything out. But confiscate it for a while until you know they can be responsible for their things. Might be a week, maybe a month. Or maybe just a day or two. You will have to wait and see.
When your girls come home they will be sad to see some things missing from their room. Hug them. Tell them how sad it is. You will genuinely feel sad because you know how they will be feeling. But do not, do not, do not lecture or point out why their things were taken or what they should have learned. The less words you use the more thinking and therefore the more learning they will do.
The next morning, say nothing. No reminders, no nagging. Perhaps they will have figured it out already and their room will be clean. Maybe not. Maybe you will have to repeat the process. That's okay. Bag up anything left out once again and give them all the sympathy in the world when they come home.
Eventually your kids will be cleaning their room before leaving for school and you will not have to yell at all.
Good luck. And remember, bite your tongue. Let the consequences, not your yelling do the teaching.
Good luck!
Ok, I think I REALLY LIKE that love and logic thing, I don't need it yet, but I've printed that idea out, and I'm going to use it when dd is older!
I use a modified L&L approach along with some Flylady advice for my kid's room cleaning and household responsibilities. First of all my boys DO have to keep their rooms clean. Not meticulous, but nothing on the floor, clothes put away, dresser tops and bedside tables fairly straight. Yes, it is their space but it is owned by DH and me so we have certain expectations for how it will be kept. Secondly, I think it teaches responsibility and caring for things that you own (likely things we have bought for them) and it teaches life skills as well. My boys were both responsible for making their beds when they were about 4. It didn't look pretty, but as long as the sheet and quilt were pulled up and the pillows were on the bed, that was good enough. I NEVER go back after them and re-do it or complain about it not being Martha Stewart lovely.
I vacuum and dust their rooms once a week and if stuff is left out I either (1) confiscate it or (2) put everything on their beds and when they get in from school it must be put away before any thing else happens. The Flylady approach though is for kids who are too overwhelmed by "go clean up your room." They simply don't know where to start. I can relate since I'm like that with some big projects I need to take care of, like organizing my pictures and scrapbooking supplies. So...instead of "go clean your room" try "go clean off your dresser and put everything away" or "pick up all of your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper." Break the seemingly overwhelming big task into smaller, manageable tasks. And/or set the timer for 15 minutes, give you DDs a specific task or two to accomplish and tell them to race the timer and see if they can get it done before the timer dings. REGARDLESS of if the task is finished (as long as they have really been trying and not goofing off), they get to stop and take a break, have a snack, play, whatever, and then go back for 15 minute intervals until the job is done. If they do a 15 minute pick-up before bed, then they should never have too much BIG cleaning to do.
Finally, go through their toys and decrease the amount of toys and decorative knickknacks that they have. If they have toys that they rarely play with (even if they are nice, expensive toys) then donate them or sell them to a resale shop. I got rid of tons of my boys' toys and basically left them with legos, games, a few cars (like 5 Hot Wheels vs. the hundreds that they had), art supplies, and a couple of other misc. toys. I gave away about 4-5 huge boxes of toys. I seriously reduced our toy inventory and you know what happened? My boys had a lot less toys and played with the ones they did have a lot more. They finally knew what they had instead of being overwhelmed by the toy clutter, so the toys got pulled out and played with more. You can go to flylady.net and scroll down to "flying with kids" for more info. Good luck!
Thanks Melanie! I will try that
Pam, we've already decreased the toys and junk stuff. They share a room so there isn't a whole lot of space for extras. We don't even keep Happy Meal toys for more than a week.
I'll have to check out the Flying With Kids thing too
Thanks!
I have felt like a mean mommy lately too . I'm so happy to read so many great ideas. I will be trying them out.
One thing that we do to make morning time a little easier is we pick up the bedrooms or family room at night before bed. That way my DD only has to take care of her bed, getting dressed and taking dirty clothes to the laundry in the morning.
Fraggle, I will probably have to switch to night-time cleanups rather than morning ones beginning next year. This year both of my girls are in afternoon school, so they have the whole morning to work on it. Next year I'll have a first grader so we'll have to do things at night!
I'm excited to try Melanies suggestion. Can't wait till morning LOL
Pam, Thanks for the FlyLady website! I love it! I've already joined, and I'm getting my sink shiny as I speak! I've come a long way with my housekeeping skills, but I think this will take me a step further in getting my life organized. :-)
Melanie, what should Robin do if her girls ask WHERE their stuff is? Is she supposed to try and avoid this conversation as much as possible? What do you do if they try to negotiate? How do you respond? And would this work with a seven year old? TIA!
good question Kate!
I am glad you asked!
Go ahead and let them know that you have it. If they want to know specifically where, that's fine. It's okay if they know. If they try to sneak anything out it will be very sad for them because the item(s) they took will be gone for longer.
When they ask how they can get it back, take this approach. Ask them if they would like to know what some other kids have tried. Do this because kids typically don't want to hear what an adult suggests, but they are open to hearing what other kids have tried. Now, your kids are young so that probably isn't the case yet, but do it anyway so you will be comfortable with answering this way later when you really need it. When they say yes, give them a few ideas. But start with the worst idea first. Why? Because kids (again, usually older kids, but don't worry about that) always reject the first thing that an adult suggests. So don't give out your good stuff first. Then say, "Well, some kids throw a tantrum and demand their stuff back. How do you think that would work for you?" Your daughters will answer something like "Bad because then you will put me in my room." Your response is, "Good thinking. Some kids try to sneak in and take their stuff back when they think mom and dad aren't looking. How do you think that would work for you." They will say something like "Bad because then we'll be in more trouble." You, "Good thinking. Some kids try to prove they can take care of their things by picking up their room every day. How do you think that would work for you." They will either say "Good" or "I don't know". Either way, kiss them on the tops of their heads and wish them luck with that. Don't ask them what choice they will make. Don't tell them what you would choose. Just end it there.
Now, Kate asked about if they try to negotiate. That's where you turn into a broken record. One of my favorite lines is, "I love you too much to argue" or "Nice try". Just keep repeating those phrases. They'll quickly figure out you won't budge.
As for a seven year old, YES!!! My oldest two kids are 8 and 6 and this technique works wonders for us. Try it...you'll see!
Robin, I am so happy to see you are excited to try it. And I can't wait to hear the results!
Oh, and I really should have started with this. When they ask where there stuff is and you tell them, they will probably ask why. Answer with "Why do you suppose?" You have bright girls. They will be able to come up with that answer all by themselves.
My girls tell me all the time Im a mean Mom and they even tell their friends Im mean. Im not that mean I just rag on them all the time about things they should be better at especially at their age 15 and 11. For example: Keeping their rooms cleaned(The 11 year old is the worst) cleaning to her means rearranging it and putting it under her bed or cramming it in the closet. She will take her clean pile of clothes to her room and throw them on the floor by her bed and they will lay there until I rag on her again about picking them up. If she gets something out it stays there until I tell her 4-5 times to put it away. The 15 year: the biggest thing we have to get onto her all the time about is wearing her retainers. She has already been through exspanders, braces and retainers and now because of her teeth moving so much we are going through another process. The dentist has added more wires to her retainers and she is to be wearing them all the time. Since he didn't say anything to her at her last visit about not having her bottom retainer in when she went then she thinks it's not a big deal to wear them. I got so made about it last night that I told her fine, you will be paying for the visits from now on. So as usual it's off to her bedroom and silent treatment. I tell both of my girls that they will never be able to move out on their own because they both wouldn't survive with out being able to hire someone to do everything for them. Sorry so long!
Erma Bombeck was a mean mom, too!
Mean Moms
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.
She always insisted on us telling the truth the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds.
Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that's what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms anymore.
My children are 7 and 9.
We have a chore chart. The only reward given is family time (usually an outing on Sunday) BUT if the chores are not done things are taken away.
Such as:
No playstation for a week.
No TV for a week
Etc...
After the first two weeks (of them testing me to see if I meant it) it is no longer an issue
Their responsibilities are:
Keep bedrooms cleaned (picked up)
Vacuum bedrooms once a week
Shared bathroom must be kept clean
I wash their clothes and fold them (put in a laundry basket). They are responsible for putting their clothes away.
Yvonne
I am not too picky about a spotless room but expect it to be kept in enough order that toys are not scattered throughout their rooms. We have a place for everything so it is not difficult for them to pick up after themselves.
My daughter is 11 and I cannot get her to keep her room cleaned , and by that I mean clothes in the laundry, papers and small toys off the floor so I can vaccum when I need to , and her guinea pig fed and changed.My husband and mom get after me because I get sick of asking her to do so and just do it my self, but when I have to do it, I give her consecquences such as no sleep overs, earlier bedtimes, or we dont buy her something she really wants but when we have to do this I feel like a bad parent for having to make her go without. Am I the only mom that feels like this?
AHHHH......no teaching opportunity today There are still 2 hours till school starts and their room is cleaned. I had the little talk with them yesterday and didn't say a word since then about cleaning it. About 1/2 hour ago I went in to check on them and they were CLEANING their room.
I have to say I'm disapointed LOL. I really wanted them to keep it a mess today. The one day I *want* them to have a messy room and they clean it.
I'm sure this will wear off and they will go back to their normal habits. Maybe tomorrow they will keep it a mess!!
Melanie.....what books from L&L would you recommend starting off with? I really hate to buy books that are just mumbo jumbo. I want to buy books that have great suggestions....like the one you gave me above. What are some good starter books? My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 2. Thanks!! I will be sure to post as soon as I get to try out this room cleaning thing. (I'm sure it will be soon!)
Robin, you have already discovered the best part of this program. It puts the fun back into parenting! Look how much you are looking forward to letting them have a learning opportunity!
The main book is called Parenting With Love and Logic. I like to recommend this one because it gives the best comprehensive overview of what Love and Logic is. But, it kind of leaves you with a "Okay, now what?" feeling. This is also the only one I prefer in book form. The tape is simply the reading of the book and it's very dry. All of their other tapes are conversational in nature and are full of real examples. It's fun to listen to and you want to listen to them again and again.
Either Toddlers and Preschoolers or Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood would be perfect for your two year old. They are very similar so you don't need both. I had Toddlers and Preschoolers but purchased the other one when Peyton came along as Eve was giving some examples from the tape that I really liked. That's the thing about their tapes. Even when the topics overlap, they will give you another one-liner or tip that wasn't in the other tape that can be put to good use. Every time I listen to a new tape I find another line I can use on my kids. Both of these tapes are geared towards kids up to the age of five, so you will even find it useful on dd #2.
Four Steps to Responsibility was one of the first tapes I got and it continues to be one of my favorites. It walks you through each step and gives great real-life illustrations on how to use it. It's a short tape, but I think it is a very effective one.
Another favorite is Choices, Failures, and Thoughtful Risks. I found this one very useful, though I would probably suggest you just keep this one on your "later" list, if after getting your first couple you are still wanting more. (And trust me, if you look at the library Eve and I-and from the sounds of it Trina-have accumulated, you will be wanting to hear more).
I hope that helps. I have many of their tapes so if you see any others that interest you but aren't sure about, ask because there is a good chance I have it. LOL.
Anon, my kids are 14 and 10, and I know what you mean, but I think it's important to remember that we are trying to raise good adults. I hurt when my kids are unhappy, especially if it's at me, but giving into them isn't going to make them happy in the long run if they think the world will always cater to them.
First of all you are not a mean mom. To discipline your children is to teach your children how to become responsible, successful individuals. Consequences - take away something that they like to do if they don't comply with you. If they don't want to clean their bedroom fine, no playstation or whatever, this works great with my kids. I'm fairly laid back too and not concerned about perfectionism. A little goes a long way with me. As a family we all need to contribute in some way to the household (even if it's just a little) Children need boundaries and rules and all that fun stuff to feel secure. When my kids call me mean I just go with it, and say oh no, I'm a "really" mean mom!! they usually roll their eyes and sometimes just laugh. I also use alot of humour and silliness and that really can get them doing what I ask of them.
When we were away this week, many people commented or noticed when I said "Uh-oh" that my DD stopped and said "I want to be sweet! I want to be sweet!" Love and Logic does work. Even if you get only one really good line, like the "I love you too much to argue." We use that daily.
The only thing I wanted to add is that with my DD we let her earn her toys or belongings back. (We do like Melanie said offering ideas and it's usually the last idea) She will be 3 on Monday and she will clean her room and bring the bathroom trash downstairs and dust and you name it. Sometimes she says "No, I no earn it!" So, we say "Ok, babe, that's your choice." She has to be sweet and come to us to ask to earn it after that. Believe me, the next morning, she always comes and asks "What I do?"
Good luck!
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Oh yeah I am a mean mom and proud of it too! I can tell the difference in children of parents who lay down the law and children whose parents do not.
anyway, my suggestion is CHARTS they work for any age. You could say I am a chart freak!
Make a chart- a family chart.
divide into rooms.
then list all jobs for that room.
then over on the right side leave a square space empty.
then take your childs picture and put some velcro on it.
then have the kids pick which room they want for the week.
then attach their picture to that room.
THEN you have a completion chart.
divide into categories/levels 1-4.
then list all the activities in each level the kids can do.
1 would be clean the toilets, do trash the BAD jobs.
2 would be better than one and actually fun time for them. play a game, watch 1 show, etc
then 3 it gets even better this is where they should be-read, tv time, computer time, etc
4 would be the best, rent a movie, have a friend over, go to the movies etc.
They will learn that cleaning is a part of life, not just a mommy job.
At least that is what we do. DD 7 & 3. DS is not on the chart yet too young...It works like magic!
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