I remember posting months ago about how my relationship with my stepdad with deteriorating after he met up with his new wife. Well, they are now going through a divorce after a "long" 6 month marriage. Things havn't changed and it's only gotten worse. For those that don't remember he basically went from being 100% involved in Kaitlyn's life and a GREAT Dad calling every few days "just because" to never calling and acting like I was a nuisance when I did call with questions (usually computer stuff) and he just started really distancing himself from me and my older brother (his stepchildren). Now he's done a few things recently that really didn't bother me at first until it all started adding up and he started saying/doing hurtful things.

One thing I was willing to let go was that for Kaitlyn's birthday he offered time and time again to pay for her party. I declined at first because it's not really their responsibility. Then he said he really wanted to since he didn't buy me anything gifts for Nathan (this was before he was born). I said fine at that point. Well when the time came at the party to pay the bill he had my Mom tell me he didn't have any money with him. I was a little annoyed but not completely because I don't expect people to pay for things for me. I was more annoyed at a broken promise. But then it really got to me when my Mom told me they left and he went straight to the computer store, pulled $300 out of his wallet and went on a "shopping spree". It just felt like a slap in the face.

Then when the time was getting close to me giving birth my stepdad was whining and complaining about having to come up here. I told him not to worry about it, I just needed my Mom here to watch Kaitlyn. His excuse to my Mom about not coming was "they're not really his grandchildren anyways" (though he's raised me since I was 2). That hurt. Honestly, my brother and sister have not talked to him since then because they are upset that he would say something like that.

But here's the kicker:

He still hasn't seen Nathan. I didn't find out until a few days ago that he's been refusing to see him because I didn't send him a Father's Day card. Ummm.... CHILDISH MUCH??? I sent him an ecard (that he denies getting) since I had just had Nathan and didn't feel like running around at that point. Not a big deal, i've done ecards before.

To be quite honest, I am SO over his bull crap and I have a lot more to focus on in life than his problems and drama. Would it be wrong of me to give up all contact until he makes the first move? I'm not doing it to spite him but I want him to realize i'm not going to react to all his nonsense. What would you do in a situation like this?

By Tonya on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 03:54 pm:

Write him a letter telling him exactly how you are feeling and leave the ball in his court to contact you from there.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you. You have your own family to deal with now and this is not drama you should have to be dealing with too.

By Cocoabutter on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 04:02 pm:

Is he going through depression? Has he been diagnosed with any illnesses? Maybe ask him or your mom first before you make your decision.

Otherwise, if he doesn't call much or initiate contact, then it shouldn't be difficult to avoid contact.

But I would just call once a month or so to find out how they are doing, and when he starts in on the drama, just say, "Oh, goodness, someone's at the door. Gotta go!" or "Oh, the baby's crying. Gotta go!"

Or if he calls, same thing.

You don't need to make an announcement that you aren't going to listen to the drama or nonsense. Just don't listen to it, period.

I am sorry you are going through this. It must be difficult at times. ((HUGS))

By Boxzgrl on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 04:13 pm:

I wasn't going to make an announcement, I was more so hoping he'd eventually get the point.

And he hasn't taken the initiative to call me in a few months. I usually call every few weeks or so but we really have nothing to talk about these days.

I don't know if he's depressed but I do know his drinking has picked up quite a bit and has caused a few problems in the household. Whatever the reason, being in spite or from depression, I won't tolerate the way he's treating my family. There's never a good enough excuse for that.

By Nicki on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 04:53 pm:

I tend to agree with you, Melissa. I would probably stop all contact and wait and see. I have done this with some of my family members in the past. Sometimes I think we need to look out for ourselves, and avoid those who bring us down.

I'm sorry you have been hurt. I think a lot of us here care about you a lot. Hugs to you.

By Crystal915 on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 05:26 pm:

He's acting like a child, and until he grows up he is only going to be toxic to you and your family. I know how bad it hurts (I have some big issues with my side of the family doing similar things), but your best bet is to just leave it alone until he pulls his head out of his rear. It's his loss, he's missing out on his grandchildren, they are better off not being exposed to someone who is so self-centered. (((Melissa)))

By Ginny~moderator on Tuesday, June 27, 2006 - 06:24 pm:

It probably gets boring, but I'll say again - if you take the high road you will feel better about yourself. You've done that, by reaching out to him with phone calls.

I wouldn't send a letter. Stuff you put in writing is pretty permanent, and depending on who reads it, can be misinterpreted and misunderstood. I would stop calling him until he calls you. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache when you call him and he doesn't respond. If other people tell you he is complaining that you don't call him, you can respond that telephone lines work both ways - if he wants to talk to you he knows how to reach you.

Yes, it does sound like a toxic or potentially toxic relationship. But it also sounds like you would like to have some kind of relationship if it could be without hurt to you or your children. If he calls you or makes a move, I think you can set the ground rules, in a firm, reasonable and polite way. If he presses you - say something like, look, SD, we're here, and we've been here, and we've reached out to you several times. If you want to have a relationship, fine, but you have to recognize that I have young children who can be badly hurt if you come into their lives and then go out again. I can't help feeling that if you had wanted to maintain a relationship with us and especially with the children, you would have. So while I am willing to be reasonable and to maintain an amiable relationship with you, don't expect us to go out of our way, and do expect me to protect my children from the kinds of heartache you have caused me. Especially, you can't be around my children when you've been drinking because when you are drinking you are not a nice person to be around. You think about it, and decide if you want to try to maintain a relationship on those terms.



In the end, it's up to him. You will have taken reasonable steps and made reasonable ground rules, and he can decide if he wants to live by them. And no one (including yourself) can blame you for being the hostile or unreasonable party.