My 3 and 1/2 year old ds will not willingly come to the table to eat his meals. Majority of the time he says "not now", "later", "I'm not hungry" or "I don't want to eat". Now I do realize that it is difficult for toddlers to leave what they are doing and so, I try to give him a 15 minute warning before each meal. Once I do manage to get him to the table, he fidgets, plays and talks excessively. I have to constantly remind him to turn around to face the table and "attempt" to sit still. What makes the situation even more difficult is that he wants me to feed him. He's fine at daycare but whenever I'm with him, he asks me to feed him. When I don't, he takes only a few bites of food, and says he's full. When he was younger, I would end up feeding him most of his meal because my main objective was to get some food into him. This I know just made the problem worse. For awhile now I have been encouraging him to eat on his own because he is a "big boy"; but he still continues to fight it and just fidgets around and he basically dislikes just about everything I serve him. There has been some stressful times at the table and I absolutely want to avoid that. I don't want to turn mealtime into a battletime. Any suggestions??? Please advise as I what I should do??? Specifically.... (1) When he refuses to come to the table, should I force him to come and sit there even if he doesn't partake in the food? or just let him skip the whole meal and not give him anything to eat later. (2) When he doesn't want to eat what is serve, should I make him something else or let him just skip the meal? (3) Because of all that fidgetting and talking at the table, (despite my corrections) it takes him a LONG time to finish only a few bites. Should I give him a time limit on finishing his meal?? HELP!!! Any suggestions whatsoever would be great.

By Mommyathome on Friday, April 4, 2003 - 11:07 pm:

I would definitely say don't make him something different if he doesn't like what you make for a specific meal. That will only cause problems in the future.

My kids do this on occasion, but it isn't a real problem. When they do, however, it's you eat what's there or you get down and wait for dinner. Then, when they wake up from their nap hungry I remind them that they should have eaten their lunch!

My DD's (ages 4 and 3) do seem to fidget alot during meals...unless they are really hungry. They kneel on the chair, then stand by it, then sit on, then look under the table, then mix all their food together, then say they are full. IMO that is pretty normal. Little kids are distracted easily.

Is your DS healthy? Does he eat when he is hungry? Have you tried letting him skip a meal because he's not hungry...then is he hungry by the time the next meal rolls around?

good luck with your little guy

By Kaye on Saturday, April 5, 2003 - 09:09 am:

First I say don't battle over food if he is growing normal and healthy. You need to change one behavior at a time, he didn't become this way over night! For a lot of families it is very important that every sits down and participates in the meal, others not so much. Write down exactly what bothers you and then pick one thing and change it. As for you feeding him, this is probably a matter of wanting some attention, a little laziness and probably lack of coordination (mommy does it better). However he will eat when he is hungry, so if it bothers you to feed him, then don't do it. But you will need to stop feeding him all things, not just at dinner time. I fed messy foods to my oldest child for sometime because it was easier on me *S* As for foods he doesn't like. If you know he hates macaroni and cheese and you serve it to him you are asking for a fight! If it is a new food I offer it to my kids first. One of my kids doesn't like cheese, so I will pull out some noodles before I add the cheese, fight solved and I am not cooking two things. At this age with my kids (5,7,9) I do not ask that they eat things they dont' like, but I only fix one meal, if they aren't going to eat what I cook they may ask permission to make themselves a sandwich. What type of chair does your son sit in? Is he comfortable, is his back supported, are his feet supported? It is hard to sit still and eat properly if you just aren't comfy. Another idea is to involve him with the meal time before it is time to eat. Put away his toys, turn off the tv or whatever he is doing and have himhang out in the kitchen with you, let him put forks on the table, plates if they aren't breakable, etc. Talk him through what you are cooking. I found that my kids will eat anything they cook, only now my 9 year old realizes when I say why don't you cook the brocolli that is what we are eating and she will say, how about green beans instead?!

By Ginnyk on Saturday, April 5, 2003 - 12:53 pm:

I remember, about 38 years ago, when the pediatrician advised me about my first child, who was going through a "not eating" period. He said that no child will voluntarily starve, so just prepare the meals, bring him to the table, serve the meal (small portions) and if he doesn't eat, OK - but no snacks or fixing special food. After about three days of this he began eating at about every third meal - enough for three meals, but what had been prepared and nothing special) and in a week or two that phase was done.

I never fixed anything "special" for one child except for his birthday, but I also never insisted that a child eat something if he had already tried it and knew he didn't like it (too many childhood memories of sitting at the table for two hours because I hadn't eaten everything on my plate). My sons as adults each have a few things they won't eat (different for each son), but by and large they will eat almost anything put in front of them and are generally willing to try something new unless there is an allergy involved (my youngest developed an allergy to shellfish in recent years) or a major ingredient is something that son already knows he doesn't like.

In short, don't fuss, fix the meal, give him warning time so he can get ready to stop what he is doing and come to the table (and try to keep the same schedule as much as possible, so that he knows that at such and such a time it is time for dinner and is getting himself mentally ready), if he doesn't eat, OK, but no dessert, no snacks, and the next meal is served in the usual way at the usual time. My feeling is the less you fuss, the less mileage he will get out of making a fuss and it will get boring real soon.

I certainly would not feed him if it were me (which it is not, I know). I think this may be an attention getting device, and maybe if you give him attention in a different time and place he may not demand this kind of attention. Maybe the fifteen minutes before dinner could be a time to read him a story and spend time talking about what happened to him during the day, so he could do his talking and attention-getting then instead of during dinner.

By the way, what about timing? Is he getting an afternoon snack at daycare so that he is not hungry at the time you serve dinner? Is dinner too early after getting home and does he need more time to unwind and "get here from there"? My mind is jumping around, but I am wondering if your schedule is - get home, fix dinner, eat dinner, with no time for you or him to unwind and just be together and get back in touch before you start dinner - he may think dinner time is only time he *can* get your attention. It is really hard for wohm's to find/make time to just "be" with their children - been there, done that - but in the long run it may save you time and aggravation if you start setting the time after you get home for an unwind and touch base time with your son.

The fidgeting - don't know, except as more grabs for attention (negative attention is still attention).

By Tklinreston on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 12:01 pm:

Thanks everyone for making such good points. First and foremost, I would like to say parenting is a "hit or miss" situation. Like all moms, I have only the best of intentions for my child but it seems like the actions I choose, based on my logic, is the wrong choice. I think I've been placing too much emphasis on "eating" and it's only backfired on me. Lately I've been taking the approach of not discussing eating at the table (compliments included), just placing the food in front of him (of course, food that he likes) and not stressing out over whether he eats it or not. As far as him wanting me to feed him, I've decided to take a more flexible approach so that it's not "all or nothing". I want to continue to encourage him to eat by himself but be joyfull and willing to help him out with the more difficult foods. I really believe Kay hit the mark when she said that my ds is probably alittle lazy (since I've been too willing to do things for him which he can do on his own) and not very well coordinated making him frustrated. As for his fidgeting, you're right, he is only three and he's a super-charged kid to begin with, so I'll just need to take that in stride. Again, thanks for your advice and I will take into consideration all of the wonderful suggestions.

By Melanie on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 12:19 pm:

And don't be too hard on yourself!! You said, "Like all moms, I have only the best of intentions for my child but it seems like the actions I choose, based on my logic, is the wrong choice." We are all doing the best we can. Some of the things we try work, some don't. Some things that work with my first child do not with my second or third. We just keep trying. That's all we can do! I think it's important that you always remember that you have the best intentions. That's the best thing you can have.

By Tonya on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 12:25 pm:

Not sure who said it but the way that worked for Timmy was here it is eat it or do without. He is a very healthy child but didn't ever want to stop playing long enough to eat. I would set us all up to eat and leave his for 30 minutes after we were done if I could not get him to cme to the table for any reason he would wait until the next meal. No snacks or junk in between. He missed meals 2x and from there on out came to the table when told.

I refuse to fix anything special for 1 person over all the others in the house. If there is something specific he wants I might do that for everyone. But my kitchen is not a resturant you do not demand and receive.

Timmy is almost 5 now and knows when it is meal time to come and get it or miss out. There are things now that he needs help with sometimes I have no problem feeding him every now and again. But I cannot all the time because he is lazy if you let him be.

Good luck.

By Tklinreston on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:20 pm:

Tonya, how old was Timmy when you had that problem? So basically the approach you took was not forcing him to come to the table (whether he ate or not) but simply let him know dinner was ready and let him come on his own accord (or not come). Right? I think I will try that with my ds. Also, approximately an hour after dinner, we have "fruit" (and sometimes other things) together as a family usually in the family room (sort of Korean tradition. I read somewhere that even if your child doesn't eat the meal that we should not deprive them of scheduled desserts or snacks after dinner. The reasoning behind this is so that we do not "bribe/threaten or reward" the child for eating or not eating. I will definitely not serve him dinner after the allotted time has passed by simply remarking that dinner is served only once (so that it's not looked upon as a punishment but rather a rule), but what is your opinion on letting him partake in the fruit/dessert? Thanks.

By Tonya on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 01:40 pm:

He was probably 2.5 or 3 when this started he does it to me now every so often but he faces the consequences when he choose to goof and not eat. My honest opinion the fruit/dessert is no. If you cannot sit to eat dinner you should not be able to sit to eat dessert either. If he is too busy for one then he should be too busy for the other. JMHO!!

I think treats and desserts are forms of rewards and should be considered a privledge and/or a punishment if not treated correctly. He will just assume it is OK to not eat dinner cause I can fill up on the after dinner snack no problem. I would say forget dinner too every night if I knew I was getting fruit/dessert anyways.

Good luck.

By Ginnyk on Tuesday, April 8, 2003 - 05:08 pm:

Tlin, I probably have done more good intentioned actions which, in that 20-20 hindsight we are all blessed with, were mistakes than almost anyone here, since I am older than almost everyone here. You are right - it is hit or miss. And you can only do your best based on what you know and how you feel at the time, and, as you are now doing, be flexible enough to change if the situation warrants and the change won't harm your child (by the way, applause for having the ability to be flexible - that is a talent I don't have much of).
One of my favorite sayings is "Wisdom comes from experience - experience comes from mistakes." Since I've had more time that most of the members here to make mistakes (which time I have used most fruitfully in piling up mistakes), it should follow that I am wiser - so come it doesn't work that way??? (I think I either want a refund or a new saying.)

By Annie2 on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 04:23 pm:

I have four kids. I think alot of kids go through a period of not eating. Our dr. agreed with Ginny. A small child will not starve himself. Food just is not a priority for him right now. Offer his meal, with a "heads up" warning.
Serve him what he likes, but not completely different from the main menu. ie: no sauce on macaroni, a piece of bread, instead of mashed potatoe, etc. Milk, of course, with every meal. My kids always have to finish their milk.
My kids have to try new things, but do not have to eat it if they do not like it. I may, however, put that same something on their plate again. A small amount, in hopes they try it again and like it a little better each time. This has worked.

I wouldn't feed him. He is way past the need for that. If he has poor motor skills, then feeding himself with help him.

However, this said, I ALWAYS insist on good table manners. You sit to eat. Do not make a huge fuss if you do not like something on your plate. If you don't like it, leave it. You ask to be excused. I would let my younger kids leave the table when they were finished eating.

Also, I went will the concept of a tablespoon of food for each year, makes a meal. Your son is 3. I would give him 3 tablespoons for dinner ie:
tbsp of rice, tbsp of chicken and tbsp of peas.

Good luck and hang in there. This, too, shall pass!

By Semperspencer on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 01:53 am:

Just wanted to say that this post has helped me also. I am in the SAME EXACT boat that you are in! So, you're not alone! Exactly what you described is exactly what I'm going through! Right this very week! I am going to do what you all suggested, you seem to all agree and BTDT!

By Ginnyk on Friday, April 11, 2003 - 09:00 pm:

Annie made a great point - this too shall pass. And, my experience is the less fuss you make, the sooner it will pass. One of the interesting things about parenting is the number and kinds of phases that come, and pass. The teen phases, unfortunately, last longer, but eventually they too pass, and eventually you wind up with adult children who are probably pretty decent people whom you can both dress up and take out. (Of course, sometimes your children - young or adult - are just patiently (or impatiently) waiting for mom to get over one of her phases - my sons have been in that boat.)

By Paulas on Friday, April 18, 2003 - 10:41 pm:

We had this problem with our now 3.5 year old. The situation you described was ours to a tee. First, let me say, as I do this parenting thing on my own for a few months I have become more flexible with my cooking since DH isn't around to cook for as well. Sometimes I even feed my ds and I know I shouldn't.

About 6 months ago I went to see the dietian or something like that. I can't really remember her title at the moment. Anyway, her comments and suggestions were:
1. Make him come to the table. He doesn't have to eat but he must stay to keep us company.
2. Don't talk about eating or pressure him to eat. Our job is to provide nutritious meals. It was up to ds whether or not he would eat it.
3. DON'T prepare special foods for him.
4. Don't let him snack all day.
5. Do have scheduled snack time, nutritious of course. It is important to make sure that these snacks are provided at consistent times. Her suggestions were: breakfast around 8, snack at 10, lunch at 12, snack around 2 or 2:30 and dinner around 5 or 6.

She said it is important that he knew that if he didn't eat his dinner that more food would come later. She said to continue to provide opportunities for him to try new things, even if he doesn't want it. At some point he might try it.

She also said to not make a big deal out of dessert. She mentioned that some even suggest putting the dessert on the same plate as the rest of the meal. This gives dessert the same value as the other menu items. Often parents (myself included) will say "If you eat all your dinner you can have dessert." This implies that the dessert is more valuable or better than the rest of the meal.

My son will often miss a meal because he has decided he didn't want to eat. For us we really had to limit his milk intake since he was filling up on that. We don't worry about him missing a meal. He's 3.5 and weighs 43 pounds so it's not like he doesn't have enough stored fat to get him through!

Good luck! Don't put yourself down. We are all doing our best. The fact that you came here for advise shows just how much you love him. Hang in there!

By Tklinreston on Sunday, April 20, 2003 - 03:04 pm:

Paula, thanks for the great advice. I am actually implementing those five rules that you listed and it seems to be slowly working. I'll let you know how it goes. As for the dessert, you're absolutely right. I have said the same thing to my ds and when I realized that I was putting too much emphasis on it, I toned it down and now he doesn't even seem all that interested in having a dessert. Sometimes, he actually refuses it. Anyway, thanks again and good luck with yours.