I have a friend that is not a positive person for me to be hanging around with. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I really don't want to be her friend.
She talks to her children horrible, saying things like, "get the f*** away from me", "I hate you right now." She has had an affair on her husband & was going to leave him, but got pregnant & then lost it. The only reason she is still with him is because she can't afford to leave. You can tell she never wanted kids & will tell you that in front of them. The oldest is 4 & the youngest is 1.
The friendship started because I thought she was a nice person, but the more I get to know her the more I realize how wrong I was. I love my kids & I know she loves her, I just can't stand the way she treats them.
Am I a horrible person? Do I talk to her about it or just stop calling? How honest should I be? How honest can I be without hurting her?

By Kaye on Monday, July 26, 2004 - 05:34 pm:

You know, I have been on both sides of losing friendships. Personally I would say just don't say anything and let it go. Those words that you put out their can be hurtful and probably won't help anything. When you are with her have you hinted about saying nicer things, or not saying words like that in front of your kids? If so then just let her go. Who knows you may miss her, you may need that friendship later, and if not do you really just want to be hurtful. If she confronts you, you simply say we are just so different and I found myself really having to struggle to find common ground.

By Karen~moderator on Monday, July 26, 2004 - 06:37 pm:

I agree with Kaye, say nothing, just let it die a natural death. Start distancing yourself from her, the more distance you put between the two of you, the less of a friendship there will be, until there is nothing left anymore.

By Sue3 on Monday, July 26, 2004 - 09:05 pm:

I feel sorry for her poor kids.Has she had counseling? Sounds like she needs it.
Maybe when she starts treating her kids that way ,say you have to leave.
If you keep doing that do you think she will get the hint, or is it to late for that?
I can`t imagine anyone treating their children that way.I wouldn`t want to be around her either.

By Amyj on Monday, July 26, 2004 - 10:25 pm:

I recently went through the same type of situation. The person I broke off a friendship with began doing strange things and made me feel like she was starting to stalk me. I stopped calling as often has I had been, didn't get together for play dates, and just naturally let things die. She calls occassionally and I am friendly. I just had to put distance there for many of the same reasons you listed. She seems to be okay with the way things have naturally gone. Good luck. It is hard to have to make the decision to turn away from someone.

By Eve on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 07:11 am:

I agree with Kaye too, just distance yourself. Most times people just don't appreciate honesty. I've found that whenever I have been honest about things of that nature, they never go well. (Even though, I would appreciate the honesty myself) Hang in there.

By Emily7 on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 10:16 am:

That is the problem. I don't like dishonesty & would appreciate the honesty myself. I spoke with her last night & was a little more distant than normal. She is going through a tough situation & needs a friend she said. Talk about feeling like a jerk.

By Truestori on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 12:11 pm:

I had this happen to me when we relocated 3 years ago. I thought this lady was really nice, met her thru the moms club...etc..

Turns out she was very abusive to her children and truthfully at the end I was only talking to her to make sure her children were o.k.
It was really sad! I definitly didn't want my children to witness this behavior so I just stopped calling her. I would offer advice, give instances where I had lost my cool and explained many ways to help with frustration but she never got the hint and I was tired of trying.
Distance is the key. And if she ever asks tell her the truth. Her parenting and your parenting are opposite, and you didn't believe that this friendship could go any further. Goodluck

By Eve on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 03:07 pm:

I hear you, Emily. I think it just boils down to can you put up with her behavior anymore? Will she change? If you tell her the truth and what is bothering you, will it change the situation? If you feel it will and she won't take it harshly, then I would tell the truth. I even think just a simple "We are in different places in our lives right now." Give it some time and see how you feel.

By Momaroze on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 04:59 pm:

Sometimes the truth hurts, and also can backfire. Meaning this happened to me, not near the same situation as yours but, this lady's Dh kept coming on to me, and escalating! I was forced to tell this person and in turn "I" was the one that was coming onto her DH!!!!! It still hurts. He lied, and she fell for it as most women do IMO! Sometimes it is best to distant yourself from a situation rather than confront it. Likely, the most dumbest thing I have ever done and truthfully I would never tell again if someones dh was trying to hustle me. Sounds like she has a lot of anger within her. Besides if she is dragging you down, it can't be good for you or your family. Hugs to you Emily!

By Momaroze on Tuesday, July 27, 2004 - 05:06 pm:

BTW Emily, sorry for getting a little carried away there, obviously it's still fresh in my mind after a couple of years!! I truly hope everything works out. You sound like such a caring and loving person. I too, love HONESTY and sadly I have found I have gotten myself into hot water being truthful, honest, isn't that sad!

By Babysitbarb on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 10:42 am:

I had this happen once a few years ago. It was with my My SIL's, SIL. Does that make since? I knew we would still run into each other on occassions at my SIL's so I didn't want to say much.I just started ignoring her calls and would let the machine answer always first(this was before I had caller ID). I had fun around her at first but, then I realized that all she did was complain about everything and everyone and she also yelled at her Dh and kids all the time and tried to tell me and everyone else how to run their lives. My girls even hated being around her.
One day I answered the phone by mistake and she was on the other line. I finally had to be bold with her about why I was ignoring her and that was the end of it. She and I just ignored each other for the next couple years and now when we see each other we socially talk but, that's it.I feel bad for my SIL because she lives on the opposite ends of the block from each other and they are married to brothers.My SIL is about ready to have it out with her also, she has just learned to let her have it back whenever she complains about anything to her.

By Emily7 on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 11:47 am:

Thank you all for your advice & understanding.
I thought after talking to her that I would help her through her little crisis & be done. Then I realized that I can't help her anymore. I can't listen to her complain about her kids or husband anymore or I am going to explode. She has a wonderful family & she just needs to realize it. She is the one that is making life hard for them, not the other way around. I son't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't have the energy to listen to her anymore. I am afriad if I do talk to her I am going to start yelling & tell her what is exactly on my mind. I hate that this is how I feel, I have always tried to be nice to everyone.

By Amecmom on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 - 03:19 pm:

Kaye and AmyJ have the right idea. If you were to make a big deal of ending the friendship, it could very well just progress to an ongoing fight.
Don't call her. When she calls you, be polite, but get off the phone fast - be busy when she wants to get together.
If she has the perception to realize that you are backing off and asks you about it, then you have to decide how to tactfully tell her why.
My guess is that she won't ask. Good luck. It's never easy to end a friendship.
Ame

By Kristie on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 03:28 pm:

Emily you have helped me so much that I had to post this and may-be it will help you. I have done the slowly cutting off contact with someone but when you see them again, which you will cuz of the size of town you live in she may confront you and ask why you don't call anymore. I hate dishonesty also. This is what I did at the begining of last winter and see the girl all the time when I go to the bar and she won't come up to me because I ended the friendship face to face and she knows why.Hears what I did.
I told her to come out side with me when we were at the bar before she had started drinking. I told her that I do care about her but can no longer be friends with her do to the type of people she hangs out with and the disrespect she has toward her children. She tried to use the kidney problems and all the meds shes on for an excuse of her behavior but I told her not to bring that up when I know she has a drink inside waiting for her. I told her to forget my phone # until she got her life together because at this point in her life she is not healthy for me & I can't be around somone who treats her kids like crap and hangs out with crackheadsjust to make her life seem "normal". I then gave her a hug and told her good luck and I hope she figures out her life soon but until then our friendship is over. Then I walked away. I see her all the time and she dosen't aproach me at all. She knows what she has to do to be my friend again and she hasen't done it yet. Her problems are not mine and I can't change any one who dosen't want to change. It was hard but my life is definately less complicated with out her drama in it. I hope this helps you. Just be honest, it may make her feel like crap but you need to think about you and how her stuff affects you and how much better you will feel without haveing her in your life.

By Emily7 on Thursday, July 29, 2004 - 04:05 pm:

I appreciate the advice Kristie. Just in the few days that I haven't spoken to her my life has actually been happier. I will always worry about her kids though. She isn't physically absusive, but the verbal is so bad. I have actually said to her at one point not to talk to her kids like that in my presence again. She just laughed it off, said she was joking, & did it again. That was the last strwa.

By Anonymous on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 11:09 am:

Do what some people have done to me, just never return my calls and ignore me. Not to be cocky but it works after a while, unless your stupid.
On the other hand, There were times I had no idea at all why they were not returning my calls and to this day (10 years later) still wonder. So it works to ignore but maybe it would be nice to let the person know in a nice way.

By Emily7 on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 12:11 pm:

(((Anon)))
Thank you for your opinion on my problem. I am sorry that this happened to you & you have given me more to think about.

By Anonymous on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 01:48 pm:

I guess I didn't read all the prior post - looks like you did try to tell her a few times and she just doesn't get it. I don't like to hear people swearing at their kids either so I don't blame you. You sound like you tried and now the ball is in her court.

By Audreyj on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 02:25 pm:

I just have one little note about the children.

I also have "distanced" myself from folks, just don't return phone calls, being busy, one of my favorite lines to "break it off" is "I am just so busy with the children and my family right now...I just don't have a lot of extra time...." That way, it's a time problem instead of a personal problem...most folks "get the hint".

Only ONE TIME did I report a family and I waited about three months AFTER a clean break to do it. DFACS said I would remain anonymous but I still waited 12 weeks before reporting because I did not want to be "suspected". But I did report and now (I have heard throught the grapevine)the children are with the "grandma" and in a much better situation. I don't have any contact with them because eventhough I had great empathy and sympathy for them, I have to protect my kids from being exposed to a difficult and traumatic situation. But, I admit, it did feel good to know that the situation is somewhat better and I had something to do with that. AJ

By Mommyathome on Friday, July 30, 2004 - 07:34 pm:

I recently ended a "friendship" with a person. I just let it go naturally as well. I just stopped returning calls, and I avoided answering the phone if her number came up on caller ID. We still talk occasionally, and I am friendly with her, but we don't "hang out" anymore. She was just too negative.

By Veezme on Monday, January 17, 2005 - 02:47 pm:

I would recommend letting the friendship just fizzle out too. I deeply regret the way I ended a relationship/friendship w/ my SIL. I ended up saying some things that I wish I hadn't because it really only hurt her and nothing more was accomplished. I told her if we weren't related we probably wouldn't even be friends and would never get together and some other hurtful things. Even though the things I told her were true as to how I felt it didn't need to be said. I think I should have just avoided get togethers and limited time together to holidays and our childrens b days. which is actually quite a bit we have seven kids between us. I reached a point I just wanted to move away and still do sometimes. She is not a bad person, but everytime we got together she would make little comments, like jabs ya know? She seemed to be kinda flirty to my husband which if I felt she liked me it probably wouldnt have bothered me but deep down I feel like she purposely says and does subtle things to get to me. I am sorry for rambling but I haven't talked to anyone about this except my husband who really does not want to hear it ( I dont' blame him I guess) Her husband is so annoying to me too (my husbands brother)There seems to be this competition Edited by moderator - please review the posting guidelines between my husband and him about anything (kids, money, etc.)We helped them out so much like her husband came to stay with us so he could get a job and move them down , he came the day I came home from the hospital with my 3rd child. He knew noone was to smoke in the house yet he kept smoking in the bathroom when he'd shower, she ended up coming down a week or so later with her 2 kids knowing the oldest had just been diagnosed with RSV (thankfully my children didnt' get sick or anything and my nephew recovered well too, but it just kinda started there like when her kids used the potty chair she would just leave it(not just pee either) on and on.We bought them a car an older car around 800.00 and she complained about the car my husband picked out, I would tell my kids not to eat in the living room and she would ignore her kids as they would go eat in the living room. I lended them a bassinet in very nice condition they actually returned it with the liner ripped and the wood frame broken and sticking out and said "well it still works" I was so upset I threw it in the dumpster when they left because the salvation army would not have taken it either. I know they didn't have a lot of money but atleast an apology for the condition or something. I guess my problem was just never saying anything and letting them do things like that to us. These little things went on for years literally and I guess I just finally got fed up. It got to where I always felt bad after get togethers with them. Even though we had some fun times it just seems that I cant' deal with them anymore. Well I could go on but I shouldn't cause it really does no good. Well as I said in the beginnig I basically said hurtful things to her and burned bridges I guess you could say. I did apologize for hurting her but things won't be the same. We talk now at get togethers but it is very surface level now which is OK with m I used to be there for all her problems and there were many ... the same types of things we all deal with as a mom and wife and I always encouraged her that we all go through the same types of problems etc and was there for her. That can be very draining as well always encouraging someone. She is doing great now and doesnt really need that type of help . She is very stable and is good in that area . So anyway I guess, just as there are seasons of weather patterns there are seasons of friendships or relationships things change people change. I would appreciate any thoughts from anyone who takes the time to read all this.
Thanks Vee

By Veezme on Monday, January 17, 2005 - 02:57 pm:

I just realized the date on this original post ... oh well ... BTW I am new on this site and am from NE PA . Hope to hear from ya's