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Im back with good/bad news

Moms View Message Board: General Discussion: Im back with good/bad news
By Mara on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 06:33 pm:

I had my baby on December 3rd. Joshua Scott was born at 12:18pm, he weighed 6pounds 7ounces and was 19 inches long. He is doing great and had no withdraw!! I was and still am thrilled that he came out perfect! On the day I was to be released from the hospital my husband showed up at 6 am to my hospital room. I could'nt figure out why he was there so early, he should've been home getting my older kids off to school. I asked him why he was there are I could tell that he'd been crying. He then told me that my mom had passed away just hours earlier. She had a heart attack. She had no heart problems, she was fine!! She was just at the hospital to see me and Josh! I'm absolutly heart broken. She was my very best friend. We saw each other at least 5 days out of the week and talked on the phone about 5-6 times a day! I'm not kidding, we really did talk that often! My post-pardum depression is through the roof. My doc. but my on prozac a couple days ago, but I really don't think anything will take this feeling away. I'm truly lost. I find myself wandering my house aimlessly. I lost my dad 5 years ago, and now my mom. I'm close to losing my mind, I'm sad to say. I really need thoughts and prayers to get me through. My computer has been broken is why I've not been back here lately although I really haven't been up to it. I'll keep in touch.

By John on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:02 pm:

I sent you an email. Please check your inbox

By Rayelle on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:40 pm:

Oh MARA!!!!!!(HUGS)))) So many people here in cyberspace have been worried about you. I'm so happy your baby is doing fine and so sorry to hear the news of your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

By Jtsmom on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:41 pm:

I am so happy that the baby is doing well, but I am so so sorry about your mother. I will keep you in my prayers.

By Mrs_B on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:43 pm:

Mara! We are so happy to hear from you. We were all truly worried about you. I'm sorry about the loss of your mother, I could only imagine the PPD you are dealing with. (((hugs))) We are here for you. And of course when you get a chance, we would all love to see pictures of the new little one.

By Luvn29 on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:47 pm:

Mara, we have all been so worried about you and your baby. We never imagined something like this had happened.

I am so sorry about your mother. I understand the kind of relationship you have with her. I live next door to my mother and never go a day without talking to her.

I am so relieved to hear your baby is perfect and healthy!

By Kate on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 07:49 pm:

I'm so sorry about your mother, Mara. It's so wonderful she got to see her new grandson before she died. I hope that is a memory you can treasure forever.

Congratulations on the baby...what a bright spot he must be for you.

By Tarable on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 08:08 pm:

Congratulations on the baby and I am so sorry about your mother I have no clue how I would do losing my mother since she is my best friend also! Huge hugs and keep in touch! We have been so worried!

By Melanie on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 08:17 pm:

Oh Mara, I am so sorry about your mom!

Congratulations on the birth of Joshua!! I am so happy to hear he is a strong, healthy baby! :)

By Bellajoe on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 08:57 pm:

I can't imagine what you must be going through.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. It is a blessing that she got to see Joshua before she passed. It must have been so hard for your dh to tell you the news.

Congratulations on your new baby boy, enjoy him.

By Marcia on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 09:19 pm:

Mara, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. My mom and I have the same kind of relationship, and anytime I think of life without her I feel sick.

I am so happy to hear of the safe arrival of your little man. He is such a blessing, and will help you to get through this.

By Crystal915 on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 09:33 pm:

Mara,

As everyone said, we have all been super worried, so I'm glad to hear you and the baby are ok. I am so sorry about your mother, that must be so hard. Just try to get through one day at a time, and keep taking your medicine, eventually the depression will start lifting. You've been so strong through the last year, you can do this! And we're here for you, if you need to vent or cry or just be distracted for a few minutes.

Let us know how you're doing, when you can, and we would love to see pics of your baby boy! Hang in there, sweetie, as painful as this is right now, it will get better. ((((((HUGS))))))

By Cat on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 09:49 pm:

{{{{{Mara}}}}} I'm so sorry about your mom. Thoughts and prayers.

Congratulations on your son's birth! I love the name. :) Enjoy your new little man. :)

By Tayjar on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 09:56 pm:

Mara - I am so happy you and Joshua are OK. When my mom passed, I too, lost my best friend. To help ease my grief, I started a journal of everything I wanted to tell her. I knew she was still watching over me but I needed to "communicate" with her. It truly did help.

Remember, you have lots of friends on the board who are here for you. (((Hugs)))

By Tink on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 10:19 pm:

Mara, we're so glad to see you've checked in. Congratulations on your perfect baby boy.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I also dealt with PPD and the grief you feel must make it 10 times worse. Please keep taking your antidepressant and know that you can talk to us anytime about anything. Your grief, your depression, your exhaustion. I know it was so hard to act like I loved having a newborn and I felt like I couldn't be honest about the difficulty I was feeling. Please know that anything you talk to us about is understood by someone who has been through something similar. My email is tinkamarink at gmail dot com if you just need to vent. {{{Mara}}}

By Dawnk777 on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 10:51 pm:

Congratulations on your new baby boy and I'm glad he had no problems.

I'm so sorry about your mom. {{{HUGS}}}

By Kaye on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 10:58 pm:

Mara, another congrats from me.

I do kind of get what you have been going through. I lost my mother when I was pregnant with my youngest. It was the single hardest thing I been through in my life. Besides just being best friends, she was a great habit. I called her also several times a day. My parents actually had an 800 number for me to call. It literally took me months not to dial that number once it was disconnected. There is nothing that can fill a mothers spot. Hang in there, remember you are cared for.

Try to stay on the computer, we are here for support. I think you have gotten some emails that are worth reading :)

By Missymelissy on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 11:31 pm:

Congratulations on your baby boy.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mom.

Thanks for checking in.

By Kateg on Saturday, January 10, 2009 - 11:49 pm:

{{{HUGS}}}

Congratulations on your new baby boy.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom.

By Northcountrymom on Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 08:46 am:

Hi Mara,

We went through tragedy around my last child's birth. Reaching out helped. I know its hard. I don't know if you have people local to help you but reach out. Sometimes just the church up the block can help. You are also in my prayers.

Linda

By Mara on Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 10:27 am:

thank you all for the kinds words and prayers. As of right now my email is messed up, I can still receive mail I just cant check it. Hopefully I'll have that fixed by the end of the week so I can read your letters. I never dreamed I'd lose my mom like this. I just always assumed there'd be time to say my good byes. I had 11 days with my dad before he went. She was so excited for the baby to be born, I hate that she won't be here for him. As someone else said my mom was a huge habit. My life was built around her life. Everything I do and see reminds me of her. Just about everything has a memory attached to her. It's so hard. She was 64 and in decent health. Nowhere close to dying, I thought anyway. I could go on and on, but it will make me more depressed. Maybe I'll write more later.
Thanks again for the congrats and condolences.

Mara

By Crystal915 on Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 01:44 pm:

Mara, when you are able to, please email me. cjaping at gmail dot com.

Thanks!

By Vicki on Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 06:49 pm:

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I too lost my mother and know what kind of pain it is. There is nothing quite like it.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby boy. I am so happy to hear that he is doing so fantastic!

You had many of us mother hens very concerned about you and it is great to hear from you!!

By Marie on Sunday, January 11, 2009 - 07:14 pm:

Mara,
I am also sorry to hear about your mother. on the other hand congrats on the baby boy. My only boy is named Joshua I am quite fond of that name. I am glad to see you back on. We were all worried

By Dana on Monday, January 12, 2009 - 07:45 am:

Mara, I am so sad to hear about your loss. But as reading your post, it was so good to know she was with you after your sweet baby boy was born. She got to see both you and her newest grandson in good health! I know that had to have meant so much to her.

I've been so proud of you ever since you came to us with your struggles and thought so much of your strength and love. You may be holding on by a thread now, but you will get thru this with all the love and support you have around you.

I experienced PPD without the tragedy of a loss of loved one, and it is almost surreal, the saddness. My prayers are with you.

By Feona on Monday, January 12, 2009 - 06:31 pm:

I don't know what to say. It is very very sad. I can't imagine your pain.

Glad to hear the baby is very well. That is a fabulous blessing.

By Wandilu on Tuesday, January 13, 2009 - 12:24 am:

Mara, I am so sad for you. My DD and I share the same kind of relationship and I know she would feel the way you are feeling.I wish I had a magic word that would take your pain away.Once you are able, I think the writing will help you greatly.Did you get to take a picture of your mom with little Joshuah?God bless you sweety ((( hugs )))

By ~harlena on Tuesday, January 13, 2009 - 12:08 pm:

I'm so sorry for your loss ..... this is a very bittersweet time for you, having your little one, but losing a very precious member of your family at the same time.

All I can say, is to not lose Faith ... HE is there for you, and will continue to be.

At the same time, it's probably very hard to reach out to people right now, but I'm sure (just look at the responses here !) that there are so many people reaching out to you, just don't shut them out, and accept help when it's offered.

We had a ministry in our church called Elizabethan Ministry, it was moms helping moms, they paired moms who had lived through a crisis/situation/loss/difficulty with one who was currently experiencing it. I'm not sure if it's a Catholic only thing or not. But if you want, I can see if they have one in your area.

Many people are praying for you and sending you lots of love, all you have to do is to get through this hour, the next hour you can get through it then, just worry about the right now. Taking care of yourself (are you eating ?) taking care of your little one (you have to, but you can't forget yourself or you won't be able to) and relying on your husband, he sounds like a very compassionate man, lean on him for now.

Keep checking in with us to let us know how you are, and I was serious about that ministry, let me know where you are and I can see about putting them in touch with you. It really REALLY was a wonderful help when I needed it.

By Mara on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 12:51 pm:

I'm having a little bit of a rough day today. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I still find myself having to convince part of my brain that she is actually gone. I've still got things of hers that I had borrowed, I've still got dishes of hers from where she had brought over special treats that she'd make for the kids. It's just so unreal still. The kids are a great distraction, expecially the baby cause he is still so needy. But the more and more I push it to the back of my mind the worse off I am I guess. It's so tiring to think about and I just want to forget sometimes. My God, she was FINE, she was just there with me, I had just talked to her just hours before. I hate this. I'ts not fair at all. I think of all the times that I told her she was smothering me, I used to joke that she was like a parasite that was attached to me. You literally did'nt see her out without me. Every time the phone would ring it was her, every time I hear the phone now I think of her, every time. She used to borrow money from us to help her though the month and I would complain about that. I've told her how my family can't go broke to help you, and it kills me that I said those things. She would always just say that she understood and that she was so sorry. It breaks my heart!! She had just called me up about a week before telling me how proud she was of me. God I love her so much, how will I make it? I have a older brother that lives in Oklahoma. He did'nt even come for the funeral. I have'nt seen him in almost 2 years. He always kept his distance and he and mom did'nt have a great relationship. Of course now he keeps calling wanting to know about her will. Mom had a will leaving 50/50 to me and my brother. A few months ago she wanted to change it and was going to leave my brother nothing, I know that sounds terrible, but you don't know my brother. The will never got changed. I was left in the will as her personal representative, I'm taking care of all her affairs. I'm the one that is going to clean out her house, paying her bills so the pipes in her house don't freeze up, taking care of the bills that she still owed. Her life insurance payed the funeral, there was 41 dollars left over after the funeral cost. My brother is'nt going to do CRAP except sit back holding his hand out waiting on his 50% that IMO he doesn't deserve. My mom used to call him and bawl her eyes out on his answering machine for him to just call her and tell her that he was okay, he would'nt call her back. This went on for over a year. The only time we would ever hear from him is when he was in jail, and that's been many times. I just hate it. I love him, he's my brother-actually my half brother, my dad adopted him when he was 3, but anyway, I love him but I do'nt like him too much. Here I am with 4 little kids, his kids are grown and out of the house. Him and his girlfriend will probebly sit and drink away any amount of money he gets. Oh well, things happen for a reason. He will be in town at the end of the month to go to the attorney so I can get moms estate opened. I dread it. My life has been flipped upside down in more ways then one and it's taking it's toll on me. I'm already down past my pre pregnancy weight, I eat I just don't have an appetite. Between grief, the new baby, and worrying about taking care of moms things, and my brother I'm close to losing my mind. My dh and I actually had an arguement the other night cause I've not been in the mood for sex! You beleive that?? Sex is the last thing on my mind right now. Dh apologised later, but it really hurt me. Well, I'm so so sorry to blah so much.
Mara

By Mara on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 01:11 pm:

I don't know why I do this to myself. I looked up info on a heart attack website. All of moms symtoms she told me about on the phone. She had been feeling feverish, and sick at her stomach. She also had acid reflux and complained of heartburn. Why could'nt she had came to the hospital for a check? Why could'nt she had called 911 a little earlier? She could have lived if she would have been seen earlier. I can wonder and aske what if till the sun goes down, but it won't change anything. It won't bring her back. If I had'nt been in the hospial I maybe would have knew there was something wrong and I would have drove her to the er like I'd done in the past. If I wasn't in the hospital I could have helped her. But no, she had to be alone. With no one. GRRRR •••• it! This is really killing me! I was always there for her! Always. She needed me and I wasn't there, it tears me up inside to know that.

By Kate on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:06 pm:

Oh Mara!!!! This totally isn't your fault!! You know that! You were about to have a baby when she was telling you symptoms! You had three other kids at home! You were dealing with the stress of the addiction and worrying about the baby! This isn't ANYone's fault. It's a horrible thing and sooooo unfortunate, but everyone is blameless.

I'm sorry about your brother. Life is unfair, as you've already experienced, and my only advice here is to let it go. Let that 50% go and try to stop thinking about how unfair it is. Yes, you have a lot of work ahead of you regarding her house and taking care of all the loose ends, and you could use the money with four kids at home, but try and let it go and don't let bitterness and anger destroy you. Rise above it. WAY easier said than done, I know.

I'm sorry you're going thru all this.

By Kaye on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:23 pm:

Mara, it sucks to lose someone you love so much. I am sorry that you have to join the motherless daughters club. There is nothing that will make it easier. But with time you will learn to cope better. You will always miss her.

However, this is not your fault. This is just how it is. I can tell you about heart attacks, they only kill if the clot gets loose in the wrong artery. So yes they might have caught it sooner, before she had the full fledge heart attack, but no guarantees. They would have given her a stress test and she might have died right there. Look up stats, women are much much much more likely to have a fatal heart attack than a man. There was nothing you could do, it was just her time.

As for the estate, let me just say I could have written your sentiments on your brother. If I didn't know better I would think we were related. What I can say is it is just money, and honestly you can't do anything about it. What you can do, document every penny you spend. You can hire yourself to do the cleaning and such, just document time and the you can pay yourself minimum wage. It isn't fair that you have to do all the work and him nothing, so you can be compensated. When you go to probate her will talk to the lawyer about that.

Anyway, I am sorry for your loss, and it just sucks. Please feel free to email me. ka dash boom at comcast dot net.

By Kateg on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:26 pm:

Oh, Sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I have no words to give you...just a lot of {{{HUGS}}}.

By Bellajoe on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:29 pm:

I don't know what to say sweetie. I just want to give you (((HUG)))!

By Dawnk777 on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:40 pm:

{{{HUGS}}}

By Tklinreston on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 02:42 pm:

Oh Mara, I'm so sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine.... I will be praying for you that will have the strength to make it through each passing day.

By Kateg on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 03:38 pm:

Mara - please e-mail me at k a t i e h a _ 9 9 @ y a h o o d o t c o m I would love to talk to you more.

Tons of prayers & hugs for strength and understanding. Know that there are so many people that are thinking and praying for you.

{{{HUGS}}}

By Texannie on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 04:26 pm:

I don't post often, mainly lurk. Our situations are so very similar I had to post. My mom went to sleep one night and never woke up. It was a HUGE surprise. She had never been sick a day in her life. In fact, she was preparing for a party and spoke with 70 of her closest friends the night before. Talk about people being stunned when you called them the next day to tell them she had died! It was right before Christmas too. My dad thought she was asleep and left her coffee by her bedside like he did every morning. I had called her that morning and left her a message about being a 'slug cause she was sleeping in'. (she was known to try to sleep as late as she could). Both my dad and I spent alot of wasted hours playing 'what if game'.
She was my best friend. We spoke every single day. I too had dishes of her, clothes ect. She was a huge part of my kids' lives too. It was a devastating loss. It's been 6 years, and I still kind of shake my head in disbelief.
I had a friend tell me 'the hurt never goes away, but, I promise you, it does get better'. I can remember physically aching with my lost, but my friend was right, little by little it became less painful.
Just take each day as they come. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, just your way. It's almost like dealing with addiction 'one day at a time'. You just focus on today and getting through today. And like overcoming an addiction, there are ups and downs, but slowly the hold your addiction has on you lessens and lessens. You will never forget, but you can live without it.
As to funeral expenses, bills ect. Pay those out of the estate and then do the division between you and your brother. Get someone to help you clean house, pack her stuff ect. Pay them from the estate if necessary.
If I may pass on one word of advice. Don't get bogged down in 'things'. I found I got rather petty about what my sibling got and it really consumed me. I think in a large part because I wanted to hold on to whatever I could to keep her with me. Looking back now, the things didn't matter at all. The things that made my mom special weren't things at all.
if you ever want to talk, feel free to email me at
texanniew at yahoo dot com

By Ginny on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 - 04:46 pm:

Oh, Mara. This is so very much not your fault. My dear mother died in her bed, in the first floor bedroom, while I was sleeping upstairs. And, I looked in on her the next morning, saw her cats cuddled up around her, and quietly closed her door so I wouldn't disturb her as I got ready for work. It was only when I hadn't heard from her later in the day that I asked a neighbor/friend with a key to check on her, to be sure she hadn't fallen, and was told that she had died.

I know only too well what you mean about not "believing" she is gone. Even now, after 11 years, I will talk to my mom.

As for your brother, I dealt with my brother's very nasty ex-wife after his death. I have some suggestions. First, if you can hire someone to clean the house and clear the house, after you decide what gets kept and what doesn't, those are costs that can be charged against the "estate" and do NOT come out of your pocket. (I know, you'll have to advance them until the house is sold, and this isn't a great market for sellng houses.) Anyhow, it would be a good idea to get the house cleared out and maybe drain the water system entirely so you can have the heat turned off - you'd have to check with a plumber on that.

Please don't beat yourself over the head, Mara. You are speculating about what if, what if, what if, but the most likely scenario is that none of the what ifs would have made any difference.

Please, Mara, email me if you want to talk about mothers and losing them, or about being the executor of an estate (I've done that 3 times for my family, plus several times for clients), or just anything. It's klipvm at rcn dot com. I'm a good listener.

By Kernkate on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 10:09 am:

{{{BIG HUGS}}} I know how you are feeling and do not blame yourself! I was with my mom when she passed away and my dad had stepped out a moment when she passed away and always beat himself up over it.
When my Dad passed away in September I was not with him. He had been sick on Tuesday he woke me up at 5 a.m. he didn't want to be by himself, i knew something was going on.
I sat with him all day Tuesday and all Day Wednesday until 3:15 on Wednesday afternoon the hospice nurse was here and I had promised the kids I would pick them up at school, I left for 15 minutes to get the kids when I came home Dad had passed away. I was so upset, why did I leave??? I beat myself up with this for a while!
After going over this and over this I realized thats the way Dad wanted it since he was always so upset I was by myself when my mom passed and he didn't want me to go thru it again.
My mom passed away in 2004 and I still talk to her everyday and miss them both so much. I still can not believe they are both gone. I was an only child and its hard.
But sweetie don't get yourself all upset over all of it because there is nothing you can do.
Enjoy that new little one and know that your mom is always with you.
Hang in there kiddo.

By Enchens on Thursday, January 15, 2009 - 10:45 am:

Mara, no words, just ((HUGS))

By Kateg on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 04:19 pm:

Mara, just thinking about you today. Lots of {{{HUGS}}}

By ~harlena on Saturday, January 17, 2009 - 08:33 am:

Mara, just letting you know you are in everyone's thoughts and prayers.

By Bea on Sunday, January 18, 2009 - 12:55 am:

Mara I have no words that will take away your pain. Only time will do that. Try not to play "What If"? mind games on yourself. It never helps, and only makes things worse. Try instead to think of the happy times. Savor the closeness you shared. Believe that she called so often, and sought your company so much, because you gave her joy. Remember that she met her newest grandchild, and I'm sure she was ecstatic to meet Joshua. Take comfort in the fact that she went quickly with no prolonged illness and pain. That huge hole that now exists in your heart is a fitting tribute to a wonderful mother. Celebrate how lucky you were to have her.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

j

By Mara on Sunday, January 18, 2009 - 12:02 pm:

Thank you all so very much. My life is somewhat getting back in a "normal" routine. I still think of mom at least every 30 min. it seems and sometimes more than that. But, I'm not crying daily anymore. Everytime I think of her I still get sad but I don't cry everytime. I know that when dad died everytime I thought of him it made me very sad, then eventually I could think of good times and go away from that memory with smiles and not sadness. I'm not there yet with mom, every memory still makes me sad and makes me miss her, even good thoughts make me sad. I still want her with me badly. I'm not ready to let go yet. She was with me everyday and I miss that so so much! As much as I felt like she was with me too much when she was here, now I want her here! Mom had told me many times that one of her biggest fears was being forgotten once she died. So now, in a way I feel guilty when I don't think about her. When I catch myself laughing I feel guilty. I'm sorry, I gotta stop. When I start writing and thinking I start feeling so upset, so I'm gonna go for now. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I will try to have a happy update next time about the baby.

By ~harlena on Sunday, January 18, 2009 - 12:29 pm:

It sounds like you're on the right road Mara, it's going to hurt, but you're not crying constantly and that's a good sign.

Please stay in touch here, don't feel like you have to only come back with positives, we're here for you up and down, but please understand I completely recognize and feel the same way at times, sometimes you just have to HAVE TO stop writing and talking about something just in order to get away from it.

Just know that we're with you, behind you, and all around "there for you !"

By Dana on Sunday, January 18, 2009 - 05:36 pm:

HUGS Mara!

By Northcountrymom on Monday, January 19, 2009 - 12:44 am:

Mara,
Do you have any photos of Joshua Scott. Would love to see your new little man.
Linda

By Kym on Monday, January 19, 2009 - 12:27 pm:

Mara, I am sitting here just bawling my eyes out. Our stories are so similar it makes me nearly nautious to read what you are going through, and what pain you will be feeling for a very long time. I lost my mom nearly 10 years ago, and the pain and what ifs are unbearable still at times. I know your email was not working, but if it is please email me k b a l t u n i s at cox dot net, I would love to talk to you and let you know how proud I am of your over coming your addiction. My mom was an addict for over 10 years and eventually that lead to her death, although not directly.

I hope you are doing well today!

By Enchens on Tuesday, January 20, 2009 - 09:53 am:

(((HUGS))), Mara.


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