I need some advice here!! (child related)
Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Archive September 2006:
I need some advice here!! (child related)
My ten yr old ds has wanted to join football for the past year, so, we signed him up, $125 for the signup fee, aproximately $30 for shoes, protective cup, and socks. And dh saw some videos on the nfl channel that are instructive videos to teach your child how to play. Well, it has been three weeks and he and I are both miserable, he is scared of tackleing, gets stomach aches while we are at the practice, and begs me not to make him go. Dh works 3-11 shifts and so I take him tuesday and thursdays for practice, which is only supposed to be from 6-730 on a school night but it is always stretched to 800 and it is dark when we leave. Now he wants to add an extra practice on wednesday's plus they also practice saturdays, games begin soon. I am beginning to think that my ds is just not a sports person, not everyone is. I am more concerned with him studying and doing his homework than to have this battle with him every tuesday and thursday. It's making "me" crazy, I work every day, 25 hours per week, and I don't feel like either of us being miserable but I don't know what to do because dh will be ticked with all the money we spent, not happy for sure. What would you all do? He hasn't asked to quit but he sure doesn't want to go to the practices!!
I'll check back later, to see what you all think!!
I would ask him if he is enjoying himself. If he isn't I would suggest that he could always give it a try later on, but if he says that he is enjoying it I would let him continue. I would also stress that you or your dh will not be mad if he has decided that this is not what he wants. He could be trying to tough it out because he doesn't want you to feel that you have wated money. I would also talk to your dh about it so that you are both on the same page.
Well, I have always been of the opinion that once you start something, you finish it. Especially if you are part of a team. Usually (not always) once the games start, the practices lessen. I have also found that kids have more fun once the games start. If he is not asking to quit, I wouldn't even bring it up. Now, if he were truelly miserable and in danger of getting hurt, that is another thing all together. But as a general rule, I am a start it finish it kind of mom.
I, too, believe in finishing what you start. That is a valuable lesson in life. My son wanted to quit baseball when he first started. Now, he absolutely loves it. I would see it through the season. If he hates it in the end, then he need not play again.
I'm with Vicki and Yvonne on this one, too. For all of the reasons they stated above plus if he quits now, you and dh may be apt not to let him try new things down the road...eg instruments, another sport, art classes, etc., especially if it involves big down payments. He will also have it in the back of his head that if he doesn't truly love something he can just quit.
One of our dds hated softball and wanted to quit. She was not a good player, was afraid of the ball but we told her she had to stick with it because she was part of a team. She finished the season and was proud of herself for not quitting. She will never play softball again but she has the accomplishment of starting something and finishing what she started.
thanks ladies, we're going to stick it out...
My ds has played football since about 4th grade. He is in 9th gr this yr. The practices are tough. If you can make it through that then it gets easier when the games start!!! 
If he doesnt like it then he doesnt have to sign up again. Atleast he played once and tried.
I'm the odd one out - except for Emily. He's 10 years old, and it's just football. We are not talking about a life-changing situation here, unless you force him to continue to do something that clearly makes him unhappy and scared.
You already know he has stomachaches. He has already told you he is afraid of being tackled (and why are 10 year olds playing tackle football anyway?). He has already asked you to not make him go. What more do you need?
Add to it that instead of practice being 1-1/2 hours 2 nights a week, it is now 2 hours 2 nights a week and a third night will be added, plus Saturday practices. When does your son have a chance to do his homework? Is his schoolwork going to suffer?
When the games start, if he isn't doing as well as the other boys, will he be playing or on the bench all the time? If he isn't doing well, are the other boys hassling him? What is the coach's style? Is the coach more concerned about the boys learning to be part of a team and giving everyone a chance - or is he more concerned about winning at all costs, and making insulting comments to boys who, like your son, are scared of being tackled? (I am really bothered by 10 year olds playing tackle football. You don't list a helmet among the things you had to buy, nor other protective items. There is a real chance of serious injury in football generally, and I personally think boys under high school age should *not* be playing tackle.)
I've been on both sides of this situation. When my middle son was in 5th grade he was eligible for and signed up for advanced after-school classes - and after a couple of weeks told me he wanted to drop out. He was unhappy, didn't like the competitiveness, and really wanted out. We talked about it, and decided to let him drop out. Later, in 7th grade, when he could handle competitiveness (and with a different teacher), he participated in two advanced after-school classes and loved them.
His older brother got a job at a summer camp, in the kitchen, one summer, and the middle son, then 16, decided to join him - he wanted to earn money and to be away from home. I thought it wasn't a good idea but he was adamant that he wanted to do it, and I knew his older brother would let me know if there were any serious problems. After a couple of weeks he called and he was miserable. He was spending all his time working, didn't have the time to play he thought he'd have, and, frankly, the camp owners were exploiting the teenagers they had working in the kitchen and other places. But I told him he had begged to be allowed to do it, had signed up for the entire summer, and should stick it out, which, in the end, he did. And he looks back on it as a good learning experience.
The difference was in his age and his ability to deal with doing things he didn't like to do and dealing with his temporary unhappiness.
Certainly it's frustrating to have the money go down the tubes, and it would certainly be something I'd remind him about the next time he begged to do something that is costly. But if he were my son, I'd ask him straight out if he wants to quit - and tell him that the choice is his but he has to say it, not just hint around - and if he said yes, I'd let him quit.
Ditto Ginny. Your son's health and happiness are more important than the money or sticking it out. I'm not sure he'd learn anything from sticking it out other than that his parents made him do it and he was miserable. He's only ten and ten year olds aren't old enough to always make the right decision.
I'm a stick it out kind of mom, too. But, like Ginny, when all things are considered, there have been times I have let the kids quit. But the quitting comes with a lot of talking and consideration not just I don't like this, I want to quit.
You, ds, dh and maybe the coach should discuss it thoroughly, maybe give it a game or two, then decide what you are going to do.
Good luck with your decision. Quitting 10 yr old football won't condemn him to failure for the rest of his life. And maybe it will give him the opportunity to find something he really wants to do.
Ditto Ginny and Kate.
Maybe football just isn't his niche.
Ditto Dawn, My DS who is 11 loves soccer and baseball, he tried basketball and didn't like it so he quit. I was always the stick it out Mom, with my first DS. But then I realized, if they truly don't like it they won't play good and won't enjoy it. So its not worth it..JMO
To me it would depend on who's idea joining the football league was. If your son pushed for this, I would make him follow through. If it was Dad's decision, then Dad made a bad call and he can put up with losing the money. Letting him change horses mid stream isn't very good life training, if it was his idea. He'll put more thought into rushing into things in the future if he finds he can't simply quit and run.
Having been involved in football for three years, I have seen this process in action. Often times, kids don't like the practices until the games start. Then they get an excitement about them. Often times with the timid kids (which is every single one of them when they are new at it!) they are scared of tackeling until they get tackeled and realize it's not that bad. That equipment really works. LOL.
That said, in our league, if a child expresses to any of the coaches that they do not want to play, the coach is required to take them off the team. The sport is too intense to have a kid out there who is afraid. If a child is too afraid to tackle and be tackled the right way, they will certainly get hurt. That is too big of a risk.
This is not a sport to finish just because you started. It is a contact sport and can be dangerous. If his head isn't in the game, take him off the field for his safety. If he is just unsure of himself but actually does want to continue, let him go out and eventually he will gain confidence.
Good luck. I am sure it will work out just fine.
Ladies, I have to be honest here, I was hoping for some of the responses that came later, I really don't want to make him continue if he is unhappy, his helmet, shoulder pads, thigh pads etc were included in the price of signup so those weren't additional items that I had to purchase.
Ginny, when he goes to practice I stay the whole time because I felt better being there in case of injury. As far as ten year olds are concerned, the Ofallon Little Panthers even have a Kindergarten team,(which I think it outragous) so his team isn't the youngest.
He loves watching football with dad, he said that he really wanted to join football, but I'm not sure how much was really and truly him or wanting to please his dad. I just know that he is miserable and I wanted some of your opinions.
Melanie, His head isn't in the game, I do believe that he is frustrated with himself too but pushes himself to do the practice till they start tackling then he gets sick in the stomach and sits out.
He's due to come home in an hour and I will see where we stand then. I am more inclined to want him to concentrate on his schoolwork, and chalk this up to we weren't suited for this and not continue to make us both miserable.
I hope the best for you and your son.
I agree that tackle football isn't appropriate for young kids. Their bones aren't even done growing yet, and they are still even softer than in an older child. A major break could have damaging affects on his bone development.
I heard that football is best suited for aggressive boys. For boys who have self-esteem issues, martial arts might be better suited for them. They teach self-confidence and discipline. Maybe ask him if he wants to give that a try.
Good luck!!
I agree with Lisa. A good, well-run martial arts program is great for building self-esteem. But you have to watch and be sure it is being taught the "right" way - that is, what is being taught is exercise, movement, and self-defense, and the instructor emphasizes that he is not teaching the children how to be aggressive, but rather teaching them a system of body management, discipline, and training that will, if necessary, help them defend themselves.
You don't want an instructor who wants to teach kids how to "kick butt" or pushes aggressive attitudes.
My oldest was and is an adamantly non-violent person, and was often the subject of teasing and harassment. As it happened, his boy scout troop leader was into karate, and an hour of each meeting was karate. When my son came home from school and told me that three boys were hitting him and trying to hurt him, I told him that while I don't approve of fighting, sometimes with some boys (and girls) you just have to punch them. He told me he couldn't deliberately hurt anyone. So I suggested he use the karate to keep them from hurting him - which he hadn't thought of. He came home the next day just bubbling. "Mom, they kept trying to hit me and I just kept blocking them, until they got disgusted and walked away." And that was the last time they tried to harass him. And, a couple of years ago he was in the newspaper at the Univ. of Penna because he saw someone being mugged by two young men and was able to stop them long enough for the police to be called and get there. (I don't think it ever occurred to him that they might be armed. Although, they weren't using any kind of weapon in their attack, just two of them on one, smaller person.)
I hesitated posting this, since it is such a serious story. While I don't wish to strike up a panic, it goes to show how dangerous football can be to the young body.
10-year-old dies after football practice
There are tragic stories of kids dying in every sport. The cheerleader who gets dropped on her head, the soccer player hitting the ball with their head, the hockey player who takes a bad check. There is risk in everything you do. Football has 15% fewer injuries among kids ages 5-15 than soccer. Yes, it's a risk. But the kids are out having a great time and doing what boys have done for generations. My boys love the sport and I don't worry about them out there. (knocking on wood)
A mom of one of ds friends asked me one day if I worried with them playing football and how she would never let her kids play. I had to laugh. Her oldest is a wrestler and her youngest races motorcross. LOL. She didn't hear the irony in her words.
I totally agree that there are risks with any sport. I was not suggesting that all other sports were safer. And there are many other accidents that can happen in childhood regardless of what the activity the child could be doing.
But it is not a good idea to a deliberately subject a growing body to the risks involved in contact sports where one of the major goals is to hit someone's body hard enough to block them or knock them down.
I simply read this article and thought of Kelly when I read it. It may just be that her son doesn't want to risk injury to himself, either.
Ladies,
I let him make the decision and we both are alot happier, he decided that he really didn't want to play, somehow I knew that this wasn't the best fit for him, turns out there were two other kids that dropped out as well. I told the coach that he just didn't want to continue and he said that he understood and that not all kids can do it. I also told him that I thought that they were good coachs and that football just wasn't for Gary.
Lisa, I read the article about the ten year old boy, that's the reason I would never leave when he had practice because I felt better being there if anything did happen...
I am glad that it's over and I know that he is too.
I'm glad you are both happy with the decision.
Ditto, Dawn. I'm happy that you are relieved about this stressor. We all know what our gut instincts try to tell us...I'm glad you followed yours!
I'm late to chime in, but I think you made the right decision. Football is definitely a sport that you love or hate. And, unfortunately it is hard to tell until you actually play. It just isn't worth it to have stomach aches and such anxiety over playing a sport.
My oldest(who is 8) is playing flag football this year. He loves it! But, he informed me last night that he will probably not play tackle next year. He is a tall, very thin boy, and he has realized how big all the other kids are that play. He is definitly, by far, one of the skinnest kids out there, and I think he is intimidated by it. To be honest, after watching him play, he isn't cut out for football. He just isn't big enough or aggressive enough. Now, baseball, that is a totally different story. He is great at it. He said after this year, he is sticking to baseball.
Kelly, I'm so glad for your son, and for you. I hope you were able to help dh be comfortable with this decision.
Good going mom.. ^5
Late here too, but just want to put my two cents in. I too, was always a *finish what you start* mom, HOWEVER, when Jeff was young he begged to play football. After a year of hearing how much he wanted to play, I let him. During the first week of practice, he cried every night because his ribs hurt, etc. and wanted to quit. I let him quit. Period.
So ditto Ginny, Melanie, Kate, Emily......
I just believe that football is DEFINITELY NOT for all, or even MOST kids; if they are afraid or miserable they won't play well or correctly, thus they are more likely to be injured. It's a more physical and intimidating sport than some others, and honestly, I think you need to have a certain physique to play it. My son didn't have it. And honestly, I was glad when he quit.
Glad things worked out this way for you guys.
Thank you ladies, feeling sooo much better!!!
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